Question

[awest1217]

I am not going to get a puppy, although I am sure i could afford it, I am not going to do that right now especially because I want to make sure I have plenty to get a divorce. I have been in a funk the last few days. H always does that to me. He comes into my life for a day or two and makes me think there is hope and then nothing. No contact at all. I am sure he will send some stupid text tomorrow morning. URGH!

I have printed off some pics of S or of S and I to cover up some of the pics of H and I. I am still leaving the full family picture, but our engagement pics are covered and I am going to work on covering the wedding pics next. H has made it very clear he isn't going to try to fight for me so I might as well start now. I have a collage of wedding pics I need to figure out how to cover up...they all have the same theme so I need a new theme.

I am always with S, and I can't change that. Once in a while I get a few hours to myself, but the problem is that all of my friends are married with kids S's age (and their 2nd's on the way ) so if I go out it is usually with them and although it is nice, I don't get to wash H from my thoughts. It is bad right now because of seeing him and the way he acted on Easter. I was stupid enough to fall right into it again. I have got to get stronger. It was huge that I told him I am planning on Ding because I don't really want to and I hate to hurt him and do that without being mad, but that is it. I just hate this whole thing. I don't understand why he can't come home and make us work. I have changed in every way he asked because they were negative qualities not for him, but he still won't come home. I even told him how I don't think it is fair that he gets to see S for visitation when he has shown no interest and hasn't helped with S at all for a year, unless it was convenient for him, and he didn't say anything. It would be so much better if H and I just get back together. It is better for everyone because days like yesterday, it was supposed to be H's weekend, we would have had to make arrangements for S to go to my nephew's party or S would have had to miss out. That isn't fair to him. Same with other family gatherings. S enjoys being with the family and my family gets together a lot, he is going to feel bad missing out because he has to go to dad's. None of this is fair. Staying in limbo isn't fair, D isn't fair, to H getting back together isn't fair to him so as always I am the one who has to sacrifice, unless I decide to be nasty and say he gets less visitation, but I hate being unfair so it ends up being unfair to me. Never fair.

I know a lot of whining...hopefully this funk will be over soon, but it is normal for this time for year. I usually get funky around my b-day because b-days were never special at my house growing up, and to me they should be special, which is why I always do something big for S (party and on his b-day out to eat). Then mother's day is coming and my mom is going to be out of town with my other sibs in TN so I get to spend mother's day alone, which after last year...not going to be fun...I got absolutely nothing for mother's day. Lots of Funk!