Well. This thread isn't starting off so good. Had a R talk. Didn't have a choice because I can't shake my waivering hope off my face. I need a mask~
Told her: - I'm having a big problem with the after 6mo I'll divorce you threat she's got. I need time to deal with the problems she and I both want solved for good. - Realized today that my fears are keeping me from making the commitment needed for our M - I find it so hard to be looking at houses that should be for a happy life together when I am worried she'll D any day - I want to trust her, but I can't do that when she's reading my notes from our marriage follow up meetings for Retrouvaille and when I'm afraid that she'll misunderstand them as has happened many times in the last few months. - I am afraid that being honest with her means that I will admit to viewing and adult site and that she'll D me or at least make the next 24 hours for me like a small hell on earth.
She is having a big problem with accepting me because she thinks if I do it I'm choosing the pornography over her & the kids. I'm not. I can't believe I have done this, but I'm addicted. It's like a drug I told her, but no matter the example, she doesn't get it. I don't really get it either, but I accept that I've done all the things to stop that should've worked and failed. So I need help. And time.
Result of our 2+ hour conversation? I told her I would be considering separating in the house fully & completely until either 6 months have passed in which case she's planning to divorce me anyhow, I have solved my problem (very unlikely, IC and doc expect a year+), or she has decided to accept me and give me the time I need. I told her that maybe having our love partly kindled and then cutting myself out of it might make it possible for her to evaluate and realize that she can just choose to accept me.
I don't think I can separate, though. I don't want to and I'm so afraid it will make things worse. I'm very good at making things in my M worse, but I know that doing nothing will result in nothing.
