this week was a bad week... if we fought and argued during our marriage like we did this week, then when he left, i probably wouldnt have been so shocked! we went from him wanting to go to marriage C together and now... we are not speaking. we both said some pretty awful things. but with each conversation, i find out more about how he really feels, felt. i am convinced he lived a coniving life and knew all along he would leave me.
I realized today every positive step that involved the baby, he took 100 steps back in our relationship. -we found out we were pregnant, after he said lets start a family, and instead of being ecstatic, he started to resent me and look at me differently and realized he wasnt in love with me anymore -the night of the day we announced we were pregnant to everyone, he went out with his best friend and said he was leaving me -days after we went to the ultrasound together, which was really hard on my part, he filed for divorce
and to top it off, he said he had the papers for D weeks prior. he said he knew when he left that it was completely over between us.
i dont know wht to make of it anymore. tonight i feel like i'm fighting for someone i really dont like. yes i love him, the old him, the dreams we shared, the life we had, but not this guy. I could never trust this guy? its been more than three months, and how could his feelings ever change back to loving me unconditionally, when he hates me so much right now. im sorry, i just do not see it. i have done everything in my power and convinced myself that our love will conquer all, but i am starting to see that i have to wake up. i do think true love conquers all... maybe what he felt for me was not true love, and therefore it is easy for him to walk away.
I do have to stop communication and GAL, but not with the efforts in thinking its going to win him back. i have to do it to begin my new life alone. i have to do it because in 12 weeks,, i have a new guy coming into my life and i cant keep crying over H anymore.
the hard part is that when i usually walk away and stop the calls, the texts, etc. he somehow manages to pop over or contact me, and then i turn to mush and the cycle begins again.
heard this lyric on a song today "id rather feel pain, then nothing at all"... and it hit me... maybe i was fighting and contacting him bc it was still keeping him in my life. that arguing and screaming and texting, even the nice conversations were keeping him in my life, rather than just ending everything.
Why am i doing this to myself? I deserve better than this... we all do. No giving up is not the answer and neither is D. but what choice do i have... i was not given one.
