Hey y'all -

I've got to tell you, I'm blown away by everybody's posts. I'm really, really, happy that you're finding sources of hope in the things I've written. Yes, I've promised to write a summary, maybe over the Christmas break. In the meantime, I'm still around.

Quote:

Here's a question for you. If you could give new DBers some quick advice, what would you say are the single most important things to remember?


Hoo boy. You know, going through this, it seems that the most useful thoughts that I carried around in my head changed rapidly depending on what I was going through. I think that a big "theme" for me was, what positive energy am I bringing to the table? I imagined a flow of energy in our lives. When I was sitting there, hurting, waiting for some response, I could imagine that I was draining energy from the relationship; when I was able to make myself a source of happiness, create an inviting atmosphere (making meals, putting on music, being happy, making an effort to listen to W) I was bringing energy to the relationship. The thing that my W has commented on mostly is the feeling of unconditional love coming from me. I was hurting, but never lashed out, I just kept loving her and doing things to show it.

Take time to take care of yourself. Don't try to deny or resist what's going on - this will just make you angry. Avoid the "if only"s - I spent a lot of time torturing myself over what I could have done and what I didn't do which led to the situation, but these feelings are not useful. For some reason part of me craved to hang on to them, but there was no reason to. Each day is new - accept the situation and you'll be in a better space to make productive changes.

Remind yourself that YOU are a source of STRENGTH, of love, of postive energy. You don't need your relationship for these things - think of yourself as a well of positive energy that energizes your self, your life, your relationship. Put the thoughts out of your head that you need the relationship to fill you up, because it's the other way around - your relationship needs you to fill it up.

So, when you do something in love, don't expect anything in return. Your spouse will sense it. Just do it as an extention / expression of yourself.

This may or may not ring true for you; I'm no philosopher or relationship expert, but this is what I guess I've learned.

So, in my house, the sex comes and goes. THings are good. W said to me this morning that she just couldn't imagine being happier - a lot of things are kind of converging over the last few days...

1) W has been talking for awhile about making one of the rooms in the house sort of her relaxation room, sort of a "spa" theme;
2) I've overall been trying to make the house more of a comfortable place, we've been decorating, I've been painting, etc.
3) I've been reading a book called (don't laugh y'all!!) How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure - see, I'm going all out to enhance our intimate life. Well, one of the things that it talks about is how important relaxation is to intimacy, and to create an environment using all five senses. Hmmm, I thought. I mentioned to W that I wanted to get a "desktop fountain" thing for the bedroom for that water-trickling sound, and some other things like scent oils - told her I want to make our bedroom her santuary, the place in the world where she feels most comfortable. She started to cry because she felt like "I get her" - I am serious, this is big stuff for her. Anyway, I set up one of our stereos in the bedroom, did get some fragrance oil and put a few drops on a lightbulb, she started arranging things too. She is SOOOOOOOO happy with this, and that I initiated it.
4) Church. Wow, this is complicated. So, after a childhood of being very religious, W became a confirmed agnostic before 20 years old. She's steadfastly stayed away from religion. As part of this whole process this year, she swung 180 and started seeking God again. We've been to a few churches which haven't felt right (W has been very wary about returning back to church), but we've been to a place over the last couple of weeks that we really like. W is now compelled, excited, to do attend. We talked a lot of about religion last night in bed, which she really enjoyed - a topic that we never spent much time on together. W belives that God has sent us throught this experiece over the last 6 months to make our relationship stronger, to give us the love and happiness that could be. She's really in tune to God now. THe good thing is that she's questioning, thinking a lot now about things that I've thought or read about, and it's really good and interesting to have meaningful religions coversations with my W.

This is truely awesome.

Well, got to get to work y'all - God bless, and I'll be back around before long. I guess I'm maintaining my thread after all. My appologies to everyone that I haven't visited recently - I know some of you are having hard times - you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

- Bill