Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[25yearsmlc]

I don't understand why allowing close friends and family to be involved in the exposure and confrontation process would be a horrible thing. These same people are people who were at the WEDDING in many cases.

When a marriage is BEGINNING it is customary to have everyone involved and CELEBRATE... wouldn't it make logical sense when a marriage is falling APART to bring many of those SAME PEOPLE in to help RESCUE that same marriage?

Marriages aren't secret solo activities, they are units of COMMUNITY. Couples, Homes, Children build a COMMUNITY. The idea that a marriage is BEST saved in SECRET is ridiculous.

Who said to do that? If you are quoting me, well, you're not. Although I do think some things are best left as private matters between a couple. I simply gave my "near A" experience from long long ago, which is NOT why I came to DB. My db experience was, as you can see below, based on my h's MLC and departure and return, etc etc. Our m did not end, btw.

ALthough I did NOT have an A --I sure thought about having one AND I know many who have, and some who regret it. I also think that there are those who DO cheat, who MIGHT have come back IF they could overcome the resistance that others can create in the LBSer when the desire to punish, rather than reconcile rears its' head. IOW the WAS did not believe the LBSer would let it go and so it seemed to hard to overcome the anger and pain and rebuilding that the LBSer would want or need. Sometimes that is the cost of an A but sometimes, sometimes I wonder if we get a bit too self righteous and see things a bit too much in black and white...

I have NOT seen a marriage saved by shaming a spouse -although some may remain married or come home-- I have not seen a marriage "restored" in MWD terms by shaming or guilting someone home.

BUT that doesn't necessarily invalidate Puppy's experience. I am distinguishing HIS type of exposure from the kind that is punitive and vindictive, at least based on his description of how he did it.

I can say As a L, who briefly got stuck doing Div Law, that each time I had a client "go off" on a cheating spouse and expose, each time[/i]- the marriage ended for good. Maybe it should have. Maybe they were the types do be angry and vindictive and created the sitch that made the A more likely or whatever....But as for statistics--(as if there are a ton of controlled double blind studies on this--) I mean hey, we are ALL going by experience here and I shared mine--
I simply wonder if some of the WAS's might have returned to the M, had the LBSer shown the ability to truly forgive and let go and move forward. You know, "keep the road home paved and smooth..." as per my DB coach's words. And I do think in general, that letting go and moving on, is a whole lot harder if others know about it. The more people that know, the more defensive the WAS feels, the more they need to justify, and the rougher the road home is -- and if that's what the LBSer wants, so be it. But I'd be darn sure it was wisdom and not pride - making my choices for me...and a loving but healing heart, not a hurting dying one.

Let's face it, for SOME people - the reason they want others to know is to pressure the spouse to come back and call it "community marital support" but it's pressure, it's pursuit, it's sometimes, not lovingly motivated. Some of us want to be "declared RIGHT" and would prefer that actually -- to being happy....hence the phrase, "do you want to be 'right' or do you want to be 'happy'?"

I literally had a deeply wounded client LBS woman tell me that her h had gotten OW pregnant. That sucks! Now she wanted "to hurt that new baby like our babies have been hurt..." She wanted to ruin the OW's career as well as her h's career, etc. That would cost her OWN CHILDREN CS and health insurance and housing and her share of his retirement, as her h was in the military so by punishing her H, she'd also be punishing herself and her own children--in order to punish the OW and that "bastard" child as well.....So what do you say to that? We all KNOW how it feels to be left, we know how it feels to feel rejected. We get it. IT sucks.

But to deliberatly hurt another person b/c you were hurt, is just spreading the misery and sometimes, I think OP's spouses don't need or want to know and sometimes I think it's just spreading the misery and that misery DOES love company. SOMETIMES...and I guess that's my point. I saw almost everyone here saying "Go for the exposure!!" with a strange glee, but what I would like to hear is from a WAS who had an A and reconciled --and what made them come home...

To the extent I had [i]some of that experience, I offered it as food for thought and an alternative to the stuff said here. I simply said that if my h had done what you were suggesting, I KNOW I would not have come home. I would have justified the R as I felt at the time, that it was justifiable. Most A's feel that way or they would not occur. And I stand by the part about motives. That makes all the difference in the world but it requires us to look deep within ourselves - at a very painful time in our lives - and to rise above righteous anger, to know what HIS will is and to follow that....just my 2 cents. Why does that bother people? I am NOT saying "lie for the WAS" or to cover for them, (where'd that come from??)....but I am saying to stop and check yourself. What's the goal of the exposure AND, the likely outcome of it--be prepared to be vilified and seen as the bad guy for one thing, be ready to be seen as vindictive and deserving of a spouse having an A [b]and NO I am not saying you are[/b]--I'm saying be ready for that version to come out...does it make things better then? I submit, not always...

j-