embracing change

[Cadet]

I still feel you have way too much focus on your H.

This is good. Citygirl is right.

[flowmom]

Thanks for your input CG.

I think you are right about H's expectation of my bringing in an income either way. And I feel that overcoming the barriers to that is important for me.

Yes there would be a sneaky element to doing the coparenting plan. OTOH, there are real coparenting issues that need to be resolved. I am very concerned about how my children are doing emotionally and H is not listening to my concerns. I feel confused about what's right for my children in this situation that is not at all my choice for how they would be raised. I would welcome some objective input about what's best for the children, esp someone who has experience with S6's autism issues. The coparenting plan will have to happen at some point and I am not willing to have my concerns about the children's well-being dismissed indefinitely. People who know my D3 definitely have noticed the disturbing changes in her, in particular. The question is whether to get the ball rolling on the plan now, or wait for a while to give more time to pass.

[flowmom]

I guess my focus on H is coming from fears of his having an OW and from pressure to confront him about what his intentions are. I feel like I'm making slow progress on detachment, but the talk about reconciliation with the L, etc. has brought my focus back to H. Also, waking up at 2:30 AM and not being able to go back to sleep gave me way too much time to ruminate and I was thinking a lot about his POV, which I haven't been doing as much lately.

OP, I guess I am having trouble interpreting H's behaviour as confusion. He seems to be behaving in a very consistent way and not showing any confusion or mixed messages towards me. He seems controlled and as if he is following a plan and a strategy. I think there is an MLC element to what is going on, but it seems like his behaviour isn't really following the MLC "script" -- he's acting more like a standard WAH, isn't he?

[Cadet]

He seems controlled and as if he is following a plan and a strategy.

What you see as controlled is more likely a masked depression. I am sure he is going thru male menopause.

I believe whether he is as WAH or in MLC does not really matter. MLC would actually be better because he might eventually come out of it. Your actions however do not change in either case. As CG said you must take the focus off of your H and worry about YOU. You can not control him either way. The only person you can control is YOU. This is the difficult part to accept.

[flowmom]

Yes, I always need reminding to keep the focus on myself. Thanks for that.

[Kalni]

I did something like you said you may try. I got him to take the kids on his weekends to the C, she shared an office with my C who knew about me DBing and although he refused to do C with me back then, she got him to talk/open up some over a Jack or coffee. She actually got him to do some IC sessions without even aknowledging it (although he was, so...).

THe kid's C made him listen to the fact that the kids were struggling. Not coming from me, he couldnt pin any motives on her scientific oppinion. My C got him to realise he had some serious issues (although never followed up on IC). She also had a chance to stress how far I had come by then.

Neither of the two managed to MAKE him decide what he wanted. I am sure they planted some seeds that may have casued some insecurity (I have to admit he never seemed very set on D me). Funny thing is that from what I know now, at the same time OW was telling him he wasnt tender anymore with her and that he should do some counceling on being more expressive. Maybe he was doing that. Who knows?

ALL WAS or 99% of them, at some point look/are determined to proceed with D. What we LBS are trying to do with DBing is create some second thoughts, an opening, which if we are lucky can use to the benefit of our families. You cant do that in any other way than becoming the best you can be for yourself and your kids, a person that would make them think at nights (or after a fight with the OW in my case) "should I give up THAT?" "what were the actual reasons I am here in this state now?" followed by fruitless efforts to hold on to "reasons" that really dont exist anymore. That is the essence of DBing IMO.

So, your H maybe done for now, he maybe done forever, I dont know that. He does sound determined and controlled. But you know this man. Do you think he would ever let you see him questioning himself?

When my H left, his decision to leave was so out of character. He was being determined, he was making a big move, he was RISKING. That much the A had changed him.It was a great shock for me. He was calling our entire life a mistake, he said he wouldnt "do our family" again if he had a "do over". That determination, slowly changed and although my DBing wasnt the only reason, it played a big role as well.

I can only talk from experience and with my logic.Anything is possible IMO. But you wont make it till you emerge out of this as the Phoinix (spelling?) did out of the ashes. Worst case scenario, you reinvent yourself, you get a second chance to define who you are and what you want in life, best case scenario, you get the worst case scenario AND your family back.
Stay focused.
K

[CityGirl]

I so understand all the feelings seeing an attny stirs! But (and be honest!) you do still look at your H's FB page, right? Of course we don't know what you think each minute of the day but it does seem like you always have some thought of your H churning around in many of your posts.

I guess the phrase "co-parenting plan" is what is tripping me up. To me a plan is more like A, B and C (more like logistics). I guess you are using the term "plan" like C'ing which I do think your children should have if they are having a hard time.

I guess I would just remind you that you feel very pressured when your feel your H has expectations of you (being a certain weight, earning more money, using your time off from parenting to work). You feel very upset and pressured when he has unreal expectations. IMO at this point your expectations of him (getting help with his issues and thinking if he really wants this divorce) may very well make him feel just as pressured. Tread carefully!

Kalni is so right... DB for a better you and if it saves your M then wonderful. If not, you are reinvented and on pace to have a very good life.

[flowmom]

Kalni, I don't think that H would share that he's questioning anything. Right after he moved out he mentioned not wanting to give me "false hope" so he is probably trying to send clear signals and he would probably do that even if he was having doubts.

Thank you for your post. I think I will print it out to keep myself on track. I'm already trying to do what you're suggesting but I like the way you put it.

[flowmom]

CG, I think that the coparenting plan takes into account the children's emotional state and does involve addressing that to some extent. It's more than logistics I believe. But I don't know the details.

I totally agree that any perceived pressure on H's part would be a problem. OTOH, he will feel "guilted" by any expectation that he acknowledge/address the children's issues and I don't know how long I can let him off the hook of having to deal with that.

[Onthemountaintop]

Coparenting plans also mean that when he takes the kids camping, you can feel proud of him for helping the kids become healthy adults.

Even though it must hurt to be separated from your kids, you'll know what to expect with a plan. You could also be able to move from the pain sudden changes would cause as you sink into a routine. I think it is in the routine that the kids start feeling safety again. Instead of asking you, "why can't you go camping with us", your kids can get used to knowing it is dad's time with them.

As far as guilt, flowmom, remember that he left. He should feel guilted sometimes. I know that if I ended off leaving, while W may have begun this by asking for the D, I will always feel some guilt for what could have been. You do not need to worry about his guilt unless you are trying to make him feel that way, which would be manipulative.

I have a feeling that you would approach this issue with tact and care, and your H will respect you for it.

I can't remember if you said this before, but did ever ask him to try out Retrouvaille? You don't have to pay much if money's an issue, but before sorting out a partial step toward a D, why not ask?

Asking can hurt, but not asking will always hurt.