I've seen/read this "where are all the people reconciling" questionsmany times here. Everynow and then, someone gets fed up/tired/sees the light and pops the question. And I tend to agree with Gardener and Serenity. I think there are some important "details" that many of us dont like or cant see though...
Dbing wont change a spouse that has cheated over and over again. It CAN change the way you will handle it.
It will not change an abusive man, it can give you power to stand up to him,
It will not make the OW ugly, unattractive or stupid, but it CAN make YOU attractive again
It will NOT change the timeline, it will NOT necessarily push things foward faster or delay the D, but it can give you a time slot to use if you are lucky...
What I am trying to say is, that if there IS ONE chance, DBing MAY give YOU that chance. All I know is that if I had gotten on the D train 3 years ago, I would be divorced by now. Right now, I am gettng A chance and I am in the position to give him A chance. That's what I came here for. And I got more, I got the power to handle the ending of this mess, either way it goes.
Ohh and I want to add something, in the beginning we are ALL naive, hoping Dbing will help us "win". Slowly but surely, we do get the real picture, statistics or no statistics.
But "getting it" on our OWN time, is essential, that's why some people menaing well, that rush the LBS to the end being super realistic and sounding cruel, are often "attacked". Each person has to make this journey on its own pace... IMO
Each person has to make this journey on its own pace... IMO
Good counseling doesn't buy that Kalni...
We can certainly help a person to take it at a pace faster than their "own". We can also be appeasing them so much that is helps to cause the person to take a pace slower than "his own"...
Helping people to move faster requires getting them to stretch and reach for things they didn't think or want to do. That is what good counseling does. It helps them to "step up the pace here", just as a pacer does in sports. They are actually controlling the pace while keeping the one hurting from staying in the "whoa is me" mindset and the "take it at your own pace" mindset...
gucci, my experience was that, everytime I was pushed (by family + real life friends mostly) to move faster than what I was ready to, it backfired. And yes, counceling forces you to look at things differently, NOT faster than what others think is enough faster than what you would do on your own. Who says my 2 years werent a stretch for me, if it wasnt for counceling it could had taken 5, or who says that 1 year isnt a stretch for someone else? I cant say for anyone. Maybe some cases sound very unhealthy and I can spot those on these boards now but I think most people here, follow their own pace. We can offer oppinions, but we cant force anyone to act on our timeline... Btw, WE (speaking of myself) are not councelors and WE (again for me) have glasses on colored by our experience. (I am guilty for that at least and hope that people can recongnise that) Just my 2 euro cents...
I think that especially when there is an MLC, or something similar, in play, there is time that has to pass, and there really isn't any way around it. There is a journey being taken, and there just isn't a shortcut.
I know the two "successes" from the group that I hung around with, Ali and Kalni, needed a lot of their favorite "P" word. Some might think that some of what they did was being a doormat, but in the end, they took care of themselves, and as time went on, things did change, and for the better.
I believe that there are very few absolutes. And that focusing on your partner before you take care of yourself is probably not going to get you where you want to go.
I think I need this book you are speaking of...It seems to have some good information in it!
Funny cause even now 14 months later, I still find myself doing it...Like I have zero control of my mouth! Not to everyone certainly however I know I still do this lol.
I hope you are having a wonderful weekend my friend!
Get the book! It is so...affirming of all that I went through. Get it. Trust me.
Weekend had a bad, bad roller coaster start, but has improved somewhat, thank you, friend.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I have the utmost respect for you and I appreciate your words of wisdom...
I do agree everyone will come to their own conclusion on their own time however I will say that I wish I would have listened to others sooner...
I could have saved myself a hellava lot of un-necessary pain.
However I had to get to this "place" on my own...
No matter what my Pastor said, my shrink said, my friends said, my family said, my advisors here said, the psychic on FB said etc...
They could all talk until they were out of breath & blue in the face and while they helped me realize I was strong enough to get here, ultimately it was my decision...
I still second guess myself sometimes however I am finally getting the peace I was so desperately looking for.
P.S. - The troll (ie: OW) was ugly before I came here - Learning all I did about why they do it, well that just made her uglier.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
