I did something like you said you may try. I got him to take the kids on his weekends to the C, she shared an office with my C who knew about me DBing and although he refused to do C with me back then, she got him to talk/open up some over a Jack or coffee. She actually got him to do some IC sessions without even aknowledging it (although he was, so...).
THe kid's C made him listen to the fact that the kids were struggling. Not coming from me, he couldnt pin any motives on her scientific oppinion. My C got him to realise he had some serious issues (although never followed up on IC). She also had a chance to stress how far I had come by then.
Neither of the two managed to MAKE him decide what he wanted. I am sure they planted some seeds that may have casued some insecurity (I have to admit he never seemed very set on D me). Funny thing is that from what I know now, at the same time OW was telling him he wasnt tender anymore with her and that he should do some counceling on being more expressive. Maybe he was doing that. Who knows?
ALL WAS or 99% of them, at some point look/are determined to proceed with D. What we LBS are trying to do with DBing is create some second thoughts, an opening, which if we are lucky can use to the benefit of our families. You cant do that in any other way than becoming the best you can be for yourself and your kids, a person that would make them think at nights (or after a fight with the OW in my case) "should I give up THAT?" "what were the actual reasons I am here in this state now?" followed by fruitless efforts to hold on to "reasons" that really dont exist anymore. That is the essence of DBing IMO.
So, your H maybe done for now, he maybe done forever, I dont know that. He does sound determined and controlled. But you know this man. Do you think he would ever let you see him questioning himself?
When my H left, his decision to leave was so out of character. He was being determined, he was making a big move, he was RISKING. That much the A had changed him.It was a great shock for me. He was calling our entire life a mistake, he said he wouldnt "do our family" again if he had a "do over". That determination, slowly changed and although my DBing wasnt the only reason, it played a big role as well.
I can only talk from experience and with my logic.Anything is possible IMO. But you wont make it till you emerge out of this as the Phoinix (spelling?) did out of the ashes. Worst case scenario, you reinvent yourself, you get a second chance to define who you are and what you want in life, best case scenario, you get the worst case scenario AND your family back. Stay focused. K
