New here but have been a voyeur

[pearlharbr]

Again, this may be bad to say here, but I would totally understand and support your decision to D. Even MWD says some M are not meant to be saved. Do I think you can save your M? Sure. But it has to be what you want and if you don't want it that's ok too.

I agree that it sounds like your H has deep seated problems and that nothing is going to substantially change unless he is willing to go to IC and find those answers on his own. Otherwise he is going to continue to blame you for anything and everything that pisses him off. I have several friends and family members who are lawyers so I totally get that mentality.

I still think it would do you good to be dark with him other than business matters and MC if you want to continue those sessions. If H doesn't understand that you need some time and space to think then that says a LOT. He doesn't get to control the sitch now, you do. If he isn't willing to give you that do you think he'll be willing to make any necessary changes?

Re: feelings not based on reality. Well, that's just every WAS. They rewrite history to justify their actions. If the fog has truly lifted then they'll realize this. BF said he'd been miserable for the previous five years, during which time we moved across country twice, went on fabulous vacations, and even looked at buying a vacation condo one month before the bomb dropped. He also said some pretty mean things that now he says he doesn't remember saying. If you ask him now he'll say that yes, things weren't great for a long time but he wasn't miserable for five years. So from your description it doesn't sound like H is completely out of the fog or totally ready to commit to building a new, stronger M with you.

How do you handle him when he's like this? You go dark and let him work it out on his own until he IS ready to do the necessary work. Because you don't want to have a M where you always do 90% of the work. It should be a partnership--you deserve no less.