6 MONTHS IN AND FEELING A WOBBLE........

[lalxx]

Hello,
I have been married for 14 years and with him for 18. We have had a tough few years with my husband's enforced job change back in 2006, loss of his paternal Grandma in October 2008 and lots of travelling with a new job which he absolutely hates.

He got back in touch with an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago - they courted for 5 years when they were in late teens/early 20's. She was a go getter and studied in the US for the last 2 years of their relationship and was unfaithful. She is 42, never been married, no children and was made redundant from her job of 12 years back in May 2009.

During 2009 my husband's behaviour had become more secretive, hostile towards me and angry all of the time. He lied to my face about his affair and has gone around telling our friends what an absolute harrodan I am. I confirmed his affair on the 30th September 2009 and he left the next day - leaving his hosue keys. We got into a physical fight - he was arrested and cautioned (admitted the offence) and he left.

I pieced together who it was and visited her parents and confirmed it was her - they didn't know anything about it. he now splits his time between Yorkshire, London and his job which takes him away onto the continent.

We have agreed he has to be a Dad to our children aged 11 (son) and 8 (daughter). We have agreed not to involve solicitors at this stage. He has a flat which he lives in when in our home town and takes the kids to when he has them every other weekend.

He still is also quick to get angry with me and accuse me of berating him to friends and saying I have a "plan" - neither of which are true. We have spoken probably 5 times since the start of the year - the most recent of which was last night when he collected the kids - he commented that there had been a 'drop in the atmosphere' between us as I'd stopped putting kisses on my texts and e-mails (decided to do this on 20th March as it just felt no longer appropriate). I explained that to him. He also wants to see a gas certificiate for the villa the children and I are holidaying in at Whit (this is despite the fact we all holidayed there in 2006).

I have a desire to want to continue to behave with calmness and dignity through this whole process. I really do not know where this is all going to end up but I really don't want to do anything which I am going to regret at a later date. I am firmly in NC unless it is connected to the children. He has our children every other weekend with open access any other time but sees them very rarely.

I have seen 2 'chidren' appear - the main one being a 15 year old boy. H also smells different. His mother died when he was 15 and he slept with his Dad for the first year as he was concerned for his wellbeing. His fatehr remarried within 13 months and went on to have 2 further children who are now 21 and 24 - my husband feels they have had opportunities he never had in his life - but his Dad is still the workaholic he always has been.

He has got loans to live the high life this year (denied by him but confirmed independantly by me). He is living way beyond his means and cannot possibly live the life he wants. He has started to put pressure onto me to sell our home - the kids home. I am self employed so there is no way I can ever got a mortgage again. He has sent me an e-mail saying to expect a letter from his solicitor after Easter and that he is going to allow me to divorce him for adultery/unreasonable behaviour and unless I take him up on that offer within a reasonable timeframe he will sue me for divorce on grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour. I haven't received a letter from his solicitor.

I have not been in touch with the OW and nor do I plan to. I feel funadmentally the kids don't need to know about my husband's affair as it'll change their relationship with them forever. I really do feel she is important in this at all. She is welcome to the idiot he is right now.

I continue to detach but feel I need a perspective from people further down the road than me - I think he is still in Replay but occassional touch and go's with me. The only other thing to note is that he hasn't been in touch with any of our friends since December - he blames me for having to go out and get a new circle of friends :-( BUT he is still in touch with his Dad (who lent him £5k in October 2009) and his step Mum - didn't do a single thing with our chidlren for me for Mothers Day but cooked his step Mum lunch.....

I don't want a divorce and I am cracking on a GAL (as recommended) - I am working on filling the hole in my heart with other stuff and trying to become a better person but somehow I can't help feeling I am missing something????

Anyone's perspective would be a good start for me.

Thank you - and I am sorry i didn't warn you all this was such a long post......

lalxx