Bunny, Normally, a boundary would definitely have to be set and enforced here. However, your STBX is clearly a totally boundary-less person. This must be tough on daughter. But she is learning the truth the hard way, by observing her father's totally self-centered, deceitful actions.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hello all- sitting here at the airport waiting for my plane to Houston.
I had a short phone call with stbx yesterday morning. I was irritated that the CPA firm he hired a month ago to do our tax return still didn't have it done, and wouldn't before I left today, so they're gonna file an extension. Just great- I need those numbers to finish off S19's financial aid forms for next year's college.
I also mentioned to him that D17 was upset the other night. His response: "No she wasn't- she was just fine while she was here." WRONG RESPONSE, DOOFUS! She may have ACTED fine while talking to him, and keep in mind this child does not talk about her feelings much at all. I informed him that she had several questions for me after seeing him. Instead of arguing that she was fine, a better response from him would have been "Oh, really? I didn't get that impression- why do you say that?" That response would have indicated concern for D17, at least...
He is in that same fogged-out fantasy land that all the WAS's are in. That is more and more clear.
Enjoy your trip to Houston! Earlier, I was playing my honey, Mary Chapin Carpenter and her song, "Houston" came on. Good song. I always enjoy it (and all her songs). Except when her poignant line,
"And I never knew a promise that didn't break right in two"
comes 'round. (sigh).
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hi Bunny Not much advice to add, you sound good & are dealing with the kids questions & his doofus behaviour in a productive way that lets you keep your power.
Stay the course & take care of you.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
She may have ACTED fine while talking to him, and keep in mind this child does not talk about her feelings much at all.
typing on a blackberry so forgive me any typos, short sentances, but this right here is important.
Why does she not talk about her feelings much? Did your stbx invalidate them like he did to yours and as he just did in his response to you?
People who have there feelings frequently invalidated by someone they love and believe will start to discount or even feel that they are wrong or something is wrong with them if they feel a certain way. Everyone is entitled to there feelings no matter what they are, and they are not wrong.
I'd just watch your kids, and when they express feelings, and just validate that its ok to feel that way..
Have fun on your trip, and hope you have a great time!!!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
D17 stayed at my parents last night. They are dog and bunny-sitting for me this week, and she stayed to help settle the animals in. I mentioned before that my mom is one person that she feels very comfortable talking to, and Mom confirmed my feelings that D17 was indeed very upset at stbx's behavior on wed. She's lost respect for him, she's angry, she's disillusioned.
She was also upset at herself for telling me about it on my bday. She was worried that she may have upset ME. Mom listened and reassured her, and D17 is in a much better place now emotionally. She and mom went shopping for some extra clothes to keep at my place because she plans to spend a lot more time there now.
I hate to admit it, but I do have a slight sense of smugness that stbx has come down a notch in D17's eyes- and I didn't do a damn thing! He accomplished that all on his own and it didn't take him long. It'll probably take a while for it to register with him how she's feeling since he's in la-la land, but I certainly am going to be trying to keep the communication open with her.
PS- I'm thinking I want to move south after D17 graduates. I like it here.
Bunny, You are blessed with such a Mom and with a daughter with such a mature, selfless head on her shoulders. (Of course d17 is blessed with a great Mom, too.)
And I'm with you on the smugness.
Also, iwantittowork is dead on. Beware of stbx using his dismissive, demeaning, manipulative, insidious ways on his daughter just as he did to you. There's a real potential for harm, here.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I will keep an eye on stbx's interactions with the kids. He is already dismissive when dealing with S19, which is why when he has issues or problems, he comes to me to talk about them, not his Dad. They are the same issues I have when dealing with stbx- not being heard, feeling dismissed, belittled and condescended to. I wasn't aware of that with D17, but maybe she feels it to. I will watch carefully.
I tried to warn my X that his behavior would effect the way the kids saw him also. He inserted the OW into their lives as soon as he moved out (and apparently before he moved out also) then married her 14 days after we were divorced. D12 remembered some things, and has figured it all out and is disgusted. She loves him because he is her father, but she hates what he has done/continues to do. The kids see it, and they are affected by it. But the offending spouse never see it that way. they live in the land of "the kids will be happy because I am happy." Must be nice to have the world revolve around you!!! I never spoke about the things he did....I didn't have to, he made his own bed.....they all seem to do that.
Your X is who he is, that isn't going to change unless he does some work to change. The way he treated you will carry over into his relationships with the kids....it is sad, but it isn't your responsibility. All you can do it be supportive of your kids and hopefully having one stable parent will be enough.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I told my bro and sis in law what happened to my M. Actually I had them read it, I showed them my first thread from here (easier than trying to explain from the beginning, those posts were pretty well thought out)
Sis in law to bro after they are done reading: "you're not going to hit him, are you?"
My bro is NOT a violent man, but he hasn't decided yet... (He won't, just nice for him to think about)
