Faith without works... (my new thread)

[james217]

I’m still calm. You see at the point of her venting I would usually get defensive and start arguing and raising her voice. I let her express her feelings. I validated and then continued reading.

I told her how I felt like in the beginning I built her up and over the past few months when I got sick and depressed I began tearing her down and lowering her self esteem.

I told her how she was right about how the way my parents can relate to each other will not work for us because I don’t like the way they talk to me either and hearing that type of arguing has made me want to get out of here as soon as possible especially when it’s indirectly directly done to me.

I just kept reading. I told her I forgave her for the infidelity and the herpes because she really did not know she had it. We found out that SD8 bio father purposely gave it to her and it had been dormant for years and did not even show up on blood tests when she had been in the hospital previously. She was carrying it but showing no symptoms.

I kept reading about how God can build and restore How I want us to wipe the slate clean. How he is a loving and forgiving God. How I strive to be more like him. How I’m not perfect and just like she’s trying to forgive me I must forgive her so that God can forgive me too. How I know God can change me and he can change her too and how we can come out of this situation wiser stronger and more committed and connected to god and each other and our families and not allow the devil to destroy our marriage. How that if I don’t change I will lose my wife forever. How we will both lose each other and that’s what the devil wants to happen. How I’m ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen.

I read about how I saw flashes of the woman I married. The woman who trusted me again. The woman who loved and trusted me with her heart. How it felt like she looked at me with forgiveness and love and how much she laughed and giggled.

I read about my thoughts of wanting to be intimate completely with her but I how I could tell she still needs space and isn’t ready for that or to come back home. How I wanted to continue go out dating and making more positive experiences.

I read about how I had lost sight of being the Christian man she had married. How I stopped going to church and reading my bible to keep myself and my family protected from the devil. I told her how I felt that I allowed the devil to almost destroy me. How he had gotten a major hold on me.

I read about how it was going going to take time for us to trust and love each other without negative thoughts and feelings. How I was tired of argueing. How if both of us put God first in our lives, minds, and hearts and are sincere he can change heal and restore us. How I was going to continue to pray and fast and almost go to my 12 week anger management class.

After I finished reading the entry, there was nothing but silence. I think she was crying but I couldn’t tell. Then she surprised me by what she said next. She apologized. She said how much of an idiot she was. She was like baby I’m so sorry. I’m so used to expecting negative that Im always expecting the worst. I’m sorry if I hurt you tonight. I am scared. It’s so hard for me to trust not just you but anyone right now. She then stated she needed to take her epilepsy medicine and then go to bed.

That’s where I should have ended the call. But I was still hurting and wanted to talk. What she said earlier was still stinging me. We got off the phone and texted a little while longer. I expressed my hurt over what was said and how it still stung a little. She told me she was sorry and we both went to bed.