But do not wait around either. This "waiting" for them to "decide" what they want can take years and most healthy people do not think it's cool to waste precious time on someone who "doesn't know...."
In fact, go ahead and take your own wedding ring off. Be mysterious. Go out alone on some nights.
Excuse me? You are not the only person on this board and believe it or not we do have lives of our own. How rude!
I apologize to Sandi and the others that have responded to me. I did not mean it as it sounded. I have read many threads on here and subscribed to some. It just seems that the only people who get many responses are the ones who have way worse problems than I do. I am just frustrated in so many ways and was hoping for some variety of answers and some insite from a variety of people. All of the advice I have received on here has helped me and I appreciate that. My intention was not to insult the people who have responded, but maybe get the attention of people who have not responed.
She is most likely at a point where she is questioning herself right now and needs to do some soul searching of her own-----but don't acknowledge that as a possibility (as in---don't tell her you think you know what she's thinking....or going through..). You might want to check out some of the MLC resources (I may be wrong, but it may be a possibility).
I think you might be right about the MLC. Our life together was not exactly adding up to what she thought it would be and she is going to turn 40 in a few months. I think she feels like she needs to get more out of life. More than being married or being held down with reasonability. She just does not realize that she is older and responsibility does not go away!!!
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
If you continue to make the changes in you, she will notice. If she is going through something of a life change herself it may be awhile before she is ready to recommit (maybe a LONG time). PLEASE be patient. You will read here many times-----be the "lighthouse" be that person she wants to go to when she's ready, if she's ready.
Being the lighthouse is an interesting thought. I am going to really think about that one.
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
If you are serious about standing for your marriage, this is all you can do. You do not have control over anyone else but yourself---this is something you have to beat into your brain.
Be the lighthouse!
Unfortunately I know this. I feel now what her frustration was when I was so depressed. She could see the way out of what was going on and could not understand why I did not. Now the roles are reversed and I see what she will or cannot and all I can do is wait. It took her to leave me for me to realize what a mess my life, and therefore hers, had become. I guess I was hoping that I would come up with the one thing that would shock her like she did to me.
But do not wait around either. This "waiting" for them to "decide" what they want can take years and most healthy people do not think it's cool to waste precious time on someone who "doesn't know...."
Thanks Kimme Lee!! As I mentioned on a previous post, I now feel how she felt. I wasted many years trying to get a life. It was not until I owned up to myself that the problems I had I made myself. I kept blaming the world for my problems. Now that I have a good grasp on things, it is my turn to wait like she did for me. But, I do not want to wait years like you said.
Originally Posted By: Kimmie Lee
In fact, go ahead and take your own wedding ring off. Be mysterious. Go out alone on some nights.
You think that is a good idea? I have had my ring off for a total of 16 hours since I have been married. I did not take it off for baseball/softball or any other sport I played. It hurt sometimes because I play first base and catch with my left hand, OUCH!!!. I just feel it is my commitment just as it was when we were married. I had thought about it since she did it, but I do not know if I want to compromise what I believe. Any thoughts?
SMM23, i have kept my rings on, too. i can't bring myself to take them off. i'm still married. i made a commitment, whether or not my H decided to honor it. he still wears his, as far as i know...i would say don't take it off unless YOU want to. i feel naked without mine and i'm not ready to take it off anyway. i feel like that says, i'm over this. and i'm not. seems like you may not be, either.
you can still be mysterious with the ring on.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I am just so confused. I have been doing the things I am supposed to do and continuing with all the suggestions here and in the DR book. The funny thing is, as far as communication and the family stuff things are better, probably better than they ever have been. She and I are kidding around like we used to and having conversations and communicating better than ever. So I think things are very good and getting better. But then she takes Tuesday off of work and does not tell me and goes and does a whole bunch of stuff and comes home at 9:30 at night after my parents watch our son for the "work" day and then I watch him all night. But I was good and did not ask where she was or what she did. She did eventually volunteer the information however. Then I took Friday off and slept in a bit, mom had surgery in the afternoon. If we are both up in the morning she will come find me and give me a kiss and a hug before I leave. She used to, years ago, kiss me every morning on the head before she would leave for work. Today, all she did was let the dog into my room and leave. Maybe it is still too early to expect this kind of behavior but it does not make it any less frustrating and confusing. In many ways we are getting along sooo good that it feels like we are back together. But I know in my heart it is not yet. Aside from the fact she is still not wearing her ring and sleeping in another room and no relations whatsoever. Although I must say it is so wonderful to have the first part of the relationship back. I love the communication and the kidding around. It is borderline flirting. She keep saying things about men on TV, I think to get me to react. What, based on what I said here, do you think is going on? Are we on the way back to reconciliation, or is she toying with me. My feelings are so conflicted and I am trying so hard to not push anything. Been extremely good at that lately. If that is what it takes to get my wife back I am willing to sacrifice. Please give me as many opinions as possible out there, please!!!
It's easy to get caught up in the roller coaster, isn't it? I don't know what to tell you other than enjoy the good times and accept them for what they are. Have no expectations whatsoever!
I also suffered through depression and didn't realize it at the time. My W always brings it up. All you and I can do is accept our responsibility in the sitch and make the effort to be a better person. I'm sure it was hard on her at times, but, as I told her this weekend, it was her decision to give up on the M, not mine.
You have to have patience, something that was hard for me to grasp. If you are getting along in most aspects, that's better than walking on eggshell all the time. Go with it, enjoy it. Don't pursue and let her know how much you miss ML or the intimate times with her. She knows this, you don't have to remind her. She has to decide. My W is finally at this point and I really don't care what her decision is, you can't live in limbo forever. You also can't decide for her, only how long you can live with things as they are.
It's easy to get caught up in the roller coaster, isn't it? I don't know what to tell you other than enjoy the good times and accept them for what they are. Have no expectations whatsoever!
Good luck!
Thanks for the response. It is so difficult for me to understand the logic of all of this, if there is any. How could our day to day interactions be soo good. We talk and interact better than ever, but then she will not even do somethnig as simple as sleep in the same bed, or any form of contact other than the occasioal hug and peck style kiss. Totally illogical and she is terrified of getting close again. I can sense her pulling away anytime the mood turns too serious or she starts getting too close. I have never, before now, thought of cheating on my wife, but I NEED some kind of affection and it does not even need to be sex, and I know she is not going to give this affection to me right now. I am having a very hard time with this.
