"I know what I want and what I don't want but I'm not very good at saying it out loud."
BULL. This is precisely why I keep suggesting that you give yourself time and space to figure out what you really want. You don't know. Get honest with yourself before you start trying to do this:
"I'm going to have to sit him down and have a talk about boundaries with him ASAP."
You can't have effective and useful boundaries if you aren't honest with yourself to begin with about what you want.
"I think I need him to voice what he thinks is going on. "
Why in the world do you think he knows anymore than you do?????
It has been a couple of days since you've had sex. He probably has no more clear thoughts/agenda than you do.
Here's the deal: my guess is that you are both sort of toying with the idea of reconciliation. Neither of you know if you want it. Neither of you can know just yet.
You can certainly act in ways now to shut down that possibility.
Or, you can chill, while you sort yourself out, have an open mind, and breathe. Get honest with yourself. Don't rush. OWN YOUR OWN CHOICES AND YOUR OWN RISKS.
You are already wanting to seek reassurances from Gabe that this "means something," that he is "done with other women," "coming home," "fully committed to you and an M," "he'll never cheat again." Blah blah blah. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW.
Imagine you just started seeing someone, had sex, and then were freaking out that the person wasn't suddenly committed to a life long monogomous romantic relationship with you. TOO MUCH TOO SOON.
Trying to get the same out of Gabe right now is the same thing. TOO MUCH TOO SOON. You are effectively embarking on a new R. Neither of you knows where it leads. Accept the risk or stop the R.
But, I urge you to really reflect honestly on which way you want to go: accepting the risk or eliminating the risk.
Both options have potential costs/benefits. It is YOUR CHOICE which way you choose to go. But when you make that choice, you have to OWN RESPONSIBILITY for the potential costs/benefits that you have FREELY CHOSEN to incur. NO VICTIMHOOD HERE. YOUR CHOICES, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
I suggest you put Gabe on a month of double-secret probation. Just see how things go. At the end of the month, then take some space to reflect and see what choices you want to make then. Maybe another month of double-secret probation, maybe send him to the homeless shelter, who knows. Don't try to figure it out now. Again, you aren't psychic.
If something feels bad, don't agree to it. If you need space, take it. Put respecting and caring for yourself at the top of the list. Be who you want to be, no matter what. No warping yourself for Gabe, no compromising your identity. Again, be who you want to be in an R. Good R's enhance us, they don't diminish us, they let us be our best. Be your best.
Do I think you want to reconcile or at least see where things go? Yes, I'd say so. Given you have such a desire, I think you owe it to yourself to keep your options open just now.
Do I think reconciliation is possible? Sure.
Is reconciliation likely? Who knows, I don't. But the important thing is that while exploring that path, you take care of yourself and stay true to your best self.
At some point, you will be ready to express your boundaries. At some point, boundaries will change. Both are OK, both are healthy. If things get serious, a lot of work will need to be done on trust, plans to identify and avoid triggers for him cheating, probably IC, MC, who knows. But that is not right now. Stay in the present.
I'm just concerned that if you act now too quickly, you'll not have given yourself time to reflect and figure out what you really want. There is too much self-deception, confusion, shock, etcetera right now (perfectly normal!). So, rather than trying to figure out boundaries for reconciliation or a long term R, maybe just work on expressing yourself directly when something isn't working for you or you need more space.
"I'm feeling uncomfortable." "That doesn't work for me just this minute." "Wow, I need to go for a walk to get some space, my brains going a mile a minute."
Now, with respect to his flirtiness.... You are now in a sexual relationship with Gabe. Period. Let's stop pretending that it won't happen again or that you want it to stop. You are thus in a new sexual relationship. Who do you want to be as a sexual being? Be that person now. AUTHENTICITY and HONESTY in everything you do from now on. When he pats your butt, do you want to be coy: "Oh my!" Do you want to be hot/kinky: "why don't you bend me over your knee and get serious!" Do you want to be cold: zero response. Do you want to be sexy, "I don't know why that gets me going, but it does." Playful: "Got anything to back that up with?" Who do YOU want to be? Let your sexual self out without checking with your censor about what Gabe wants.
My advice: Be true. To yourself. See where things go.
Caveat: Look, if you don't want to accept the real risks of seeing where things go, then that is perfectly reasonable. Nothing wrong with that at all. I just don't think you're at a place where you can honestly assess this. Thus, I'd err on the side of keeping your options open until you are clearer in your own head about what you want. But, if the risks are just to great in your mind, then, find the number for the homeless shelter and boot him out. The concern you should have here is FOR YOU. You are not obligated to try an R. He is not entitled to expect you to try. You do nothing wrong whether you try or not. But, you do have to OWN your choices and their consequences. (Which, BTW, helps me a lot with tolerating risk -- my choices, my risks, my consequences. Again, no room for victimhood.)
OT - YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I love your post. I am soaking it in and taking it to heart. I will tell you that I started a brief conversation with him today about what he thinks this is. He said he "didn't expect it, didn't plan it, it just ended up that way and it was fun." Whew! That is exactly what I was thinking. It just happened (ok....honestly....'just' happened 3 times now. ) and I'm not going to dwell on it. I spoke more than I ever have to him about what I want right now.
1)This was fun. There are no expectations.
2)Condoms will ALWAYS be used, no exceptions, no 'awww...come on. You're spoiling the mood.' I told him I don't know where he's been and I'm not willing to risk my life for sex. He kept saying he hasn't been with anyone and not even with OW for a while but I called BS on him and told him that I have no trust where he is concerned. He can keep talking but all I'm going to hear about it is 'blah, blah, blah, lie, lie, deception, lie'. No offense, but that's the way it is. Condoms or nothing. He said he understood that.
3)If I feel myself getting emotionally connected to him or feel like I am adjusting myself to him I will pull back. I told him not to take that personally but I have worked too hard to become true to myself and my own feelings and I'm still a work in progress. If that is threatened because we are having some fun together, then I have to pull back. He says he understands that too. We'll see.
That was as much time as we had to talk but I think I have established what I need for now.
BBJ - The exercise is making me feel good, but my body hasn't changed at all yet. My legs are a little stronger and I've lost about 10 pounds total. Considering the amount I need to lose, that's not much but it's something. I do have some PMA just because I feel like there has to be something partially attractive about me (at least to him) for him to be acting like an 18 year old horny teenager.
Dylan - YOU CRACK ME UP!!!!!!! I laughed so hard I was tearing up. Keep the jokes coming (pun intended).
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I really don't miss living with Gabe. I don't miss his smelly socks, fart bombs in bed, sarcastic put-downs disguised as jokes (he really doesn't see that they hurt even when he is told that they do), and the way he has to have the dishwasher loaded in just one specific way and gets angry when anyone does it 'wrong'.
I do miss the help with the everyday tasks, the tag team in raising our son, the sitting quietly on the porch talking over the day. Those are temporarily back but I don't expect it to continue for long.
Now.....I missed the sex horribly! Not the sex of the last year of our M because that was strained and more like a chore. I didn't understand why at the time but once I found out about the broom it became clear.
I don't know how this is going to go. I don't know how long I can keep my stupid, girly emotions in check but while it lasts I'm going to enjoy it. I did tell my best friend about it because I keep NO SECRETS from her at all. She laughed and said that she was shocked (insert sarcasm here) and appalled to know that I had become such a wanton but she was jealous at the same time.
Truly, I feel like I'm being untrue to my character and that bothers me. I'm still searching for my own answers and being careful to make sure that I don't start having expectations. I will say though, I do find that my jealous nature springs up every time I see him texting. I know it's a woman, I know her first name and I'm pretty sure I know who she is but I don't want to know anything else. There is no reason for me to care. Heck....if I had the opportunity I'd be doing the same thing. I've told you all, I have a romantic nature and need to feel loved and cared for and I know for a fact that I could never feel that from Gabe again even if he tried. There is just too much past damage from him.
So, still at war with myself. Working on it.
Now out to enjoy this beautiful, pollen rich day!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
) and I'm not going to dwell on it. I spoke more than I ever have to him about what I want right now. 
Keep the jokes coming (pun intended).