Thanks Allen for all the info. The thing is, I think is DOES know how to be a husband. He just CHOOSES not to do it and have EAs. With all of our issues, we've been to MC in the past, many books, talks, etc. He's great is so many ways, which is the only reason it's hard to decide whether or not to try at our M. Actually, when he's having his EAs he's often (not so much this time) extra nice to me, b/c he's happier.
And I'm pretty sure he's having a MLC this time too.
Thanks again.
He may know part way how to be a husband, but he does not know how to be a faithful one.
Being a good parent, a good provider, all of that overlaps with fidelity.
If he can't keep his pants on then he isnt' that great a provider... its like bringing home poisoned groceries.
Whatever husbandlike qualities he can demonstate, they are tainted with his dishonesty, thoughtlessness, and hurtful actions.
Good husband's dont' choose to cheat. They choose marriage and choose to respect their wife.
Each day he has to make that choice again, to be a good husabnd or a deadbeat.
Him doing "nice things" doens't make him a good husband... it just makes him remorseful. Feeling lousy about something while you do it does NOT make it any less hurtful.
The best thing to do when he's cheating is to refuse any thoughtful advances he's offering. When you accept a kind act while he's cheating, you enable him. He is essentially offering you a bribe to let him off the hook to continue the infidelity. He isnt' saying "here's these flowers, may I go cheat now", but when he cheats on you, comes home with flowers and YOU ACCEPT them, the transaction is there in his mind and he feels entitled.
My wife did that too... its partly their guilt, and partly a ubiquitous bribe for support of the affair. If you take that cup of coffee he makes you, or let him wash the car or anything to contribute to the marriage while he's cheating, its a BRIBE to get you to support the infidelity.
When he's cheating and offering you nice, throw it BACK at him and tell him you don't negotiate with cheaters. That puts a stop to the enabling on the spot.
