Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[Allen A]

We had that little argument tonight... what makes up a serial cheater. I said, I don't know, you cheated three times in two Ms that I know of, how do you define it? Five times? Eight?

se·ri·al
/ Show Spelled[seer-ee-uhl] Show IPA
–noun
of, pertaining to, consisting of, or occurring in a series rather than simultaneously:


So, basically serial means "more than one"

Anyway, I came home from my class tonight and told him the following:
1. I am NOT ready to give up on us, although I am fine with scrapping the old M (symbolically)
2. I am NOT giving up the kids, the house or the dogs.
3. I want to start dating and see how it goes.
4. I will start counseling if he desires, and I would like it if he went with me once or twice to fill them in on his side.

Remove the "if he desires" part.

Just find a GOOD FT who does NOT support infidelity, recognizes it as an addiction, and has experience treating marriages with infidelity problems in them.

I would just TELL him you are going and GO. You don't need to negotiate. Your husband is of the mind right now that HE has to GET into the FACE of EVERYONE you expose and talk to. So, I suspect if you start going he will very much want to get in there and tell "his side" of the "story"

MWD makes this point clear in DR, MOST Of the time when she takes on a new marriage case it is only ONE spouse who calls and who she first sees, the other spouse often comes along later AFTER a good example has been set by the LBS.

Now, I know it's a R talk and I know it was not well received. He tried to bait me twice and I didn't fall for it. However, I needed to get that out because tomorrow while I'm learning to drive the motorcycle, he will be at MIL's house filling her in on the "rest" of the story about me. He told her she does NOT have the full story about me.

Let him dance all he wants. Your MIL is GOLD. She should call him more on how much DAMAGE this guy is doing and not cater so much to her poor baby Son, but this is to be expected. She's a landslide of support compared to most men's mothers who just seem to enable them blindly without a shred of conscience.

All she really needs to hit him with is :

"If you divorce that beautiful woman, TEAR up TWO MARRIAGES, and run off with OW there is NO WAY OW will EVER be WELCOME OW in MY HOME... EVER... I am starting to wonder if my son has a conscience..."

This stand should put your Husband in a VERY TIGHT SPOT.

She's prepared to repeat the request/demand that he go to counseling and give me/the M another chance. However, the story he gave her was that "we had spoken and came to the conclusion that it's pretty much not able to come back." Well, I had never said that and I needed to make sure my position was CLEAR before he went over there.

Yup, its a story, you may want to consider secretly recording one of these "stories" in progress and play it back for her so she can HEAR her son's LIES.

When people HEAR that THEY are being LIED to OUTRIGHT they ten to stop supporting the liar any further, even if they are related... NO ONE likes being LIED to.

As long as MIL understands addiction she should get that her SON is going to tell her whatever he needs to say in order to save face and get OW and him setup together. He will LIE, CHEAT, and STEAL to do it.

Your MIL is taking the place of a GOOD family therapist right now.

The problem is your husband thinks this is a WAR between YOU and HIM. It's a WAR between MARRIAGE and INFIDELITY. Your husband needs to bail off the losing side here before you lose respect for him completely. I honestly can't see your mother supporting OW at all in the future... and she should make that CLEAR to her SON. OW was DELIBERATELY SABOTAGING her DAUGHTER in law in SECRET for how many months? Does this guy honestly expect her to welcome this OW into her home?

So, I told him I wanted a monogamous relationship and another chance, starting with dating. He said "who are you going to ask about that? ME?" I said yes, of course, I'd have to believe him. (I know guys, I was just avoiding the bait.)

Yup, a TRANSPARENCY AGREEMENT is an essential part of reconcilliation after infidelity. If your husband refuses to be tansparent then he hasn't grown up and he is going to continue to play games with you.

Phil McGraw has a wonderful saying :

Those who have nothing to hide, hide NOTHING.

That, is how a partnership best functions.

He seemed angry or at least shut off during this convo, as you can imagine...

I made a post in ALJ's thread tonight about communication and bullying, you may want to read that, I think i may have said some stuff in there you might find of use. You don't need to read the whole thread, just the latest post I made.

It's not entirely relevant, but it is a solid warning to you so you can be confident you are taking the healthiest route for yourself.. and I do believe you are.

What do you think? 2x4s for me?

Nah, if anything i would hit HIM with one.