Huband is having an emotional affair

[Allen A]

Thanks for the critiquing the e-mail for me. I definately wanted someone to look it over before I sent it to H. I won't send the e-mail yet but it felt good to put my feelings on paper since H and I don't seem to know how to communicate to each other about what has happened.

It not only feels good, it gives you PRACTICE at communicating how you feel. Practicing in person with your spouse isn't the best way to get that practice time in, its way too stressful to learn under those conditions.

4luv- I know what you mean about sending your H a letter and then changing your mind. I have basically tried to communicate to H how I feel but it usually becomes a debate between us and he also says that I am trying to make him feel bad. He doesn't seem to like the guilt that is associated with what he has done.

Your husband TURNS it into a debate.

Who on earth said communication had to feel GOOD?

Sometimes your spouse has to tell you how they feel and its NOT GOOD NEWS... So you shut that OUT? Silence the bad news? Debate that bad news into going away?

Sometimes you do things to hurt your spouse, and debating that into the ground until its SILENT is NOT going to make your marriage any better.

This sounds like it is EXACTLY what your Husband is doing.

Somehow I doubt HE would like it if HIS feelings were trod over like that as if they don't matter.

Its classic bullying. Your husband my dear is a BULLY.

If he doens't LIKE the guilt that comes from you telling him how you feel he has two choices :

a. Bully your communication into the ground until you give up and just be silent
b. Shut up, LISTEN, feel like CRAP for the TIME BEING, and then USE the information you just got to STOP HURTING YOUR DAMN SPOUSE!!!

Which one do you think he should be doing ALJ?

This e-mail is the first stand up letter that I have sent to H and hopefully he will respond in a positive way but he might just get mad, make excuses for his actions, or not respond at all.

ALJ, you need to STOP worrying about him getting MAD. Your husabnd is using his ANGER to manipulate you into stomaching an AWFUL LOT of ABUSE. This is classic symptoms of bullying and abuse here. LET him get MAD. Let him STEW!

Your HUSBAND needs to LEARN that getting MAD at feelings of GUILT is CHILDISH and ABUSIVE, not to mention destructive to a marriage.

Your husband is going to get mad, he is going to make excuses, he is going to distance himself.

Let him.

The further away he is, the better. His bullying and abuse isnt' being ENABLED anymore. YOU will feel BETTER for a change.

He WILL feel worse, but your words will RESONATE for a while. When he argues and you eventually give up and go silent. HE THINKS he's solved the problem and will DISCARD what you feel. He thinks its resolved! When you just say what you have to say and IGNORE his TANTRUM then the words RESONATE.

Then you say them AGAIN.

And AGAIN

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand AGAIN.

It's called standing up for yourself, and its great for your confidence and your dignity.

Spousal abuse and bullying and these sorts of dynamics have patterns, and I can read them quite resonantly here in your posts.

My dear, your husband is bullying your marriage into the ground. And he's putting a slice of infidelity on the top of it just to make it hurt all the more.

Allen- I agree with you on the wording that I used about the kids not needing child support as much as their dad. Maybe I should change the wording to "H, you providing financial support to the kids is not going to fill the void of you not physically and mentally being here for them. They constantly ask me "where are you, when are you coming home for good?"

That is MUCH better.

As of right now, we do not have any legal agreements regarding our separation, visitation regarding the kids, or any child support payments ordered by the court. I haven't went that route yet because H gives us most of his unemployment money. Once H does get a job, I am hoping that he will give me money voluntarily for the kids because there will be no more unemployment coming into our joint account. If he doesn't then I will have look into getting child support. After what happened at the BBQ last saturday with husband, I don't think I will attending too many of the family gatherings where he is present also. My MIL, SIL, and BIL would probably be upset if I am not there but it is just too uncomfortable for me when he purposely ignores me.

I think your in laws are enabling him. You need to figure out if you want your dignity or if you want your in laws. If your husband mistreats you this badly and your in laws just turn their head and welcome him home then those are in laws you don't NEED.

Don't take your kids there. I honeslty think you need to see a lawyer and sort out some visitation arrangements that minimize how often HE exposes himself to your children. And right now they are YOUR children. This guy is just one of those uncles that shows up with gifts and smiles and then dissappears. When you're a kid you think those people are cool. When you grow up you realize a spouse playing distance games is just exerting a ubiquitous form of abuse. Keep your kids away from that. It just enables him and exposes your kids to someone they don't need to learn from.

If you have to allow him rights to visit, then do it from your family's side. Find out what you HAVE to do legally first. But do NOT go through HIS family. THEY support HIM not you.

His family only support you while YOU support your HUSBAND's behaviour. THAT is family you don't need.