I don't get on the boards much anymore as our marriage is progressing nicely, so when I took a look at this thread and saw the compliment from Puppy, I just had to respond.....thanks Pup.
For those of you who never read my sitch....I was a regular on the Infidelity board a couple years ago. I've since moved on to Piecing and yes, our marriage was saved.
I'll only speak to my situation and what I've read (Harley, Glass) and what Steven Harley said to me during our counciling sessions.
In my situation, my W was terribly addicted to OM (and yes, I believe most A's are an addiction). Even after she knew that OM had moved on to another woman and made it fairly evident to her that he had moved on, she still was convinced that when our youngest son graduated from H.S. (two years from then) that OM would be waiting for her. OM began distancing himself when I exposed to his W, but my W was convinced that when they divorced, which process had begun after I let her know what was going on (OM had 4 A's during their marriage that she knew about and a couple more she suspected) that she could divorce me and they'd live happily ever after.
Once I knew OM had moved on, I began trying to outshine him. Didn't work. W perceived me as a wuss. She's told me that since we reconciled. She told me that she didn't have any respect for me because I was letting her treat me that way. So after 4 months of trying to outshine OM and me finding evidence that W was continuing to try to get together with OM, even after she told me it was over, I finally grew a set, made an appointment with a lawyer and told my grown children why I was going to divorce their mother.
My telling the kids was what woke her up. W came to me a day after I told the kids and said she would try to make our marriage work and that she'd give it until our son graduated from H.S. I told her that if I found any contact between her and OM, I would file immediately.
That was the beginning of NC. And it still took her over a year before I began to see real changes in her. I read a week or so ago where Sandi (Hi Sandi!) told another man posting here that it took her well over a year to get over her OM. And I can attest to it taking that long with my W. It still took another 6 months after I began seeing those changes in my W before she finally broke down and told me she didn't know what the F she was thinking, that she loves me and had always loved me. That was 7 months ago. There's still little bumps in the road and I wouldn't say we're completely recovered, but we're pretty darn close.
So...do I think that what I've seen described as the "little bo peep" method can work? Yes, but in my humble opinion, by the time that method works, the LBS has had more than they can take and has moved on. There's just too much disrespect that goes on for a person to take it for long.
In Harley's method, you try to outshine the OP for a period of time. For women it's recommended you try for no more than 6 weeks, for men 6 months. Exposure to the spouse, your kids and anyone else that can have influence on the wayward is to be done during this first time period. And if the spouse involved in the A hasn't ended it by that time, you separate and go completely dark and let the A run it's course. When the A ends (which it most likely will), the thought is that you'll still have enough feelings for your spouse that you'll be open to giving your marriage a try.
Personally, I don't see a lot of conflict in MWD's advice and Harley's advise on these points. On the exposure, yes, but the gist of it isn't a whole lot different. MWD recommends LRT and Harley recommends separation and going completely dark on your spouse. The LRT is basically the same thing.
Wow, that was more than I intended to write. I just know for me and in the literature I've read and in my sessions with S. Harley, if you let the A run it's course without some stong stands against it, even if your spouse comes back and wants to try, you'll probably be too far gone to want to try yourself.
And yes, I believe there's a gender difference too. I read somewhere, and I know Puppy likes to say it, for a woman to love a man, there has to be respect and most women won't respect a man who's letting her treat him like chit (my W included).
And I'll say one last thing that I'm sure will generate a chit storm of responses....In all the time I've read on this board and the MB board, the people that protest the strong stances the most are the people who have had or are having an A themselves. I've seen them repeatedly say that if their spouse had given them enough time, they would have returned to the marriage. I'm sure that can work, but most of what I've read (and my own experience) leads me to believe that by the time that happens, you just don't have the energy or inclination to give your marriage a shot.
I'll close with, everyone who comes here wants the same thing. Marriages to be saved. Everyone is free to accept or reject the advise given to them. And of course, everyone's opinion is colored by their own experiences. So I guess I would say, I agree with Lotus that you have to weigh everything that you're advised to do by people on these message boards and make the best decision for YOU. Heck, even someone like me who agrees with the "Ghandi" method disagrees wtih some of the advise that other proponents of the method suggest.
