Seeking Serenity...

[Gardener]

Trent, I agree to disagree as well. My remarks were not the result of just reading anecdotal situations and outcomes here on the boards. I followed Divorce Remedy to a tee and had a number of DB telecoaching sessions. The touted success rate is simply not supported.

(((Serenity))))Infidelity or no, this is so true:

The mess each of us has been left in is deplorable...The pain is almost unimaginable

Susan Anderson, author of The Journey From Abandonment To Healing has worked with abandoned spouses for twenty-five years. She characterizes the pain and stages of the one abandoned/left behind as "Absolutely debilitating" and sees the effect as somewhat akin to PTSD. I highly recommend this book!

One thing my Pastor told me so many months ago - He doesn't want you to ever be second best...

Is that what your Pastor said looking deep in your eyes that affected you so profoundly back then? I can appreciate how powerful that must have been for you. I welled up slightly just reading it right now.

(((Serenity)))

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Is that what your Pastor said looking deep in your eyes that affected you so profoundly back then? I can appreciate how powerful that must have been for you. I welled up slightly just reading it right now.

I first walked into that Church almost a year ago (Fathers' Day will be a year)...After service him and I sat in the first row in the pew...Me, broken...Him, an answer to months of prayer...

I never met him before that day however as we sat there with the congregation clearing out, me crying almost hysterically, him with tears in his eyes, the story just poured out of me...The first thing he asked me was if I wanted to stay in my marriage - The next words out of his mouth was "God doesn't ever want you to be second best"...A very profound statement that I am just now starting to believe.

He uttered it months ago however it stayed in my mind from that day forward.

If you ever come my way, I would be honored for you to join me at service...Honored for you to meet the man who has made such a wonderful impact on my life.

[Kimmie Lee]

Uh, excuse me, Trent, but I HAVE read that DB IS supposed to be for couples who need help NOW, as opposed to "a long time from....whenever...."

Serenity, you rock. Seriously.

And I know that if I had written the things that you wrote here, I would have been ripped apart, accused of being bitter, etc.....

Funny, that.

[DumpedforMIL]

in DR, MWD doesn't claim that all marriage should be saved.
and she notes that marriages where there is abuse, addiction, or chronic infidelity should not be saved.

so you are right.
people with spouses who cheat probably shouldn't try to save their marriages.
once a cheater, always a cheater.
even if they do it once, they are likely to do it again.

i couldn't handle it if my h put his thing in someone else.
that would be a dealbreaker for me.
i know i deserve better than that.

dumped.

[Gardener]

(((Serenity)))

...the story just poured out of me...

Interesting in that Susan Anderson's work with abandoned spouses discovered an almost universal early, post-bomb symptom: a compelling, almost uncontrollable need to tell the entire story in a "blow-by-blow account of the traumatic event. Screening out the less relevant details is beyond the teller's control."
That was surprising and comforting for me to read - validating, almost - in that I found myself often - always - doing that for months. "By going over all the pivotal points of loss, you remind yourself why you feel so out of control, that something traumatic really did happen."

If you ever come my way, I would be honored for you to join me at service...Honored for you to meet the man who has made such a wonderful impact on my life.

I would be honored.

[Gardener]

Kimmie Lee,

And I know that if I had written the things that you wrote here, I would have been ripped apart, accused of being bitter, etc.....Funny, that.

No doubt. Most people admit to admiring honesty. But brutal candor? Well, that's a whole 'nother story for some.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener))))

I think I need this book you are speaking of...It seems to have some good information in it!

Funny cause even now 14 months later, I still find myself doing it...Like I have zero control of my mouth! Not to everyone certainly however I know I still do this lol.

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend my friend!

[Serenity13]

(((Kimmie)))

I expected some to not agree with me and that is fine as well...

I am in the process of being taught to stop living for everyone else and stop worrying about what each person thinks of me - My big brother is a wonderful teacher.

I admit I sugarcoat a lot, I stuff a lot down and I have lived my life worrying about what affect my words would have on other people...Always caring if I made someone mad or sad by what I said...

I do it here, I do it in my real life...About the only place you will find my true candor is on my blog. I don't hold much back there.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Serenity13]

(((Dumped)))

I will have to disagree with your statement "Once a cheater, always a cheater"...I know there are some seriously remorseful spouses who have done the work to repair the damage caused to their marriages - My H doesn't happen to be one of them.

that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Never say never because until you know what you are faced with, you never truly know how you react to the situation...I said the same thing all along...For 20 years, I always thought cheating would be the dealbreaker for me as well...Turns out it wasn't the cheating that was the dealbreaker, it was the absolute hell he has put me and my children through these past 14 months...

I forgave the cheating...I forgave a lot of things from this man...What I can't look past is the way he treated us like we didn't matter. The utter disrespect still blows my mind...The hatred spewed can still bring me to my knees...The rewriting of our history breaks my heart and the indifference he shows our youngest son is enough to make me go postal.

Once I finally got it in my head that I was worth more then this then the game was on...

The continued cheating is just the icing on the cake.

[pearlharbr]

Serenity, I wholeheartedly support what you're doing now. You absolutely deserve better and should focus on doing what will make you happy.

I am one of the few in piecing, but I don't credit DBing for that. I did talk to a DB coach and while some of her advice made sense, most of it made me miserable. Only when I decided that I deserved better and decided to move forward solo did BF pull his head out of his ass and come back around. And I almost didn't give him a second chance. Sometimes I wish I hadn't because a new life on my own is definitely appealing.

So you go out and live a life where you are the #1 priority.