Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[25yearsmlc]

"I don't recall reading a post here when exposure actually made an affair worse. I have read posts where there was fallout... tantrums, threats, fury, even rage... but never heard of a case yet where the cheating spouse upped the ante as a result of their LBS revealing what they were doing in secret."

There were several although once things got bad, the posters stopped posting. I think BigJohn was one. There was another post here where the the person exposed to everyone who would listen and they ended up getting engaged.

Just saying that you really can't make blanket statements like that. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Other Forums that specialize in MLC and infidelity actually seem to show that after exposure it made things worse.

"5. Family - this kinda stuff brings families closer. It gives them a chance to jump in and help you out when you really need it"

This is also a bit misleading. The family usually gets torn because they feel they have to choose between one person or the other. And the majority of the time they will side with the one whom they have a blood relation to. That's been shown all over this board. Same as the friends. They feel "obligated" to choose one over the other. I've had alot of personal experience with that. It's tough. Most of them will walk the fence or cut ties to both because they don't want to be included in the drama or be seen as a "traitor".

I'm all for the confidence and dignity though. Although if you want that, you might as well just bypass exposure and go straight for D.

Just my 2 cents.

Here's my 2 cents...and yes there are arguments for it, but IF you mean what I think you mean...

LOTS Of m's are hurt by exposure...frankly, I can't think of one that was saved BECAUSE of exposure, IF, IF you mean by exposure-telling the OP's spouse and family and going public? IF you simply mean confronting YOUR spouse-- by all means do it. But involving others who may know already and don't need a 3rd party shoving it in their face, or may not want to know for sure while they work on things, OR may be trying to work things out their own way, forcing them to confront YOUR issue is not your job. There's a big diff between suspecting an A and working on your M, AND having it in your face for the world to see. Look at Tiger Woods [i]and for a minute,[/i] assume he really is remorseful, although nutty, and assume he truly wants help and wants to save his marriage --and assume for a minute you are Elin and you love him and you have kids with him BUT THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS OF YOUR PAIN AND KEEPS ON HARPING ABOUT IT....exposure makes it a whole lot harder to stay M, not easier.

Bottom line with ALL The arguments for and against, it comes down partly to this: Are you truly doing it for ALL the right reasons OR is part of you wanting to hurt someone else, like you are hurting? And are there kids involved? AND, will it help YOUR goal of saving the M or is that no longer the goal...dig deep to really know. AS my DB coach pointed out, A whole lot of LBSers, myself included, at some point simply want to be declared "right" and the WAS "wrong"...but it's not our job to "teach our spouses a lesson" or show them the consequences of their actions (outside of our own responses to them) b/c LIFE teaches them consequences.