So I saw the L today and I think she's the one for me. She ws very kind and she put me at ease even though I was feeling pretty upset. Her prices are mid-range and she can do either litigation, collaborative D, or assist me with mediation. Given the coparenting issues involved and our income, she recommended collaborative or mediation. In terms of what I'd be entitled to in a D, it varies quite a bit depending on my future income and on whether H could pull off joint custody, which would require him to take the kids 40+% of the time. He could probably do if it was his top priority. In terms of the future, a big factor would be how much is in his pension and whether there would be the option of H trading off some of his equity in this home to retain full access to his pension. Buying him out of this home would be quite expensive for me, and I really want my children to stay here because of the community and support that we have here. I didn't know it but the process is to have a legal separation first...divorce can't happen for a year (starting from Jan 3 2010 in my case) (unless one of us claimed adultery or abuse I believe in which case it could happen sooner).
I was clear that I want to reconcile and asked her if it ever happens in cases such as mine. She smiled and said yes. She recommended that H and I go to a psychologist who she refers to who specializes in children/family therapy/divorce/autism. She said that if I privately told the psychologist that I wanted to reconcile, she would work with that under the guise of working on a coparenting plan with H. The L recommended that I tell H that I've seen a L, and that the L recommended that we work with that psychologist on a coparenting plan because she has experience with autism. And the L also recommended that psychologist for IC for me in my sitch.
That was hard, but I guess it could have been worse. Like others have written, it's a relief to have it over with. It doesn't answer all of my questions, but it clarifies some things.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
rr, you're right that I need positive divorced mother role models. My new neighbour actually seems really OK with being separated, but she was the WAW (due to some kind of bad behaviour on her H's part) and had a lot of opportunity to work on things with her H until she was convinced that it wasn't going to work. S6's art therapist is a divorced mother...maybe she would be a good person to talk to.
And yes to the story that I'm telling myself about this. That's an area to work on.
June, I don't feel ready to post in infidelity. I don't have hard info and frankly the problem here is that H doesn't want to be married to me. There probably is an A, but if I had that info, I'm not really sure what I would do with it. I believe that H feels entitled to get into a sexual relationship now that we are separated. Just read what Juno's H emailed to her about what his lawyer said: basically it's expected that pursuing other relationships is fair game after separation or announcing intentions to D.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I left a message with the psychologist that the L recommended. I will try her for a session. It's good because a few of the sessions will be partially covered by H's health plan. I'm proud of taking the step to leave a message...that is the kind of thing that I tend to procrastinate about.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM, good job! and reward yourself for doing all you did today. I have a hard time doing this sort of stuff myself - interacting with people I don't know and then to talk about even more uncomfortable things.
I'm proud of you!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
"I feel angry at myself for trusting H, for putting myself in a position where he has the power to destroy my dream of raising our children in a happy, intact family -- that was my top life priority and I put all my eggs in that basket."
You are so good at putting into words what I too am feeling!!!
I am glad you like your L...sounds like she is on board with your way of thinking...thinking of you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Ditto what SR said! It's excellent that you made the call. I also want to compliment you on going to see the L today. As a chronic procrastinator myself, I know that it would have been easy to cancel/reschedule this appointment. I'm glad that you went.
From the way you described it, it sounds like the meeting with the L went well (as well as it could under the circumstances). It's such a wonderful feeling when you know you have someone on your side rooting for you. [Of course, some of that support comes with a price tag, but it will be well worth it to get the results you want or can at least live with.]
I am very proud of you! This is a scary thing and you faced it, got some much needed info and relief.
Sending you prayers and good wishes. In exchange, you can send me the same and just a touch of your strength! It is clear you have it in you. I am getting stronger every day. Maybe I'm not in a bad enough place to have to find my reserves. I know it's not easy, but you are doing great.
Ugh, FM, I'm SO sorry. I think I accidentally turned off my email notification for your thread and am just now catching up on like 3 pages. (((FM)))
Jeez, I don't even know where to start, but I agree with the folks who said try not to give V/OW any more space in your head. She and H don't deserve it, whether or not there is an A. It will only hurt you to dwell (easier said than done).
I'm also impressed and proud of you for seeing your L. Given all that you've mentioned about procrastination, this was huge for you. Now I need to get up that same courage. She sounds great (again, I know you don't want to be doing this, but if you have to have an L, she sounds good) and I like that she has an IC/MC she works with.
I'm also glad you have some info about financial stuff, etc. that she gave you- knowledge truly is power and we need to take some of that power back- there's an imbalance for a lot of us here.
I, too, am thinking D is probably a given in my sitch. It's hard to even stop and think whether I want H like he is anymore. We're so focused on whether they want us and trying to prevent them from Ding us, you know?
Thank you for all your support for me- you are an amazing woman and if H doesn't realize that and all you have to offer, well, he is missing out and making a huge mistake.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
fm, Been lurking and want to say that your resolve - and taking difficult, positive steps in getting info and exploring options is admirable. Often we are paralyzed or think we don't have the courage for certain things. But we do. It's there. We just have to summon it up. Good for you.
I am pulling and praying for you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
My BFF and her H really think I should sit H down and ask him what the plan is here. sigh
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
