How do I act?

[tbart01]

SV3, it sounds like you've been put on a roller coaster ride i don't want to go on. I'm sorry you got your hopes up just for them to get dashed.

It seems like your H was confused because he felt bad. Unfortunately it seems like his mind is made up about what he wants to do.

It probably sounds like the wrong thing for you do, but he almost needs to do his thing before he knows what he really wants. I'm afraid that if you don't move forward and let him do this you'll always be walking on eggshells.

I know things will work out for you in the end, and I know that you're sick of hearing that, because so am I. However, it's the truth as long as we let it be.

[Surviving03]

Yeah... I know tbart, as much as it stinks... i HAVE to let him go and let him figure this all out on his own... my presence is not helping our situation... it sucks, but I will be better for it no matter what ends up happening.

I really hate that he got my hopes all up and then took it all back less than 24 hours later, that was hurtful

My plans this weekend are to go to the beach with my girl friend, we are leaving tomorrow morning, not coming back til Sunday, and I am not even going to say a word to H, just pack up and leave in the morning. He is going to be really shocked at that... The weather says a possibility of rain, i really hope not. Its a beach off the Mediterranian, its really awesome, there are some great restaurants and shops out there.

[Surviving03]

Side note: I mentioned before that I want to go back to school to be a radiology technician... can anybody in the healthcare field shed some light on how they managed doing clinicals... I am so concerned about getting thru clinicals without a H to support me financially since I dont think I can work at the same time since its 40hrs a week?? How did other people do that?

[steady]

surviving, their emotions will move all over the place. He's confused and has no idea which way he wants to go - that's why he's waffling back and forth.

Go with the flow and act like everything is the same. Stop trying to figure it out. Life has a mind of its own.

When I have more time I'll try to address some of the things you wrote.

Remember - Control is an illusion.

[Glimmerman]

S03

You can call it quits if you want, that's your choice and I know it seems like he already has...sometimes...well, maybe not.

Anyway, I noticed something in your conversation with him. He came home and was talking (and in some ways probably thinking out loud) about what he wanted to do. Then, you said something like "Can't we....".

I'm not necessarily saying that's bad, but with a WAS, I think it's usually better to ask them more of what's on their mind instead of telling them what's on yours.

[Surviving03]

I do want to keep trying... I do I do I do.... I get side tracked sometimes because I feel like Im being forced to give up, But I want my H and I want my M.

We have the strangest conversations sometimes, we have been getting along great the last couple days, H even gave me a kiss out in a parking lot in front of a store today! that was crazy... I had some bad news to tell him today about his birth father that he didnt know (I found out that his father had died when he was 4 years old and all this time he had no idea where his father was, thought that he just wasnt coming around) so we kinda shared a moment with that

Sometimes H seems to have love for me, and sometimes it seems like its just kinda non existant... or like he forces himself not to feel it.

We talked a little yesterday about treating me leaving as more of a separation, and allowing H to go do this overseas thing or whatever he decides to do, and let him feel this out and just see where life brings us... but it kinda seems like its going to turn into an out of sight out of mind for him... he does seem much more relieved though now, like I am allowing him to go do what he wants and do it amicably (sp?)... which i am not sure is a good thing?? But i was thinking that if I just act like someone he might want to love and be married to from here on out, like be loving and fun and caring... then when I do leave he might be like wait a minute, I want that back....?? I dont know guys... I am not sure how to be...

My mom keeps trying to fill my head with ideas about why I need to move on, she tries to pick out events now where she feels that it seemed H acted unloving towards me.. .like our wedding reception, I was kinda tipsy and out on the dance floor ALOT and without H for most of it, which didnt bother me at all at the time cause I was having a good time with my friends, but she was saying it seemed off that H was hanging out with his buddies instead of being on the dance floor with his W... I dont know, I dont want to start trying to find stuff like that to reflect on...

[Glimmerman]

Maybe you have said it in a previous post, but is he wanting out of the military more sooner than later? And what is this talk regarding Afghanistan?

[nicole8]

Surviving. Don't listen or let other people make decisions for you. Do what you want and for your own reasons. No one, even family knows what they would do in your given situation. Only you can know! Besides every m is different and unique between you and your now waffling, indecisive, foggy h.

I'm on the same ride and sm actually really embarrased for my h and his actions.... But I do still love him, even I can't believe it.

[Surviving03]

Glimmerman... The thing with afghanistan is this: H is an air traffic controller in the military, he has one year left of his enlistment and he has always talked about going contract overseas for a year while waiting to get picked up by the FAA... but while he was deployed this last time (and still in love with me) he told me he no longer wanted to do that, he didnt want to be away from me like that again.... BUT now that he wants a D that idea is back on the table and he is determined to do it since the pay is upwards of $100,000/yr... He has now found out that he qualifies for early separation from the military which would have him out of the military this coming August, so he is really interested in that and going straight to afghanistan afterwards... which I felt gives up little to no time for a reconciliation, and it wasnt something I was ever ok with before

Nicole.. I know that I have to ignore my friends and families advice against my H.. I really wish I hadnt shared so much info with them during this whole things, but I felt so alone and im so isolated over on this overseas base, it was all i could do to stay sane, was to reach out

How do you guys think I should act towards H... am I doing the right thing by acting like I am ok with him going out and figuring this thing out and still acting loving and caring? Or do I need to be more like I am moving on with or without you?

[Surviving03]

WOW.. I came across this from mb28 on Flowmom's thread:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition
(or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant
to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find
what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you
deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like
he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat
you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers
you, speak up. Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's
behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even
if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a
quasi-God.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two
way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not
supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are,
and your always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never cosign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another
rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a
minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to
love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.