Looking for help with WAW

[james217]

Way to go, man!!

Think of this as a small start, but a great start. You did the right thing after asking her if she wanted you to list the house. She said no, so you agreed and moved on.

This may be a little hard for you to hear, but since I'm in cyberspace I can say it....I doubt that she completely trusts you right now when it comes to financial matters. It's better for you to have another realtor handle this and of course, more importantly, it's what SHE wanted.

You don't need to share this with her yet, but make some goals for yourself. Start a savings account if you don't have one, start getting your debts paid off if you have any. Be consistent with your employment. I said this in another forum, but most wives want financial security. You don't have to get wealthy, but they want to FEEL comfortable in that their husband will protect the nest financially. It will take a while.

If I were you, I'd write your thoughts on paper and just hang on to them for at least a few days. One mistake I think I made was asking her on a date when I thought things were going well. Ooops, she said no. It was hard for me to learn patience, so let me encourage you in that way. I thought since my wife and I had such a great discussion that everything was now OK, but it's not yet.

Love her. Trust her. Understand HER point of view, which is that she was fed up enough with what has been going on for years that she WANTED out.

If you do find out she's got OM, the only thing I can say is cross that bridge when/if you come to it. Hopefully you won't.

glimmer where is your sitch located? i would like to read through it

[Glimmerman]

It's in newcomers.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8,

Sounds like your hard work is paying off, keep it up. That's funny how she kinda followed you around the gym the other night.

Have you read the story here about the picnic and castle?
I think this is fitting to the other night.

On another thought, your post about God sending you a sign.

On my way to work this morning three songs came on my Ipod in a row. They were:

Heart of the Matter - Don Henley
Don't Stop Believing - Journey
She's not the cheatin kind - Brooks and Dunn.

I thought this was ironic.
God works in Mysterious Ways.

MAybe if my ride was longer Mysterious Ways by U2 would have come on. LOL

Good job.

[james217]

hey mza just checking on u how is everytihng going

[mza8]

Gr8, I searched for the picnic and castle story but can't find it. Can you point me in the right direction?

Funny that you mentioned about the songs on the radio. When I got in my car on the way to church last Sunday, the song Patience by G'n'R was playing. I have heard that song so many times on the radio lately when I'm driving. Weird.

Update on my sitch. Things seem to be going well. I haven't posted in the past couple of days because I've been working really hard to finish the house work. I wanted to surprise my W and tell her we could put it on the market this weekend. Finshed up last night. Still have a few small things left but I can finish them anytime. I left my W a voice mail last night that the work is finished and we could put it for sale this weekend. She also emailed me yesterday to ask me a question regarding the house. The house cleaners also came by yesterday.

This morning my called me on her way to work. She had let the carpet cleaners in the house this morning. She wanted to tell me how nice the house looked and that I did a great job. She was very nice and complimentary. We talked about the house cleaners that came out yesterday. She didn't think they did a very good job and asked me what I thought. I said they did ok...they really didn't do a very good job. My W wasn't happy with their work and asked me if she should call them to complain. I told my W not to worry about it and that I would do some cleaning myself and take care of it. Since she had chosen the house cleaner I didn't want her to feel bad that they didn't do the best job. I thanked her again for scheduling them. She apologized for them not doing so good. I reiterated that they did fine and it wasn't a big deal. I agreed with my W that it was a lot of work and she was right that we needed someone else to do it instead of my W. She was happy to hear that.

We talked about the house. I told her that I wanted to get the work done so we could list the house this weekend. I told her that I knew it was important to her to list it this weekend, so I wanted to finish the work and make it happen for her. She thanked me, she seemed very sincere. We talked about the price for the house. She asked me again what I thought we should list if for. I told her that I think we should ask a bit higher price and she agreed. We talked about doing some more work on the house this weekend. She is coming over one day this weekend to plant flowers. I will be doing a few more things to polish things up too. W also told me that she dropped off her info to our accountant for our taxes. We talked for the entire time she was driving to work...about 30 minutes. She seemed very interested in the conversation, asked me my opinion several times and was definitely interested in what I had to say. I think I'm getting some respect back.

Again, another very good conversation. Very friendly, very relaxed, she laughed a few times. Just like our last talk, if you didn't know we were separated, you would have never been able to tell from this conversation. We talked just like nothing was wrong...very normal. It appears that she is definitely becoming more comfortable. I wished her a good day and she wished me a good day back. The way she said to have a good day seemed like more than just words. I don't know exactly how to describe it but it sounded almost "loving"...I think that would best describe it. She said she will call me later today after she talks to the realotr and will also call me this weekend about some other things with the house. I know selling the house has really lifted a huge weight from her shoulders. I hope this leads to us eventually working on us.

I continue to see positives. She is calling me. She is much more relaxed. She is interested in me again. It seems like she wants to please me with some things. We haven't had any more R talks but she hasn't brought up D or anything related in months. I think I am doing ok. My goal is to continue to do things for me and keep the momentum going in the right direction with my W. So far so good.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8
Great job this week. I know you were busy with the house and that's why you weren't around. Sounds like things are improving for you. Keep it up. I know you wanted to keep the house but maybe a fresh start in a new home is what you both need. I think about starting fresh all the time.

I was backsliding yesterday but I am doing better today. Especially after reading your last paragragh and saying:

We haven't had any more R talks but she hasn't brought up D or anything related in months

It's been a few weeks since your talk about the mediator so I'm going to let the sleeping dog lie.

I found this story early on in my journey here. It helped me to get to where I am now.

PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.

If you have a chance check out my updates. thanks.
TTYS, gr8

[mza8]

gr8, thanks for the story. It makes a lot of sense. Maybe my W is starting to look over the castle walls.

Yes, not an easy decision to sell the house but it is the right decision. I have noticed a huge difference in my W since I agreed to sell it. I know it was a huge stress for her. My M means more to me though than any house.

I'll definitely check in later on your thread. Should have time later today. Glad that you are better today. We all have those backsliding days. We're in good shape as long as we get back on track the next day. Sounds like you are doing well today.

Talk to you later.

[Glimmerman]

mza8

I like hearing how your house is even in a small way bringing the two of you together right to to COMMUNICATE.

I think you were finally able to put the house in perspective. There are never any guarantees, but I think your wife feels less burdened, and you sound like you are now just fine with letting the house go.

I also like the picnic/castle story as a reminder to MYSELF. As much as I want to work on things right now (since I have a divorce in process!), I have to let her be the one who is ready to talk about it. We have communicated a couple of times this week just about some routine things, but nothing about the R. I dish out this advice all the time, and now I get to hear the word again from myself FOR myself....patience.

[james217]

gr8, thanks for the story. It makes a lot of sense. Maybe my W is starting to look over the castle walls.

Yes, not an easy decision to sell the house but it is the right decision. I have noticed a huge difference in my W since I agreed to sell it. I know it was a huge stress for her. My M means more to me though than any house.

I'll definitely check in later on your thread. Should have time later today. Glad that you are better today. We all have those backsliding days. We're in good shape as long as we get back on track the next day. Sounds like you are doing well today.

Talk to you later.

you're doing great mza. i'm very proud of you dude. hang in there. and glimmer that picnic analogy great. I still cannot find your sitch glimmer what's the name of it.

[mza8]

GM, thanks. Selling the house really has opened up very, very positive communication with my W. I am seizing this opportunity to show her the changed me. I am listening to her, valuing her, thanking her for her efforts, etc. I can see things improving. I agree that selling the house has lifted that burden for my W.

What's new with you and your sitch GM? Keep strong with the patience. You really seem to have a great understanding of what to do to help the sitch with your W. I would say to continue more of the same.

Thanks james. I'll check in with you sitch later.

Here's a link to Glimmerman's thread.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...167#Post1974167

You can click on the person's name and then click Watched Topics to see their posts.