Question

[Lucky11too]

He needs to go to rehab to get help for himself, but I am worried he also is doing this so he can have a better relationship with OW and I will have waited for no reason.

This was always a concern of mine too with my H, but people quickly reminded me that it was not all about me. If H could get help and be a better dad and role model, that even if we don't work out, it still wasn't a waste of my time. That's why i continue to encourage his progress and support him in the hopes we can reconcile, but also knowing that if not, I am still doing something to help better S's life. Something to keep in mind if you start to feel resentful about it.

Overall, really great talk. It sounds like you were both able to get your feelings out in an open and loving way. Hoping for more good progress! It will be interesting to find out how his abusive spouse talk goes this weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow. You've had an interesting few days.

The pneumonia thing. He flat out should have dropped everything to be there.

The sexual relationship. I don't know for a fact but believe W was assaulted in her teens. She also was promiscuous before me because she felt she didn't have the personality to keep a guy so she'd put out. Then they'd dump her.

So she had major issues and rarely if ever really let go -- I could tell when she was letting her defenses down. Those were some great nights.

But when she'd go cold, I'd withdraw emotionally and it was just a big vicious circle. Sound familiar?

That can be overcome if OW ever gets out of the way.

The conversation. You gave him a chance. He has to give you a reason to stick around. I hope he does. You sound like someone worth fighting for.

Oh, I noticed the crying over the baby boy. That's tough. A coworker who sits in front of me is pregnant. I'm very happy for her, but it reminds me of when we had D11 and D7. I have the pictures of W's face after D7 was born. Pure, utter happiness. That was 2002. In 2003, she mentioned D for the first time.

I'm glad your S is feeling better.

[awest1217]

I am so exhausted. Hopefully I can get to sleep early tonight. I really need to get through whatever this is quickly because work is back in a few days. I took a nap today with S and want to go to bed soon since I am already tired. I think the extreme exhaustion is from a few things; S not sleeping so me not sleeping the beginning of the week, my body fighting off the sickness probably as well, me not eating well this week because I just grab bites between taking care of S or doing stuff, me being sad. I should be feeling better soon...

Today is my nephew's first birthday and tomorrow is the party so that is exciting. I love that little guy! S and him are getting to be good friends so that is so fun. It does bring back some, but only few, bad memories because when I wanted to go to the hospital to be with my brother and sister-in-law, I called H to watch S for me. He said he couldn't so I went off on him about why because it was the first week he was gone and he hadn't seen S at all. He was in Chicago with OW...

I really am doing better with it not bothering me. I just felt like there was a sliver of hope this week and opened up ever so slightly which I shouldn't have done. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! S and I were the first ones to see my little nephew so that was special and S has been all about him ever since so it is exciting to celebrate this special occasion. Tonight we went to a local ice cream place to get dinner to celebrate so all is good...just tired.

On the baby note, I am seriously considering getting a puppy to curb my need for a baby. Thoughts?

[ClingingToHope]

I hope you are having a good day. A puppy is a good idea, but it is a major financial and time commitment. Are you in a good place for that right now?

My girls want me eventually to get a house so I could get a puppy. I'll probably have to rent and would have to find one that allows pets. Sooooo complicated.

I feel for you. The fact you always have S is a great thing, but it seems like it also doesn't allow you to get out much on your own to rinse H from your thoughts.

Anything you can do to change that?

[awest1217]

I am not going to get a puppy, although I am sure i could afford it, I am not going to do that right now especially because I want to make sure I have plenty to get a divorce. I have been in a funk the last few days. H always does that to me. He comes into my life for a day or two and makes me think there is hope and then nothing. No contact at all. I am sure he will send some stupid text tomorrow morning. URGH!

I have printed off some pics of S or of S and I to cover up some of the pics of H and I. I am still leaving the full family picture, but our engagement pics are covered and I am going to work on covering the wedding pics next. H has made it very clear he isn't going to try to fight for me so I might as well start now. I have a collage of wedding pics I need to figure out how to cover up...they all have the same theme so I need a new theme.

I am always with S, and I can't change that. Once in a while I get a few hours to myself, but the problem is that all of my friends are married with kids S's age (and their 2nd's on the way ) so if I go out it is usually with them and although it is nice, I don't get to wash H from my thoughts. It is bad right now because of seeing him and the way he acted on Easter. I was stupid enough to fall right into it again. I have got to get stronger. It was huge that I told him I am planning on Ding because I don't really want to and I hate to hurt him and do that without being mad, but that is it. I just hate this whole thing. I don't understand why he can't come home and make us work. I have changed in every way he asked because they were negative qualities not for him, but he still won't come home. I even told him how I don't think it is fair that he gets to see S for visitation when he has shown no interest and hasn't helped with S at all for a year, unless it was convenient for him, and he didn't say anything. It would be so much better if H and I just get back together. It is better for everyone because days like yesterday, it was supposed to be H's weekend, we would have had to make arrangements for S to go to my nephew's party or S would have had to miss out. That isn't fair to him. Same with other family gatherings. S enjoys being with the family and my family gets together a lot, he is going to feel bad missing out because he has to go to dad's. None of this is fair. Staying in limbo isn't fair, D isn't fair, to H getting back together isn't fair to him so as always I am the one who has to sacrifice, unless I decide to be nasty and say he gets less visitation, but I hate being unfair so it ends up being unfair to me. Never fair.

I know a lot of whining...hopefully this funk will be over soon, but it is normal for this time for year. I usually get funky around my b-day because b-days were never special at my house growing up, and to me they should be special, which is why I always do something big for S (party and on his b-day out to eat). Then mother's day is coming and my mom is going to be out of town with my other sibs in TN so I get to spend mother's day alone, which after last year...not going to be fun...I got absolutely nothing for mother's day. Lots of Funk!

[Kalni]

Good, dont a get puppy now. Leave for later when your life will be more settled.

Regarding parties etc, I had made a deal with H that if something was up with my side of family and friends on his weekends, we would switch or I would get the kids for a cuopleof hours or more.

Things are still unclear now, once you get a stabile schedule you can work toegther with S's best interest in mind. You just have to hve time alone for you my dear, dont neglect that.
Hugs
K

A funk is a funk but it passes...

[awest1217]

Thanks! The thing is that until there is a divorce H won't step up and have a consistent schedule with S. He hasn't even checked up on S since Friday. S had pneumonia and you don't call to see how he is doing!

Anyway...I do have me time, it just isn't really going out. I don't have the money or time to just go out by myself and as I said before, all of my friends are married with children S's age. We do go out together just us girls about once a month (lately we all have been busy so it hasn't happened in a while), but it still reminds me of the fact that I am not married anymore. I am single, and no one else in my group is, but I still have fun.

I am back at work and very tired. With S being sick, we had very strange sleeping schedule this spring break so I am exhausted today, but tonight I will be able to get to sleep earlier and things will be good.

I was looking at pics of myself last year and can't believe how much weight I have lost since last year at this time. Actually I lost most of the weight between Mother's day and 4th of July...not good. I feel much better now. I have gained about 3 pounds back, which isn't much, but is helpful. I need to really watch myself this summer because I already can feel myself losing weight again because I get busy around the house and get S something to eat, but don't feed myself because I am busy. I can't do that this year. The house looks great. I am actually starting to landscape because I have been able to get things done earlier so that is really nice. I get to plant flowers and many other things, which I usually never get to because I don't get to removing the old dead stuff from winter until late May. I am excited for how my house looks and feels to me.

Now on to a new work week. It is supposed to be nice here all week until the weekend so hopefully a lot of being outside with S.

[Lucky11too]

I agree too about the wait on the puppy idea. I got two the past couple of years and now after comparing it with have a baby, it's almost just as much work (in the begining). If you do decide to get one in the next couple of years, although puppies are super cute, you may want to try to get a slightly older one, b/c as a single mom, you may not have that time to commit while taking care of S on your own. But they sure do bring great companionship!

When I read that about H not calling to check up on S, I was pretty shocked. Pneumonia is major and especially after his supposed remorse for not being there at the drs with you for that, you would have thought he would have at least checked in. Just to confirm that it's not just him being a big jerk, is he restricted from using his phone on the weekends when he is doing his rehab (does just go for an hour or so for a talk or is it a whole weekend program?)

Well, just continue to do what you can for you. I know how tough it is with S full time. Just try to do as you suggested to me to make sure to take some time to yourself to unwind, read a book, etc. And great job on the house. It's nice to have pride in your work and I'm sure it looks great! =)

[awest1217]

I am not sure, but H text me on Friday and he was there so I am pretty sure he can text while he is there. Even then, he could have text me last night on his way home to ask how S was doing. There is really no excuses anymore. Either he wants to be a full time father or not. He doesn't get to sometimes be a dad, which is the only thing that scares me about the D because he has never consistently seen S so I am very scared about him canceling or trying to always switch because he is busy and that is not how it works.

Work is going well. I am tired, but the beautiful sunshine is keeping me going. The next 4 weeks here is busy so hopefully that will make them go by quickly. Then 3 more weeks and it is summer vacation. I have to switch rooms and set things up in my new room, but I am still very excited to have a break and we will see then where things are at and probably be filing which is so hard. I finally told him I wanted to file and now it is just actually doing it. I so don't want to end my M, but I don't have any other options. I just feel deep down like H is sitting somewhere thinking "I won" because I am the one who is gonig to file so I am the "bad guy".

Oh well...two more classes then I get to go enjoy this beautiful day!

[ClingingToHope]

I have changed in every way he asked because they were negative qualities not for him, but he still won't come home.

Good for you. The changes hopefully will help on the next person. I think a lot of what he said about you was just an excuse anyway to cover up his own behavior.

You friends with kids are a perfect baby sitting opportunity if you can build a new group of friends. As a teacher, there should be some younger unattached teachers to do something with.

You just have to force yourself to ask what others are doing. My biggest thing was I didn't want to be some creepy older guy hanging out by myself. At first I started hanging out with the younger crowd at work. That was a little weird since many of them have steady girlfriends and here I am, newly single. But to me it was just getting a chance to get out.

Since, I've found a former co-worker who likes to go out -- almost too much -- I've done a couple things with a commercial Realtor I know and another one of my long-time friends is going through a divorce and trying to set up his weekends to coincide with mine.

It still sucks because at this point in life I'd rather be focusing on paying off the house and saving for D11's and D7's college than what am I going to do in two weekends.

One thing is I still keep singing this tune to myself -- Something good is gonna happen to me.
Something great is gonna happen to me.
And I won't cry anymore.

The last line is a little sappy. I haven't cried in a while. I just get anxiety attacks now and sad reminisces.