"All rise"

[25yearsmlc]

I'm so NOT into giving HER the passports but maybe it's my training to be paranoid and distrustful...or maybe it's her being a nut case. Which is why I'd choose to be there but if not, if you know you can't be in the same room as her, make sure you have given enough info to the kids esp the boy for now, that he KNOWS...btw, don't assume that d7 wants to stay with mom. I believe strongly that she is feeling (or will soon) that you are choosing NOT to hang with her or that you don't miss her the way you miss your son. I say this from experience Frank as my d's took h's departure much harder in the long run. Trust issues with men prevail. d21 breaks up at the drop of a hat with boys who barely make mistakes and she is PICKY as hell. Yes she's a beauty but it is not selfishness that stops her; it's distrust of men. She also said to me "why should I get married? Women give up way more than men..." and this kills me... They still resent h at times and are less patient with h when he is strict, or "chore driven", etc. He feels sad these days due to his mother's recent death, and I'm glad to say the kids HAVE been there for him - but not like they would be for me and mine. It's b/c he left, and I fear that in some ways, your kids will feel you left too, depending on how your stbxw's words go. (Loved Kerry's description of her that included the word "batchitt" --MUST adopt that term)

But our d's felt rejected partly on my behalf (your d's identifying with stbxw??) and partly b/c he left the home. D16 (now d21) said at the time "Guess dad doesn't want to be part of my life b/c he's gone to a job..." etc and until mil's funeral 2 weeks ago, when our d spoke about not knowing his mother well but trying to now, after the fact, h did not realize how little his family of origin knows his own kids. I finally answered him and said "did you know your family did not call once while you were gone, unless you were here--then they called YOU...." and this amazed him and then, I think, it shamed him. He's a lucky man to have this family here with him still.

FOIB-All I am saying Frank, is be careful of your tender d's heart. Your boy "gets" you; she may not. Yet. That will be up to you and you will have to try harder with her. But maybe all dads do...your task will be harder if your batchitt stbxw is still in her present state of BPD crazy nut status.

Your stbxw will probably mention that YOU filed so there's also that.....(I bet you she does at some point)...And Your d sees you bond with your son while hesitating to show her affection thanks to batchitt stbxw polluting things. That will improve soon thank GOD.....but your d also sees you playing catch with your son. (Hey, I played softball and your d can tool)

Make sure you do some one on one thing with her too OR teach her to play ball together. Heck, I got some college paid for thanks to my brother's teaching me to play ball (truth be told- they only taught me to play so I could retrieve balls that went into the sewer, but all in all, it was worth it).

FC told me at the time, to stress to the kids what would still remain the same--e.g., seeing their friends will still happen and even if less often, still will happen some, to make specific plans with times and dates and to KEEP those times and dates, AND they'll also make new friends and start over if they're in that mood. And they'll remain in the same school?? IF so, stress that.If not, stress that they won't keep having to move after this move...(unless it's not true...do not make promises you can't keep--please remember that).

They'll still see your side of the family (make sure that happens and have lots of cousins their age around especially early on--seriously, the more connected they feel to your non crazy family, the better).

Frequently Mention the activities you'll be doing with them and begin planning together with BOTH kids around and involved -what trips or activities you will take/do together. Get a map out or offer them 3 choices and let THEM research it and decide which one, and basically show them that they DO have SOME control in their little lives....not all is vaporizing. Not everything is beyond their power....and that you (and what's her name-batthcik chick?) will always love them.
(sigh)
J-