hugs RW. There are a lot of feelings to process there and it's going to take time. I recovered from H having an affair before we were M so I can relate to those feelings, but I just want to remind you that H is the one who betrayed you. You can get caught up in thoughts of the OW because it doesn't feel safe to have that anger at your H, who you are reconciling with. But the anger at the OW puts you in a stuck place because you don't really have a R with her, it's H who you have a R with. Sorry if this is not a helpful line of thinking...
Hi Flo, You make a very good point, and I have thought of that. I do think a good part of the anger I have towards her is "misplaced" and really does belong with H. But, piecing makes it hard to let that all be directed at him. It is helpful and I appreciate it. I have talked with my IC about this, and she feels I will find ways to process more of the anger at H in time. I'm sure that is true. I actually do feel that happening to some extent. Sometimes it even worries me, because when I let myself really get in touch with it, I am sometimes not sure I will be able to fully forgive.
I always thought before this crisis, that my H cheating on me would be a dealbreaker. If I would think about that possibility, I would not imagine being able to live through the pain and devestation of something like that, and I always thought that would be it. Now that the unthinkable actually happened, with the kids, and on-going conversations with H about it all... it's not that simple.
But there is still a part of me that is not entirely sure that, ultimately, it isn't a deal breaker. It still might be. The jury's still out.
Anyway... had an unbelievably stressful day at work today, so much so that my boss sent me home early. Last thing I needed. I can feel some physical responses to the stress that I was having right after the PA bomb in November. So, I am just trying to breathe and ground myself in the moment.
