Nicole, I have been there. I have felt like a doormat and even now at times think I am being far too nice, but H is finally coming around to getting himself some help. I still do not believe that we are ever going to reconcile because he is still talking to OW non-stop, but at least he is getting help.
I say that to let you know that you really do need to detach and just be ok with things not working. If you talk to him or not may force him to make a decision, but from my experience, it will just make him more desperate. The desperation can at least lead him to counseling hopefully, but when it comes to you and your M, you need to be ok with the fact that it may not work out and that is his choice. You have let him know that you want this to work, but you can't control him or change his mind. Staying dark is not going to force his hand. That is why the rest of DB is so powerful. When you do talk to H, you need to be happy and pleasant, desirable. You will be showing him through actions that you want him back and not words, but you also need to get to a point that if that doesn't work, oh well. You deserve to be treated better, and if H doesn't want you then that is ok. That is the other part of DB. Getting back your life and not letting H control it anymore.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
The h has said that if I was mad at him it would make it easier for him. He thinks I will be vindictive if he files for d. I told him that if he needs to file then he should but I wasn't going to be vindictive because that is not the type of person I am. He should know that but he is just looking for excuses.
I decided if he asks me about "us" I am going to tell him:
that time will tell what is going to happen to us, I do want our m to work but I cannot wait my whole life for him and that he needs to make decision for himself that are what he wants in his life.
This might be a rough draft
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
The way to show that is whenever he calls, don't pick it up. Text him back a few days later and say you were too busy between work and hanging out and going out with friends. Keep that up for a month and GAL and live your "only time will tell" attitude.
Agreed.
Hugs to you. I know what it's like to be in limbo..
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I have more in the last hour or two come to the conclusion that I really am just embarassed for my h. His actions and way he has been handling himself are just plain embarassing. I wish his actions were not such a secret so that people would know and see what he is doing and maybe then he would be embarassed for himself...... Kind of don't think he realizes how low he has sunk and that he has regressed back to high school.
Enough about the immature high schooler that I am actually married to. Enough talk about his immature, distasteful life he has created over at his moms.
I'm off to a massage!
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
The h seems to be checking in with me more in the last two days. I've given up all pursuing/contact initiated by me. He always contacts via text and seems to get rather impatient if I don't respond quickly. Interesting that this rule only applies to him. Regardless, I am just sitting back doing my own thing and knowing that h can't control what stupid immature choices he might be making.
I've been reading "his needs,her needs". Great book so far. I really can see how my m could be better if and when my h decides to come home.... Lots of honest truth between men and women in this book.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
That sounds like an interesting book. Thanks for recommending it.
I hear what you're sayng about embarrassment and distastefulness. That's a tough one and I can certainly see why you would feel that way.
Good for you on not initiating. If he has time to initiate calls to others, he can do the same for you. I also have experienced the texting rule only applying one way. You might be able to get some correction on that by openly and pleasantly saying in a few weeks that you only respond directly to those who respond directly to you and leave it at that. You're not angry. It's just a fact of how friendships work. It's not tit for tat, it's I go out of my way to be punctual for those that go out of their way to be punctual for me. Reciprocity. Not cake eating.
Did you read that "Bitch" book FlowMom recommends? It's pretty interesting on the topic of how we allow others to treat us and gives some good ideas on how not to get sucked into following every rule your H sets up for you or hoop he wants you to jump through while he jumps through NONE.
I need help....I want to write/email the ow that my husband is infactuated with. I want to write her simply explaining that she is a third person in my m and that she is leading my h on. That the way he is treating me will happen to her because affairs don't last. Yadda yadda yadda.
I want this to be something to maybe make her second guess her morals and why she is involved with a married man and that "yes" he has been deceiving her.
Any thoughts on what I should say exactly. I don't want to lecture or come across mean but simply lay it out....
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I need help....I want to write/email the ow that my husband is infactuated with. I want to write her simply explaining that she is a third person in my m and that she is leading my h on. That the way he is treating me will happen to her because affairs don't last. Yadda yadda yadda.
Don't bother trying to contact the OW. It will serve no benefit and will only make matters worse.
If you must write it to get the emotions out of your system, write it and then toss it away or shred it.
Originally Posted By: nicole8
I want this to be something to maybe make her second guess her morals and why she is involved with a married man and that "yes" he has been deceiving her.
Do you honestly think that she doesn't understand what she is doing to you or your marriage? Trust me, you are wasting your time trying to convince her of the error of her ways.
And even if there was someone who could do that, that person is not you. You're the left-behind spouse! You'll be lucky if she actually reads it...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
