How do I expose the affair

[jasper67]

(())-
I cannot tell you what to do, I know you've been doing NC or LC...is there a way to see things through w/o any contact atall?

I know everyone has to get to the point where they know they cannot go any further...the only person who knows where that it is you.

I have no 2x4's except maybe even discussing the D.

Your list above is pretty well thought out...I support you either way

[4luv]

Mb28,

only you know when you want to move forward. Also, I think you did all of what you had to do in the first few months. You exposed, you stood for your marriage, and you acted with dignity. I don't know what more there is to do. Hugs all around. I am NC at the moment. Haven't spoken to my husband in 4 days except for one email which i sent that said "I am working."

[mb28]

Thank you both. The contact has been frequent and mostly in person, but mostly about the kids. However, in about 2 weeks when I move back into the house and he moves into his apt there will be very little contact at all and only a face to face one every other Sunday to exhange the kids. All other nights he has the kids he will either be picking them up from his moms or daycare and drop them off at the same places.

When I do see him, he just looks at me with so much hate in his eyes. And most of the time he can't seem to even stand to look at me. And when he talks to me, it's with a very cold/stone voice. This is another reason I think D is the best option right now. Plus he is willing to pay for it. I've read the D papers he had written up and he is pretty much giving me everything. So before he finds out about my raise, I think it's in my best interest to get out now.

I still have some hope that he'll change his mind before it's final, but I'm ok if that doesn't happen. I know right now he doesn't miss me, 1 because he is with OW and 2 he sees me very often.

[mb28]

Just posting to let everyone know that I'm doing good. I'm still having my down moments, and dream about me and H working it out. However, I'm starting to imagine a future without him, and it's not all dark.

I called him yesterday and asked if he would have time to go over the D paper with me tonight. He seemed very shocked, but agreed. Then I seen him for a few minutes last night and I could feel him looking at me with a wondering what's changed in me look.

This is what I plan on telling him tonight:
"You know this is NOT what I want. And I whole heartly believe that if we worked together we could rebuild our realtionship. However, I know this is what you want and I realized I love you enough to give you this"

[4luv]

I think that is a good thing to say. Don't add anymore to it than what you wrote here. I like that you get to say your peace about the D for the last time while at the same time showing your unconditional love for husband as his wife.

BTW, I am having some down moments as well. Yesterday was not good. Today seems better. Tomorrow will be better :-)

[mb28]

A friend sent me these so I thought I would share. Sorry to all the men, but I think it applies to you guys as well:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition
(or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant
to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find
what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you
deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like
he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat
you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers
you, speak up. Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's
behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even
if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a
quasi-God.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two
way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not
supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are,
and your always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never cosign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another
rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a
minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to
love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.


"When I do good, I feel good;
when I do bad, I feel bad,
and that is my religion."
- Abraham Lincoln

"What hurts more than losing you,
is knowing you're not fighting to keep me."
- Anonymous
________________________________________

[mb28]

Went over D paper with H last night. They are pretty simple and we aren't fighting over anything. I held my emotions back and said what I wanted too. Telling him that this is not what I want etc. He didn't seem to be listening at all. He was more shocked about the credit card bills, he had no idea how much there was. The rest of the night he just complained about his finances, and worried about how he was going to do it. I honestly don't think he has ever really thought a D through.

When he left I broke down. I just have a hard with his coldness after 17 years, how can someone just detach that easily. I don't get it. The rejection from him is the worst.

[WhatNow]

I am sorry things are so tough for you these days.

I found a site that made me feel better about my WH's selfishness, hostility, etc. Their suggestions for dealing with him are not that different from here, but there is more detailed explanations of MLC/affair behavior. It is called midlife crisis marriage advocate com. His coldness is all about him, (isn't everything?) and nothing about you or his feelings for you. He sounds like a teenager who is totally self-absorbed and is not capable of thinking or empathizing with others. Their idea is the person goes into a MLC and usually becomes addicted to an affair among other things.

[flowmom]

I hear you mb. H and I have been together for 17 years as well and the rejection is so painful. It sounds like your meeting popped a bubble for your H regarding how easy it would be to live "happily ever after".

I really recommend this book...it will put into words everything you are going through:

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287

[mb28]

WhatNow - thank you for the website info. I haven't had a lot of time to read it yet, but what I have has helped to understand my H. I always thought that this was maybe a MLC, and I'm starting to be convinced that is what it is.

Flowmom - Thank you for the book info, I love reading, so I will get it. I have one that I want to recommend to you. It's called "Falling apart in one piece, one optimist's journey through the hell of divorce" I just started reading it and I really like what I've read so far. Even though her marraige did not work out, she really explains all those initial emotions and trying to save her marriage.

I'm doing ok today. My D will be turning 10 tomorrow and we are having a party for her today, so I will be real busy. My H is out of town at a Nascar race, which I was supposed to go with him. I have been wondering the last couple of days who he took with him. And also mad that he is probably having so much fun without a care in the world.