My D text him and said, "daddy where are you?" he said, "at work" he wasn't. You'd think after being gone so much he'd come home one day early - even for the kids but he doesn't.
While I avoid lying, I found that sometimes I had been omitting key details & going home because I couldn't/can't face an argument or angry look from my W. My IC said yesterday that avoiding someone to avoid being mean/abusive is better than acting out in ways that might hurt her. He may have much more devious reasons, but I have a belief that it is best to begin by making excuses so when a confrontation occurs it does not get out of hand.
I had a great time with kids and best friend at baseball game last night even though we lost.
The soon to be X husband came home at 5am! never in our married lives has he not come home at night.
I talked to him this morning and he just put his hand up to me like he's not hearing it. I said, "oh no you are listening to me" now this isn't about me anymore the kids are very upset at you never coming home or calling. He was very condescending and acting like he's done nothing wrong.
He is sitting here at the end of the table on his work laptop (which he never does) and he is having coffee and talking matter of fact sh*t. what??
If I would have remembered we have a 24hr Home Depot I would have changed the locks last night but I didn't get home until 11. I really wish I could have. It seems nothing goes right for me.
This stranger in my house needs to leave.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
when you don't steer the boat, the current carries you & you may not like where it goes, right or not. Put your paddle in the water & steer the boat. Make some choices, take your power back.
Originally Posted By: luvless
This stranger in my house needs to leave.
You are smart woman, how can you make that happen? You can handle this. Peace Bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 04/10/1009:30 PM. Reason: damn quote boxes
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I said, "oh no you are listening to me" now this isn't about me anymore the kids are very upset at you never coming home or calling.
Did he? If you are on the way to a divorce and he THINKS (not knows) that you will never forgive him or love him again (or he doesn't want you to), then why would he care when he came home? I guess it matters if you share a bed still or if he is loud and woke you up.
The month that I was dealing with my new ADHD diagnosis, I stayed out till 5. Now, I understand why she was so angry. Back then, I had no clue. Her response was a reaction, I reacted back. I can apolgize now, damage already done, but it has taken me many years to get there.
For my own issues, I'm seeing a doc & reading a book as directed by my IC, "Facing the Shadows". I don't know how you present something like this to your H, but a 3rd affair seems like he has some committment issues and more. The part I think relates to him most about what I'm reading is the part about how secrets affect both me and my Rs. If you could do it or you felt it appropriate, you could offer the book to him, but my guess is that he'll think you're shaming him.
I really want to stress that I get the problem I caused in my M and how I hurt my W now. I didn't get it then. All I saw back then is what your H *may* be seeing...someone who is very angry at him the person, not his actions and lots of shame. If it makes sense, a OW may make him feel strong, confident, and handsome while at home he may feel shame and inadequacy. I'm sure he feels the guilt, too. It is too bad for him that he can't feel only the guilt so he'd realize he's got a very loving, but hurt, W at home.
Clearly, you want him gone and unless he meets some conditions and becomes the H you want, you will pursue a D. I can't guarantee I will be able to work out all the probs in my M, either, and may be heading that way, too. I know that if I have that goal in mind, my actions and words will show it. My wife and your H will feel it. They will not be able to get the motivation to change, nor to understand the pain they caused.
While my probs are my own, my W said that she had known about this M deal-breaker for all 11 yrs. I asked her why she didn't tell me, because our M was filled with so many days that (now) I know were realted to my prob. That anger is so heavily engrained in her now, it may be too late.
In no way am I saying you need to reverse directions with the D. His actions seem very uncaring and immoral, too. Only God can know what was really in his heart. He has said things like "I'm not leaving" that make me think (far away from your sitch) that he holds some hope for staying married.
I'm just saying that the best 180 anyone can do for any husband is to stop nagging (criticism / contempt) even when it is deserved.
The result may not be a happy M, but it may make him a better father and at least someone that doesn't cause you to feel regret for marrying him every day.
I hope these thoughts, which are just opinions, are recognized as just thoughts from which there may be good and bad. This is your M, or your D.
H acted like nothing happened (like he didn't come home at 5am) and everything was ok. WTF? He did some laundry bcuz I'm no longer his wife and don't do that for him. We argued a little in the afternoon. He again told me to move out. It's funny because not more than 10 mins later he opens a beer for me and tries to be nice...??? It's weird.
He was just here and me and the kids try to stay away from him. We all stayed in the back room and I'm sure he noticed that. We ended up getting some beer and take out and had an ok but interesting evening.
He was updating my iphone for me and I pet his head once while he was sitting at the desk. He smiled. Later on we were in our room and he tried having sex with me. Again...WTF? he went to kiss me and said, "i love you." I have not heard those words in 5 months! Now remember he has like 5 beers in him. He must be out of his mind.
My brother came by to visit. At first he didn't want to come because H was gonna be there. He says, "I don't wanna see that ******" but I made him come anyway. My H loves my brother but doesn't have a clue as to how he feels towards him.
He falls asleep in my bed. It was comfortable to have him there even though he grosses me out. Does that make sense? I've gotten so used to sleeping alone. It was a little awkward to wake up with him there. I just kept thinking how I could even feel this way (awkward) to someone I've been sleeping with for 23 years? strange!!
Things are just so bad. This whole thing doesn't seem right anymore. We are not a family and me AND my kids are uncomfortable with him around. He leaves on Thursday for a week and comes back for one day and leaves again! I'm so tired of it...this is exhausting!
Luv
Last edited by luvless; 04/11/1007:59 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
(Juno here, no idea why they changed my screen name)
boy he is playing some serious mind games with you OR is majorly confused. But that doesn't mean you have to either take part in his game or his confusion, I don't think. Is there any way he could at least get a hotel room temporarily so you're not subjected to this crap? It seems like you're going up and down like a marionette, particularly when he leaves and comes back from these trips. It would be nice for you if you could get a little mental relief and distance from his coming and going. I know that doesn't begin to solve all your problems, but it is one thing you (hopefully) can control- you could email him while he's gone and say either "book a room" or "I've booked a room" at X hotel for you- me and kids need the house to ourselves right now, or something like that...
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
He seems very consistent with being cold and then will do something like above or talk about the future (moving) or whatever. He tells me to move out and is not wearing his ring so anything he says to me cannot be trusted.
Yes..it is horrible to be dealing with all of this and his traveling on top of it. He goes and comes back for a few days...goes and comes back. He is gone so much it's ruined our family and is now affecting kids more than ever. Which is why I have to get him out of here. He is always angry and drinking throughout the day. Last night he was yelling at younger son and told him to "f off" and called him an "effing brat." I stopped it right away. I agree our son can be disrespectful but no way should a parent talk to their child like that.
I look at my H and wonder where he went. I wish he would end all of this but I am wishing on a DEAD star. I am still L hunting as I have not found someone I am willing to hand over my future to..just yet.
Luv
Last edited by luvless; 04/12/1009:42 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
