Final I think. Please don't feel you have to apologize for anything you've said - it's open communication. I'm typing, too.
I really have never chosen sides - I chose to be on the side of the marriage - to try to keep you & W together. Not for a moment did I suspect you were feeling the way you do - you never talked about it.
Just think of this:
If you came to me prior to all of this, and said you just found out W was having an affair, what do you think I would have done? I would have done the same things with/for you that I did with W!!!! You guys have made me sooooooooooooo proud through all the years of your marriage. I can't help but want to keep it together. The kids will want you to stay together, I have no doubt.
Please don't feel your perspective counts for nothing - it matters greatly how you feel. I felt wrongly that you were maybe exagerating your feelings to make us feel happy for the introduction of OW in your life.
OW has picked you up - dusted you off - and let you "start all over again" in a relationship built on secrets/lies/covert actions/hiding places/intimate rendezvous/etc. Although FIL and I never had those experiences - XH was told early on before any intimacy began - I can understand the good, exciting, warm fuzzy, happy, freeing, goose-bumpy being in love feeling that you have had thinking about being with OW. You hadn't felt those feelings with W for years BUT years ago YOU DID HAVE THOSE VERY SAME FEELINGS!!! You told me about them. Your face told me they were true.
Baby steps, working slowly on re-building a relationship with W - one that you can control - one that will give you some control - one that will allow you to be yourself, to feel safe to be an open book - to talk about everything and anything. To proudly re-introduce yourself to W. To be the man she married. No need to toe a line - you will help in drawing the line.
Please, my heart will rest if you can just try. She's not a monster. A monsterous thing happened to her. She put the monster away 12 years ago, or tried to. Yes, it poked up a couple of times in the recent past but has gone away - to stay away. W is more aware of her dark side today than ever before in the past. She will work to keep it away. It will clear the way for working on the marriage, too.
My bottom line - find help that will help to find you, to help you understand what happened those years ago. The lost part of you is just under the surface. W is willing to work, very hard, to not only make your marriage/family work BUT to help find the things/actions that will help to make you HAPPY. When you're happy - W is happy. We're all happy! Happy is good 8-)
I just started thinking about the weekend coming up, that W registered you for. It might not be a solution but it could be one of the baby steps to help you move forward, just a little bit closer to resolving issues. It's been paid for - the food should be good - accommodations should be good - all you have to lose is the time - and who knows what might be gained. I hope you choose to go.
