sounds like she needs an IC. Do you think you could touch her on the arm, tell her you love her for giving your M another try, and that you'd support her if she wants an IC to deal with past issues and to realize all the good things you see in her? (or whatever works)
An IC can make things worse, too. But if you can't take the emotions, what other options are there for deling with many old issues? You might be able to counsel her, or she may do it on her own, but I wonder if she'd need a more neutral person.
The fact that you can love her and welcome her despite the cra* you had to take tells me that she has many good reasons to love you. She probably wants to feel that your love isn't pity or some weird thing.
Be patient. I know I have to remind myself of that, but it is always important.
As far as Retrou, it isn't MC. It is very different. It deals with building empathy so, for example, forgiveness can be fully realized. It also helps with getting more shared values and plans over time. Think of it like skill building in making a R survivable. Another way to look at it is like helping you rebuild instead of repair the R. There may be other similar options, but this is the only one I know of.
Good to hear you are planning on the book. I think it would help you understand her and why she acts like she does a lot.
You can learn many skills, but understanding someone helps you want to use them, even when you are in pain.
