[quote”] First, this is the most stressful time in my life and you know I've had MANY stresses.... None compare. I want the best for you and always have - that will never change. You kept your loss of love for W to yourself - we never saw/heard anything otherwise except for one, just one time, you mentioned something about all the bags of dog/animal food that were in the house and you were bothered by that. I'm going to try to answer each of your inserts below. My stomach is upside-down. My heart is in my stomach. I'm aching for how you are feeling. I want only happiness for you. Good God, this is a massive situation. I can't help but compare your life today with your life before W and it just doesn't compare, in any way. What will you & the kids have without her?
I hope that I've highlighted all my text in red - might have missed some.
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By conspiratorial, I meant you and W going around to all my friends and painting me to be some kind of “serial cheater”. I’m not. When I asked you what W had told you, I was expecting that the answer you would give would be honest. When I asked you if you condoned what she had done (hand-delivering 5 pages of correspondence to OWH at his place of work), you said you didn’t know. Did you? I didn't know everything she had done. She certainly had substantial proof of the affair and she did share that with me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have believed her. I didn't go with W when she went to find OWH. There is no grey area between right and wrong for me. I felt, and still feel, that W was right in going to OWH. He didn't have a clue about the affair. Not a clue. Only something he caught her in, in March with some guy named XXX. I want your marriage to work (but, I know, better than most people, that if there is no physical love in a marriage - there should be no marriage.) More about that will follow....
When I came to your house, I came to talk to you about my marriage and what I’ve been feeling in my heart for YEARS! If you had a question about OW and our relationship, believe it or not, all you had to do was ask.
I went with W to friend's home. He's the only friend I saw. W had one request of him, and I supported it - that he not support your relationship with OWand he support your marriage
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“Oh really? And what was that? I guess MY thoughts and feelings are wrong, huh? I KNEW what I had come there to say and I said it, but it’s obvious you didn’t hear a word. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Maybe this will help. I feel NO DIFFERENT for W now than I have FOR YEARS!!!! Regardless of whether or not I had entered into another relationship, W and I would have wound up right where we are now eventually. I was there, but my heart had left the marriage long ago.
 YOUR thoughts are never, nor could never, be wrong - if they are real, I was expecting you to tell us you had fallen out of love with W and found happiness with OWand we were prepared to ask you to take a deep look at the pro/con sides of everything
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“I still do. What would you like me to be honest about? I poured my heart out to you and you think I wasn’t being honest? I told you that day how I’ve been feeling FOR YEARS!! This isn’t something that’s just creeped up in the past few months ma, and I also thought I had thoroughly explained through the years, how I had been conditioned into becoming a “yes man” and LOST the ability to tell her how I felt about ANYTHING! So much of me had to be buried to accommodate that “lifestyle”, but hey, that’s what you do in a marriage, right? No - you don't give up any of yourself in marriage - you share everything - the good and bad bumps and blemishes. I'm ashamed that I stayed with your Father for 12 years. He had a disease and I felt I could fix him. Wrong. BUT, when he told me about OWHin I was at the lawyers office the very next day. We divorced him and life began, anew.
Not that I’m trying to compare myself to you and your life choices, and PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way, but didn’t you begin a relationship while married (XH had told me even since before we married (I new our love would be platonic but I needed him, for you & brother) that if ever I found my soulmate it would break his heart if I didn't act on it. He wanted me to be happy and new we would never have a physical marriage. God bless him for trying, though, and we almost produced a baby that would have brought all of us much joy.) and exit from a “loveless marriage” to marry the man of your dreams? Please correct me if my perception is false. I’m not throwing stones here; I’m merely asking a question to get your perspective.”
. The day that I told XH I thought I could have a "marriage-like" relationship with FIL we were riding in the Jeep to Country Air to go camping for the weekend. He wrote a letter to FIL (I have it in my bureau drawer and you may read it) telling him he was so very happy for both of us. XH told me, during that long drive, that he would stay in the Main Street apt. with you guys so I could be with FIL - but I never planned on moving away from you guys - that's why FIL eventually moved in with us. We can have a long talk about all of this sometime soon. Have you ever wondered why FIL & I are so friendly/close with XH? We're going camping with him from May 1 thru the 18th, to Virginia. We will always be thankful to him for allowing us to be together. He volunteered to be Best Man at our wedding but we didn't think people would be able to handle that. If XH hadn't been honest with me from the very beginning I don't think FIL could have crept through the tiny crack in my heart. I thank God every day for him.
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“You mean fight to keep me in a marriage where I felt dead inside? Honey, I didn't know you felt dead inside. You never came to me. I know you're not a kid anymore but you could have talked about it. It might have helped - or not. Is that what everyone wants? YAY! We saved the marriage! Who cares if H is miserable, W loves him anyway! .”
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“Ok, I can totally see your point about my being honest with everyone concerning my relationship with OW. Yes, we kept our relationship hidden. We were actually actively discussing how we were going to come out and tell everyone, but the cat got out of the bag too soon. However, what assumptions are you making about my honesty with OW? I’m an open book to her! . I'm just wondering how you were going to finalize a relationship with her. Where would you live? Was she ready to take on the kids? So many new responsibilities We have no secrets! We discuss EVERYTHING! We communicate in a way I never knew was possible! There’s a LOT you should know about OW and I. .”
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“Again, I thought I had explained that clearly. I had been conditioned early in our relationship to just go along with everything, to be complacent. I was complacent with father and life would sure be different today had I moved toward another man. I think my life was in God's hands and I had to be married to Arnie - then wait 5 years to meet & marry XH, before I could be with FIL. W and I had a very good talk yesterday at lunch where she acknowledged this and apologized and understood that this was pOWHably too little, too late
. I'm glad you guys talked but wish there was more good news following it
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“No? Hmmm…My closest friends have been talking amongst themselves about something they knew was bothering me deeply for the past THREE YEARS MA! THEY knew something was troubling me! And three years ago is only when I could no longer keep it hidden inside and it finally started to break the surface. They saw it!
 But you never let it break the surface around us!!!! I wish you had. You carried a heavy burden for too long. Talking about it might have lightened the load, some.
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“That’s what I wanted you and everyone else to see. And, that's what we saw
I will NEVER deny that she was a positive influence on the kids and I hope she will continue to be. They love her a lot. She has been more than a real Mother to them . .
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“How so?
 . Your tangible life is so different. You didn't have as many opportunities.
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“Really? As I recall, everyone was in SUPPORT of my ending my marriage with XW.
 Yes, but you didn't have another women on the side. That makes a big difference when it comes to supporting someone during the breakup of a marriage. Yes, I had FIL. When XH & I visited a lawyer for our divorce we sat in front of the guy and flipped a coin to see who was going to file. He charged $250 because he had no work to do. We rode to the courthouse together. He begged us not to enter the courtroom at the same time and NOT to sit together. When it was over we went out to breakfast to "celebrate" and will never forget those days. They were all preparation for my future happiness. I will always love XH and FIL will forever be grateful to him.
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“Sorry about so many really’s, but really? Again, I came there to pour my heart out to you about my marriage and the pain I’ve been silently dealing with for years. That’s what I came to do and that’s what I did. The conversation might have turned to OWbut brother came over and decided to visit. If the conversation after that had turned to OW, I would have eagerly gone there. Like I said, we were actively discussing how we were going to tell everyone close to us about what we had found in each other What were your future plans if the affair hadn't been discovered prior to your announcing it? ”
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Yes, I had. But now I’ve broken free of that cell I put myself in and I feel fantastic! This is the best sentence I've read, so far. .”
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“n’t for years ma, but I do now. I feel I can finally be me again
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Just in case you have been out of the loop, let me give you an update. OW and I have agreed not to contact each other so that we are not a distraction to ourselves or our spouses as she and OWH, and W and I, work through our issues towards some kind of resolution, whatever form that takes. My fingers are crossed that you can somehow rebuild a new foundation with W and begin with small steps toward the way you felt about her in the very beginning. You said some fabulous things when you described her to us. If OW and OWH decide to try and work things out, that’s a decision I have to live with, but it doesn’t affect MY marriage or my feelings towards W one bit.
Please don’t view this as a negative email, as I am still hurt by you and W going behind my back and, for lack of a better word, slandering me to all my friends. I also understand I hurt all of you, by hiding my relationship with OW, not to mention hiding (in essence lying) my true feelings about my marriage for years. I’d be very happy to join you at the table again if you would allow me too.
PS - Now, this is what I call - communication! Our door is open for you.
dead inside? Is that what everyone wants? YAY! We saved the marriage! Who cares if H is miserable, W loves him anyway! W doesn't want you to be miserable, either.
