Next steps

[talia]

Aver -

I'm so proud of you!!!! I know its hard - but you are handling this SOOO well! The greif comes in waves... you just have to ride them out.

Mke sure you prepare a will and stuff - don't want that hard earned house to be screwed up in probate!!!

IMHO - FWIW - Don't send the heart letter. It won't do what you want it to , you won't get a response that will help you, and you don't deserve to deal with the fall out - what ever that might end up being. None of the things you say are going to matter to H so say them here and leave it at that.


HUGS

T

[avermont]

thanks, tal.

I have been reading your thread but no time to post.

My will is all set up--changing my beneficiaries was one of the first things I did.

I already sent the heart note--I don't expect anything.

I have an email from X waiting in his email folder--I think I will make friends read it tonight.

I am waay to anxious to read his response which has to deal with wrapping things up:

1) that I would move all his stuff to the garage--I'm sure he won't like that!

2) suggested a 65/34% split of the joint account, as that is the percentage of what we both have put in since he walked--he suggested 50/50

3)suggesting Sunday as the day to meet, review all his stuff in the garage, and decide on the joint stuff, which I will also move to the garage.

I am sick to my stomach, exhausted, and wired all at the same time.

OK OK--just these three steps:

move the stuff
talk about the stuff
have the closing

I've survived this far, right?

Wish me luck on the 1/2 marathon tomorrow, everyone! and send your strength to me as I pack things, move things, and meet with X.

I am reading your threads and thinking about all of you, too--

[flowmom]

Avermont, I hope your new C will be a good one.

Dealing with the stuff will be hard, but it will stir up the energy in the house and I believe it will be a positive thing to let in new energy.

Good luck on your half marathon!

[jasper67]

good stuff...good luck in the marathon (.5)...

You have stood your ground and should be very proud

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver))))
Wow! You are way more organized than I am! Best of luck on the marathon tomorrow! I'll be cheering you on from the parallel universe.

Sorry to be MIA, I used most all of yesterday to finalize all my edits on the sep. agrmt. & sent to L. Thanks for your advice on my thread. More about that over there.

Once again, we're moving parallel! Good for you on the adjusted split of your joint acct. I too am wondering what H will say to that when his L shows him the rev. S agrmt.

Just wanted to say Hi & send lots of hugs & positive energy! You've got your list in order & are checking it off. I'm inspired.

I'll post more later - got to get home to the pups. But know I'm thinking of you. Go kick b** on that marathon!! ((((()))

[talia]

Aver -

Good plan - remember - you are stronger than you think!!!! (and H is weaker than you thought )


GOOD LUCK tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you!

Hugs!

T

[avermont]

Thanks, all for the good wishes.

The .5 marathon went great! Finished in 2'04! And I was hoping for 2'10'; figured maybe 2'20"

Then did the big move out. And then the sh** hit the fan. Angry angry emails from X. Can't say I blame him--I would hate to have someone move my stuff.

Most interesting, is that in all these recent notes--even the one listing out his sweat equity--he is giving little digs---"I was painting the barn siding, WHICH YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED IN." "The bin of stuff for the theatre group can stay in the garage, EVEN THOUGH I WAS THE MORE CONSISTENT AND RELIABLE MEMBER."

And then the fury over having moved his stuff: "honestly, Aver, who is coaching you to handle things this way? where is your honor? I have spoken well of you to our friends, but if you are going to act this way, I will start telling them how you pushed me away."

Sob sob weep weep all day. The good news is, he is showing his feelings. All these things were what I invited him to shout at me in counseling in the fall, but he didn't want to do it. So interesting to hear him say what I know he believes: I wasn't interested in the house, didn't want this, didn't want that. I can totally validate his feelings (would that we had a conversation) and also so desperately wanted the opportunity to admit my faults in the R.

I am in the deepest misery. Feel so guilty about moving his stuff. Believe me, the counseling I was getting was to chuck his damn stuff out the window, not pack it up neatly and carefully, and label each box with the contents.

My new C is great. Told me it was OK to have moved his stuff. Told me to believe her.

I don't know what will get me past this current horror of terrible emails. All these months I have counted myself lucky that I wasn't experiencing the "spew" so many other LBS had to deal with. X and I were keeping it civil. But now the gloves are off.

He totally won't go for the 65/35 split on the joint, and is nickel and diming me on the joint stuff.

I am on the verge of saying: you took my heart, my very foundation, very nearly my life and sanity. Everything else is just sand. Take what you want--you have already taken the only important things.

I really don't have the strength to argue about a 15 year old TV and futon.

Good god, just get me past this division of stuff, and the closing, and let me go on from there.

[lees]

I am on the verge of saying: you took my heart, my very foundation, very nearly my life and sanity. Everything else is just sand. Take what you want--you have already taken the only important things.

I really don't have the strength to argue about a 15 year old TV and futon.

Good god, just get me past this division of stuff, and the closing, and let me go on from there.

This is EXACTLY how I felt, but much more eloquently put Aver - you have a lovely way with words sometimes.

And well done on the half marathon - you must be very pleased with your time! Hold onto the good things - they'll get you through.

[Gardener]

avermont,

I am on the verge of saying: you took my heart, my very foundation, very nearly my life and sanity. Everything else is just sand. Take what you want--you have already taken the only important things.

I really don't have the strength to argue about a 15 year old TV and futon.

Good god, just get me past this division of stuff, and the closing, and let me go on from there.

Amen. When it came time to list the property division, while I certainly didn't give away the farm, I really didn't give a rat's arse about "stuff" by then.

[avermont]

Yeah, I'm there.


The several weird things: he is arguing that as my mom gave "us" $400.00 to buy the futon (first piece of furniture for the new house), that should be a split (money-wise) between us.

Ummmm....did his mom give us the set of dishes with clear instructions that they were for X ONLY!? Aver not to ever use them? Same for the microwave from his dad. Etc.

I might just point out this weird little incongruity, but other than that...sh**, just take what you want. Go away.

He is soooo angry about me moving his stuff. Had the gall to write: "where is your honor? I have spoken well of you to our friends to a fault--you are forcing me to tell our friends that you pushed me away-"

The only good thing with that is he is showing the cracks and the strain. Some actual emotion.

I--after much debate, and knowing you guys would say DON'T DO IT!--wrote a note saying "our friends know my faults. I told them I was X, Y, Z. I did not portray myself as the innocent blameless victim. I let them know you had reason to be unhappy."

Why? I have to unburden my soul. I am not Catholic, but boy, am I understanding the need to admit fault, to ask forgiveness, to be forgiven.

We are not in any mode of DB'ing, so any groveling or sadness or whatever I convey are for ME. Part of this sucky process of dealing with my feelings.

After his super-angry email, he did write a fairly neutral note asking if it would be OK to come get his stuff this weekend, as I had said I would be working all weekend (which is why I had to move his stuff so abruptly).

Of course I said fine, thank you so much for letting me know, and I won't be around.

Thanks all for chiming in. Feeling a bit lonely over here.

I'll keep posting and trying to keep up on your threads!