WAW/MLC/Runner

[Jasmine]

Goodfight, Thank you. It's so hard to think of living alone but it's going to be the best therapy for me and I know it, actually I am looking forward to it. I wish you luck in all of this. I am sorry for your H and all the hurt he has caused you. I know I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused my H.

Journaling:
I am at a point right now where I don't really KNOW if I want my marriage to work. I am now waking up in the middle of the night with conversations playing over and over that were not nice conversations with H. I know our previous R/M is dead and we will have to start over but the "old" keeps coming up. I am working on the detachment from OM and it's getting easier and easier. WTF was I thinking?

I made contact with H via email and he replied back saying he is confused with all the roller coaster of emotions I continue to display. SHIAT! I didn't want him to feel that. I just wanted to extend a nice gesture of Easter Wishes. I became angry/hurt that he didn't respond. Then I fired back with an emotional email that triggered him. The last thing I wanted was to draw him back into "my drama". He has kept on pushing for the divorce and why hasn't the mediator gotten back to us with the typed up judgment. I got scared that he had moved on and GAL. I am not ready for him to move on to another life. I want him to work on our M but I can't get "us" to that point till I have physically left OM. That time is getting closer and closer.

I know, I know....we need to work on ourselves first. I want us to get to that point to open up the communication with him for him to work on himself and me to work on myself.

First meeting with therapist went well. She won't put me on meds yet. I am tempted to just go to ER for an induced coma of morphine for a few days of rest and turn off the brain just for a few hours!