Thanks for the replies! I've got to admit that I feel a little bit of guilt when I disappear from the BB for awhile and get behind on everyone's threads. On the other hand, that's what I tend to do - beat myself up for things. Hey! Nice seque...
Do not worry, we all have times when coming to the BB is not possible, either for work or family reasons, trips or simply because...
Quote: I'm spazzing out, frankly. Dealing with large amounts of anxiety. Let me analyze this a little -
Good. You identify the problem and then go to the root cause/s
Quote: 1) Feeling like W is a little distant lately... well, she's been sick, and the kids too. She's dealing with her own issues of addressing vunerablilty and intimacy. I did tell her last night that I did have this fear that I was going to misstep or screw up something and things will go down the tubes again, and she assured me that we're good. I told her that, although I appreciated it, I realize that her reassurance isn't want I need, I need to address this myself and deal with the anxiety internally.
What does she do that makes you feel she is distant? Maybe if you pinpoint a behaviour or sets of behaviours you will change your perspective. She told you things are OK, so is it a real perception or is it that you are so afraid of backsliding that you see her as distancing and she is not?
Quote: 2) My son. Okay, one of the things with the "new way" is that I'm trying to step in more with the kids, give W a break when they're clinging to her, etc. The older of the twins right now is being EXTREMELY clingy to mom, which makes it really hard to step in. Actaully, they're both like this right now. THey want mom to do everything for or with them. I feel like my efforts are leading them to be MORE clingy to her. So I'm struggling with (1) having feelings of failure as a parent, (2) feeling like I'm failing my wife, and (3) some amount of having my feelings hurt. Okay, so, I need to get a grip here - they're 3-year olds. They're going to be difficult by definition. I'm the adult here and it's silly to feel "rejected" by them.
Bill, do not feel like a bad parent. It is programmed in children's genetic code: when they are sick they will cling to Mommy and revert to earlier stage behaviours. Nothing personal against the father involved.
Quote: 3) Disappointed in myself about waining discipline in keeping up with the changes and all. Today was a new day. Got up at 6:00 and took care of things. Yeah, my son was in bed with W and didn't want to eat breakfast.
You may feel less disappointed in yourself if you learn to expect some failings, diagnose them and correct them. Would you expect any computer/program to perform flawlessly during its natural 'lifespan'? I did not think so. And correcting the problems is half the fun
Quote: Okay, so here's the thing - I want to dwell on all these things and figure them out, but my C would say that the source of anxiety is thinking about the past and future, and the solution is to focus on the now. I think that's a fancy way of saying, don't worry about things and chill out.
No, it is a form of telling you: there is nothing but the present. Our past is past, we can learn from it but not change it. The future is not here yet. We only have the here and now. So, if you start feeling anxious about the future you are changing your present for something that may not come to pass.
Remember the bomb? What would have happened if instead of acting 'as if' and DB'ing your b**t off, you'd started worrying: 'she will leave, she is leaving, I cannot stop it, she is goiing to leave'... Keep doing what worked before!
Quote: I know this feeling, it's the road to depression that I've been down before. Feeling so responsible for everything, like every step I make is a mistake and constructing my doom, and every solution, every task I set up for myself is insurmountable. This is the state of mind that leads me to withdraw, throw up barriers to intimacy, and so on. This state of worry and anxiety has potentailly been the source of disfunction and pain that I've dealt with for my whole life.
OK, if that is the problem, go to your doctor and have your medications adjusted. That worked in the past...
{{{{{Bill}}}}}
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
