How do I act?

[Surviving03]

I do want to keep trying... I do I do I do.... I get side tracked sometimes because I feel like Im being forced to give up, But I want my H and I want my M.

We have the strangest conversations sometimes, we have been getting along great the last couple days, H even gave me a kiss out in a parking lot in front of a store today! that was crazy... I had some bad news to tell him today about his birth father that he didnt know (I found out that his father had died when he was 4 years old and all this time he had no idea where his father was, thought that he just wasnt coming around) so we kinda shared a moment with that

Sometimes H seems to have love for me, and sometimes it seems like its just kinda non existant... or like he forces himself not to feel it.

We talked a little yesterday about treating me leaving as more of a separation, and allowing H to go do this overseas thing or whatever he decides to do, and let him feel this out and just see where life brings us... but it kinda seems like its going to turn into an out of sight out of mind for him... he does seem much more relieved though now, like I am allowing him to go do what he wants and do it amicably (sp?)... which i am not sure is a good thing?? But i was thinking that if I just act like someone he might want to love and be married to from here on out, like be loving and fun and caring... then when I do leave he might be like wait a minute, I want that back....?? I dont know guys... I am not sure how to be...

My mom keeps trying to fill my head with ideas about why I need to move on, she tries to pick out events now where she feels that it seemed H acted unloving towards me.. .like our wedding reception, I was kinda tipsy and out on the dance floor ALOT and without H for most of it, which didnt bother me at all at the time cause I was having a good time with my friends, but she was saying it seemed off that H was hanging out with his buddies instead of being on the dance floor with his W... I dont know, I dont want to start trying to find stuff like that to reflect on...