But he won't agree to us living in his city (why?).
Why? That is a really good question. I just don't understand that. "His" city? You have all of your friends in there, that's where you came from.....That whole attitude of his just "smells" of MLC-still-going-strong
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Everyone has given you good advice....I have one major question....does your h own the city he's living in? Why are you allowing him to dictate where you can or cannot live? He's certainly not living w/you and shouldn't have a say at this point in the game.
Now, about the 4 weeks...what will 4 weeks do for him? I still stand firm on what I posted a while back....he's trying on the relationship and if HE does not feel comfortable w/it, he'll fly away again. This is entirely too disruptive for you and your family. For one thing, no one should move in and out and back into a relationship w/o some heavy duty working on themselves and proving to the lbs that they want to make it work.
I suspect that there is something else going on w/him and I can't help but wonder at the 4 week deal. You have to decide whether you and your children want to go through the heartbreak all over again if he ups and leaves again. Why should you inconvenience you and your family for this houseguest? Suggest he stay at a hotel/motel or better yet, pitch a tent in the back yard. Your home is not the Holiday Inn for a wayward spouse.
I believe I hear France calling!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SC, I so agree with Snodderly. I believe I posted to you once before that your H not wanting you to come to the city where he lives is indeed a red flag. He cannot seem to give you a good explanation for that, especially if it is the city where you lived together. The four week time frame is also a red flag. What is the significance of four weeks?
If you can get those questions answered to your satisfaction I think you could make a better decision. Why would you risk being put through this again when H seems clearly still in the tunnel.
There is something fishy in Denmark or should I say France?
Hang in there. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you'll get this figured out.
Mermaid, thanks for the note. I looked at your sitch, it seems very similar to alot of what I am going through.
One of my WH's best confidents led his wife on for 10 years doing something like that. I think he did it so he could have the best of both worlds. She raised the kids, he came and went, and created a new life for himself. Then, about year 6 he started in a serious relationship with OP, and then year 10 filed for D, so he can marry OP. And meantime her kids grew up, she didn't drop the rope, and now she's totally on her own. I worry that that's what is happening, though just because someone else did that doesn't mean it's what would happen to me.
I know he has a rationale for why we should stay here. I have a great job that I couldn't get anywhere else, and the kids are thriving. Add to that the teenager starting in a new school, well, you just don't want to upset that too many times at that stage in their life.
But yes, it stinks! He basically tricked us into being here, then left. Then he felt guilty (no kidding!). Now he can't figure out what he wants.
He keeps asking his mother (grrrrrr), who is a narcisstic emotionless person, who has not called her grandchildren ONCE in a year now. She tells him it's OK, he's right, leave his wife and kids, the bad feelings will pass and he will be the happiest man on earth.
Everyone has given you good advice....I have one major question....does your h own the city he's living in? Why are you allowing him to dictate where you can or cannot live? He's certainly not living w/you and shouldn't have a say at this point in the game.
Snodderly, of course he doesn't own it!!
It's just that WE agreed that I take this job in the other city, and I gave up the position I had. Then when he left, all of a sudden, after the house was sold, I had no choice but to go to my new job and raise the kids-- alone. They got enrolled in schools here, in this other city. They are really really trying to make the best of it, find new friends, and adjust.
I can't just leave because I don't have job in the other place any more. It would take a long time to find something, and it would probably never be as good as the one I have here (even when I was there, I couldn't find this good a job). And I'd have to do it alone (if he didn't agree). And I'd have to transfer their schools. I wouldn't be able to afford a house.
Basically, if we're not doing it as partners, it would be worse for me to go to his city.
If we were doing it as partners, as a family, it would be fine.
But he won't do it as partners, as a family, and it's not realistic for me to uproot everything and do it myself at this time. Even though he says he wants his family all back together again. And HE doesn't have a job here, my city doesn't even have the types of jobs he does. Hope that makes sense!!
The four week time frame is also a red flag. What is the significance of four weeks?
I don't know. I guess he just thought it was a decent amount of time to either ...
A) show the L's that we are reconciling and thus stop the legal proceedings for me to get child support (which he doesn't seem to want me to put through), or
B) charm his way back into our good graces, which he could do much easier in person then - well - in absence, or
C) satisfy himself that he should not be with me, and feel less guilty, so he can move on (and of course, with me working full-time and raising the kids while he just hangs out in a small house in a strange city in semi-MLC limbo fog, well, why on earth would that work?!!)
Why does he have to make everything SOOO COMPLICATED? (or is it me that does that?!!)
SCH, this looks like a no-win situation. If you can't find the right answer now maybe you should just do nothing...keep on your current path and wait what develops next.
I know that you are probably scared that if you don't do what he wants, you will drive him away. If he really wants his family back, he will try harder to find solutions and if he just walks away that will tell you a lot as well.
Not easy, wouldn't want to be where you are now
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I was always told to drop the rope and be still and the answers would come to me. Everytime I felt overwhelmed and like I was going to go insane I would remember that. I also just kept moving forward doing things that I wantedto do. It became easier to enjoy life without h. My faith also grew while I was standing but that is the very reason when I knew to let go. I was getting a lot of messages to move on but I was stubborn. Then the answers just fell into my lap and the time was just right. You will know when and if it is time to let go. Nobody else can tell you that. That is why it is important that you detach and drop the rope. Any decision made has to be done with a clear head.
Thank so much you guys, I really really appreciate the feedback.
I think I must be in shock or something, I'm just so stuck in this rut.
At first I thought it must all be a mistake.
When the first reconciliation fell through, basically when he slammed the door shut on the idea of "his" city and kept to the status quo, I got scared.
I feel like it's all a game to him, and he's a major strategist, and I'm stuck in this stupid city, and my kids are trying to grow up and put down roots, and they need me to be happy and keep it together for them, and I'm terrified of not being able to do it all, single mother, full-time in a competitive job, everything I had sold or now far away. And he just won't stop this. I feel ill just thinking about it. I feel sick (of him) when I am around him and I don't want to be close with him. I can't bring myself to D and end this marriage, and I can't change it acting the way I am. If you met me IRL you'd probably never believe this is me, but wow this sucks!!!
