Hope everyone had a great Halloween weekend! I've been away from the board for a few days. Really putting a LOT of thought into things and what I need to do now. I feel like I'm entering a new phase of the situation now. There are daily ups and downs and I'm trying to maintain practice of all that I've learned.
We were all sick last week. I guess I was feeling a little like W was a little distant or something, but it's hard when eveyone's feeling ill. Anyway, I think I started to get into that mindset where I wanted to extract a response from her, you know, that kind of "here I am, please respond to me" kind of a thing. I'm trying really hard to keep on top of that.
I'm starting to think of my situation, my life, my anxienty, all that as like a big ball. Either I'm on top of it, feeling good, feeling it move under me and keeping my balance, or I fall off and let it roll over me. So I'm trying to keep on top of it and keep my balance. So:
Thing to remember #1: I give energy to the relationship, not try to extract energy from it.
I think it was Thursday night, we had "half-sex" again where we started and stopped. She expressed how vunerable this all made her feel - cried, hyperventelated... we talked a lot about our intimacy again. We're both feeling a lot of pressure about our intimate life. I think about it all the time. Need to spend more time with C talking about the whole intimacy thing.
Friday we went to a friend's house for a Halloween party and trick-or-treating. It began as a really anxious thing... the boys were SCREAMING their heads off in the car, and W was very on-edge. We got there, and things were okay. We had a great time. W was really happy and thanked me for (1) helping her get through her mood and helping to manage the sreaming children, (2) being so good socially with her friends, really trying to have conversations, etc. - she said I was perfect (I've had a habit of clamming up and not being really social in these kind of situations), and (3) taking the inititive of taking pictures and making sure W was in them - this kind of thing is REALLY important to her and she's always sad that she's not in the pictures 'cause she takes them. I usually find all the picture-taking annoying, but I know it's important to her so I took charge of it.
Saturday W had her spa day that I set up for her (before she set up mine, actually...) - I took the boys to the zoo and grocery shopping. Landscaper stopped by to go over plans and star working up an estimate. We all went out to dinner.
Yesterday we went to SF and saw the 49ers play the Rams - lot of driving, lot of traffic, etc. W had a GREAT time! She said she had the best weekend - this really meant a lot to her, that I took her to the game. She was soooooo thrilled with it.
W volunteered to give ME a massage last night - - I turned around and retured the favor.
Okay - so for me, I'm slipping back into bad habits. Staying up late and getting up late, so W ends up taking care of the boys more often in the morning. Letting the boys run to her and letting her take over (which she's been trying to work on her habits of doing the taking over). Stuff like that which doesn't make me feel good about myself. This morning, I printed out signs and put them up - "Go to bed" next to the computer... "Get up at 6:00" next to the bed, so I'm thinking about that when I GO to bed... "Quick shower" in the shower. I LOVE long, hot showers in the morning, and this is a way to cut down morning prep time. I'm looking for ways to maintain good habits and patterns.
I've felt like I've been under the big ball for a little while now. I told W this morning, "I feel like I'm focusing a lot on you, and I want to do everything to make you happy, blah blah blah" What am I doing? SAYING things - what, to extract a response from her? Jeez, talk about putting pressure on her.
Thing to remember #2: Actions, not words. Which is exactly the same thing, just a different angle, as: Focus on yourself - not anyone else.
I need to get back to my reading - I've been letting my mind and errant time-wasting take me back to "confused, muddling-my-way-through-life" ways. Want to keep focused. Manage all that anxiety which makes things seem difficult when they're not. Remember my priorities. Relax. Get on top of my ball. Keep being the man that I know that I am.
Okay, lunch is over. Gotta get back to work y'all. Things are good, I just want to keep moving forward instead of slipping back.
- I turned around and retured the favor.
