I wish more people came here knowing they had to work on themself.
But then this ain't your first rodeo.
I have a question for you directly, then, what are you going to put in palce to remind yourself and catch yourself from slipping up again?
I mean you already know what worked before, so I imagine that you'll be doing that, and are here more for support than advice.
For me, when me and my wife get into a fight, I can actually see two paths diverge and one goes back to the old ways, when that happens I usually have enough sense to realize that emotionally chaeged responses will lead me down that old path, so I tend to catch myself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
For me, when me and my wife get into a fight, I can actually see two paths diverge and one goes back to the old ways, when that happens I usually have enough sense to realize that emotionally chaeged responses will lead me down that old path, so I tend to catch myself.
I love this because it is indeed what I tend to do... except that too often I don't recognize which is which... or I just allow myself the wrong one. That is one of the things that I am 100% back doing now. EVERY response I make (well almost) is measured and thought out before I make it so far as possible. I intend for this to be one of my most permanent changes going forward since it's one of the ones I let slip and it has done damage for sure. The great thing is that no matter what happens with my marriage, MY KIDS will benefit from this as much as anyone because no longer will I allow myself to emotionally react so much to them. Hopefully the yelling and anger will fade too.
So you're right. I think I am here more for support than advice but then again, today I am in a good place. Tomorrow may be a different story. In general I think I know what I need to do... and not do... and I am prepared to do it.
Glad I didn't offend you. I totally understand where you are/were coming from. Honestly, when I first started posting it was from a place far from where I am today. Sure, that was a couple days ago but it didn't take much for me to remember what I was, what I wanted to be and what I needed to do.
Actually, it was when I read back some of those first posts I started to realize that I already had the answers to a lot of my questions. I'd already been there before and knew what I wanted to do.
I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all. Far from it. I've just been through a lot of trials in my marriage, and seen a lot of others go through them too (as have you I assume) and have developed a fairly strong perspective, especially when it comes to that particular debate I talked about.
Thanks for your support and I look forward to hearing more from you over time.
Ok. I may do that. Problem is that I am REALLY concerned about privacy, especially with all the info in my previous threads and my xbox gamer tag combined with info from here could reveal more about me than I'd like to have out there.
I might change my gamer tag and then I will do a friend request.
it's like a quote from a commercial I saw last night "If you're lying about this and I found out about it, I wonder what you're lying about that I don't know about."
"Well, I am one example of it working. I do admit that it is very rare, and requires a very high level of commitment to some very counter-intuitive ideas but in the end, I believed it worked for me. I did DB through my W's previous affair, didn't ever lay down an ultimatum or demand it stop, and when the affair ended badly, as most of them do (from my time on the boards and life, I've seen it over and over again) we were able to build on MY changes, recognize hers and move forward."
FWIW, some variation on this kind of approach that includes the key features of really dropping the rope, detaching, not controlling, letting go, not moralizing, not beating up the WAS, giving WAS more space than they want, working on oneself, being respectful of oneself, is the ONLY thing I've ever seen work on these boards.
I know Puppy sees himself as a counter example and he thinks that blowing up his Ws life, humiliating her with her family, and so on, was essential to repairing his M. Maybe it was for him. He's also got a lot personally invested in the idea that it was necessary and useful. But I wouldn't put my money on such an approach being either.
From my perspective, it looks pretty darn clear that his M really started to change and heal precisely when he stopped the heavy handed tactics and instead genuinely let go, detached, quit controlling, stopped moralizing, gave WAW tons of space, etc.
That being said, I still think that part of the work you do on yourself really still needs to be with your boundaries. This is mainly what I used to gripe about before too, lol. And, Puppy is fabulous with working on boundaries these days! So, even if you stick to your contra-Puppy-not-going-to-blow-up-Ws-life-even-if-she-is-having-an-A position, keep your ears wide open to what he says about creating and maintaining respectful boundaries for yourself.
How was your weekend? Hope you had some good times with W.
I know Puppy sees himself as a counter example and he thinks that blowing up his Ws life, humiliating her with her family, and so on, was essential to repairing his M. Maybe it was for him. He's also got a lot personally invested in the idea that it was necessary and useful.
Wow.
You give me FAR too much credit, OT. The things I advocate are not "Puppy's" -- they are based on the best infidelity research out there, from the likes of Harley, Glass, Tuppy, McGraw and others. To this I add my own personal experience but more importantly my observation of the hundreds of affairs that I've studied on this and other forums over the past few years.
I advocate well-thought-out EXPOSURE, not "humiliation" and "blowing up (your spouse's) life" nor "moralizing." Please either provide a direct quote where I've recommended that, or simply apologize, as it would be much quicker.
Glad I didn't offend you. I totally understand where you are/were coming from. Honestly, when I first started posting it was from a place far from where I am today. Sure, that was a couple days ago but it didn't take much for me to remember what I was, what I wanted to be and what I needed to do.