Huband is having an emotional affair

[Allen A]

To tell you the truth, I don't even know what is going on with him and the OW. I have never met her and I do not speak about her. I am guessing that they are still together but even if they are not, H is probably looking for someone else. This bachelor life is new to H and I think he is enjoying it but it is not right. Their so called business venture went nowhere from what I know. I have not viewed their website since I saw it for the first time. From looking at H facebook statuses occasionally, he does not promote it anymore. This distance between us is working in H's favor.

Not if he is not welcome BACK. My guess is when he DOES return he's welcomed with open arms and everyone is all smiles and tells him he looks good and all that great stuff... WHy would he want to come home if his being away produces such warm welcomes? He's the great family adventurer right now... everyone celebrates his childish behaviour right now.

Don't worry much about OW, the more reality they have to share the more damage they are doing to the affair. Affairs don't survive long term.. it may last a year, or two, but eventually yes he will move on or she will tire of him or one of them will catch the other cheating on the other.

As for the passive aggressive behavior, I think it has always been this way in our marriage. I just never spoke up about it because my feelings are easily hurt. H did what he wanted and we were not there for each other. I felt that he had a right because I wanted to compensate for the problems that we were having in the marriage. This is a big mess and some days I just want to give up.

Silence just kills a marriage. Blasting each other mercilessly kills it too. So, the solution is for the couple to find a healthy midpoint between distance and yelling.

Some days you will want to give up... But give up what? You have the freedoms he has. You CAN live a life right now without him under your roof.

One thing I might explore and I find a lot of spouses don't point this out enough about their own situations. Many distant spouses pay some sort of support, but I doubt they pay their spouse for them doing all the child rearing while they are off enjoying themselves.

Your husband likley brags to everyone about his being a parent. He likely is very proud of that fact. At the same time, he wants NONE of the responsability. It isn't just YOU he's avoiding, its parental responsabiliy. He has the idea that as long as some money is coming into your home from him, his job is done. Unless he's PAYING YOU for YOUR TIME to pick up HIS SLACK then you are being used.

I think I mentioned this before, but I would start separating finances and start pressing upon him the need for him to contribute more. Right now he's DRAINING household finances by distancing himself, why should your children lose out financialy so HE can have a bachelor pad? That sounds terribly inconsiderate to your kids. I would tell him so.

[Allen A]

In my opinion, H knows he is hurting me (him hearing me cry yesterday morning as he was leaving) and he doesn't know how to deal with it. The answer is simple. Stop the affair and come home. He does not want to do that. He has moved to another state that I guess he likes, he has OW with him, and he probably thinks he is in too deep to get out.

You have the idea for avoiding incidental contact, he uses the contact to validate his affair. As long as you accept his "I'm back" and his infrequent visits that celebrate his return he becomes increasingly convinced everyone is in support of his lifestyle and indirectly this is supporting the damage done to you and your chidlren. When he is supported, his mistreatment of YOU is supported with it.

He can't support his lifestyle long term. I would get yourself in a great position while he's gone. His distance offers the benefit of you being very far apart from his drama. Some posters here have the infidelity and the drama in there very own home and in many cases thats a lot more painful.

[Allen A]

I now see what you mean Allen. I didn't think about it that way. MIL has said that H is wrong for doing what he is doing but I do not know what she is saying to him per se. I want to tell her to let H know, when she talks to him, how much he is hurting his family but for some reason I think she is afraid to speak out. Now don't get me wrong, she has told me that she has talked to her son about what is going on but I don't think she has taken a hard stance against the infidelity.

If no one CHALLENGES him, he's going to assume everyone SUPPORTS him.

If you think like a parent here, its the same design. If your child acts out in some disrespectful way, and no one shuns him or puts him in a time out or in some way dissciplines the child, that child will LEARN their bheaviour is acceptable.

Enabling destructive behaviuor isn't much different conceptually from the concept of positively reinforcing a child's acting out...

His mother is sending an implicit message that she approves of his infidelity and his acting out and hurting his family when she DOES nothing different. She may say "I don't approve", but if that's all she's going to do she may as well shake his hands and tell him "good job".

[ALJ]

Well, I do see now that it might be hard for me to find people to support me in my speaking out against my H's affair. I received an email from my MIL. Now mind you, I have not asked her outright to protest the affair to my H when she does speak to him but the email that I have received from her does have undertones as to how she feels about the whole thing. She says how much she loves me and I am a strong woman and she knows I will get through this. Then she talks about how she loves her son but H is going to have to answer to God for what he is doing and how he is going to regret missing out on our kids lives. Then she talks about how H is just like his father(deceased since H was 13) and how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She wishes she could whip him, make him apologize, and send him to bed, like when he was a child, but she can't anymore. He is a grown man that is going to have to pay for his mistakes, etc. You get the picture. I'm not going to even ask his brother or sister because I think it will be uncomfortable for them being that is their brother and like Allen said, when H comes to visit they are happy to see him.

As for my side of the family, there is really no one to protest to H. I have not told anyone about the affair because I know there will be sparks flying, especially with my cousins and uncles. Half of them are alcoholics and like to fight when they drink. My dad has a history of being a womanizer himself and my mom has a temper(they were never married). Just your typical dysfunctional family. Plus, like I mentioned before, H avoids my side of the family like the plague. Hardly anyone in my family has been happily married before and the ones that were are either separated or divorced. My options are slim in that aspect.

I am beginning to think that my silence toward H is making him not feel so guilty about what he is doing to us. When he was visiting, it was like he was avoiding talking to me for fear of me bringing up our situation. He did not take an initiative to bring it up and neither did I. When he first came back, I did not welcome him with open arms and he hardly opened his. There was no cause for celebration. The atmosphere between us was mostly strained. We have never sat down and discussed our problems since I found out about the affair, just mostly text messages back and forth debating our sides. Now that he is gone back home and away from the pressure, I feel that he is fine as long as he does not hear from me unless he calls the kids because he can't deal with the fact that he is hurting us. Out of sight, out of mind. Does this make any sense?

I was thinking of sending H a letter though e-mail, telling him how I feel about the things that went wrong in our marriage, owning up to my part of it, pouring out my feelings, and then adding how what he is doing is hurting us. I want to tell him that he needs to try to work on our marriage and that our kids need the both of us together and not just financial support from him. H apologized in a text message about how he has hurt us when he first told me about the OW but that is it. Nothing has been laid on the table. He does not want to go to counseling. He says problems would arise in our marriage and we fix them and they would keep coming back. Basically, our marriage is over for him and I know OW is the main reason for this. What do you think? I have also begun the task of finding a FT for me.

[Allen A]

OK, even if your in laws don't want to publically do anything, you know who your friends are here.

I know your family doens't have the tools to help. I am just wondering if you told him that you have exposed everything if THAT would shake him up a bit... you don't HAVE to expose, just tell him they know and that word got around.

When you hide this thing like this it just enables him. CHILD molsters pull the stunt he's pulling... they abuse children and then they pressure them to keep it ia SECRET.

IF he's so PROUD of what he's doing, then put it out in the open and THEN we'll see how PROUD he is of it. This OFTEN cases the spouse to go underground, rant, throw a tantrum, and then run pointless damage control... but it DOES take the excitement and romance out of the affair.. it turns it into something ugly instead of just a thrilling, intimate little secret.

Pour your heart out? I wouldn't do that, but you can own up to what you have done, and then add that HE made mistakes too.

Then finish with

But what YOu are doing NOW is attacking innocent CHILDIREN by playing this hurtful little game of lies with them. You show up and act like you are a big hero, but you are just a hurtful liar to them. The first priority of a good father is RESPECTING his children's MOTHER. Finances take a back seat when you turn your kids mother into a doormat.

I would challenge him that he hasnt' even explored reconcilliation with a proper professional and is instead hiding behind a woman and won't face up to his responsabilities. You are a parent and as a parent you have obligations to your wife and children that FAR TRANSCEND how YOU FEEL right now. You OWE your children a family and the respect of effort into family therapy... rather than making cheap excuses and hiding miles away.

The next time he shows up I would wait til everyone was in the room and bring up his infidelity right out in public.

Just humiliate him and let reality rip through him.

He's a coward and he needs to grow up. It's one thing to avoid your family and cheat on them, but its another to show up on holidays all smiles acting like you aren't even doing anythign wrong -- THAT is COWARDLY.

If you did challenge him at the next holiday in public he will likley just walk out of the room and wait to attack you in private.

He may even try to go to a hotel instead. Let him. He NEEDS to feel unwelcome and have soem reality shaken into him.

[ALJ]

Thanks Allen and everyone on this site for being a friend. It is good to know that I have people that I can talk to. I have drafted an e-mail to send to H. Please tell me what you think.

H, I know that I have made mistakes over the years that have contributed to the problems in our marriage. Not being there for you emotionally, not making you a priority in the marriage by way of quality time, and ignoring your advice are just to name a few. I have admitted these mistakes to you countless times. But, what I think you fail to realize is that you have made mistakes too. Its time that we took ownership of those mistakes.

It's one thing to avoid me and cheat on us with whomever and lie about it but it is another thing to show up on holidays and birthdays acting like you aren't doing anything wrong and treating me like I am the one whose cheating on you.

You haven't even tried to explore reconciliation with me. You are a parent and as a parent, you have an obligation to your wife and children that far outweighs how you feel right now. You owe your children a family and the respect of at least an effort to go into family therapy, rather than making poor excuses and living a bachelor life almost 1000 miles away.

I am telling you this because I believe in forgivness and our marriage. We love you and I married you for life. Our children need their father and financial support is not what they are asking about these days. They want to know where you are. You are not here to see the effects of how your walking away from us is affecting them. You walked out and left me to deal with everything, including raising three children, while you are off playing the field and not offering any commitment of working on our marriage. You already know how this affair has hurt me and the kids. Please stop running from your problems and stop the infidelity.

[Allen A]

Wow, I like it.

Don't send it yet, you really should leave it for a few days and come back to look at it. I might make a few suggestions but I I think this is a stand up letter.

I would like to see some consequences in here, but we don't have a lot of leverage to work with right now. And my other red light is when you mentioned that your kids weren't needing the child support as much as their father my MILD concern is that he may pull that... but that's your call on how he may react to hearing that.

I will add more commentary later, but this is my first reaction.
I would like to hear what PDT thinks of this sucker too.

[4luv]

I like the letter too. I have wanted to send my husband a letter of sorts but always talked myself out of it because in the past when i have said actually said something similar to husband he has brushed it off. Matter of fact, he accused me of trying to guilt him into staying married. His brother was in the room when I actually told husband basically what you wrote but his brother already knew what was going on.

I agree with not bothering with husband's sister or brother. Siblings often stick together. Also, my husbands mother said the SAME thing to me when I actually told her about the entire situation. I called her last night to see if she had talked to my husband and told her that he still had not contacted me or even tried to call to check on our son. She didn't seem that phased by it and said "he is just going through alot right now so I am giving him his space." WOW!!!

I think the letter is good but don't send it today.

[Allen A]

ALJ do you have any formal/legal arrnagement for his visits? For child support? et?

I am thinking HIS MOTHER is not the best person to supervise the visit. I was going to suggest you have one of YOUR family members supervise his visit. THAT may test his resolve to BE a parent in teh first place ... since you said he aviods your family.

Tell him "the kids are with my sister... feel free to call her to arrange a time to see them" or something like that.

It will be interesting to see how he handles that... Right now he visits with his family and they just coddle him and enable him... that is NOT a HEALHTY ENVIRONMENT for YOU to have to expose yourself to.

If his family wants to do that, then don't be around it. Visit them wehen he's not there... and have the visits with his kids someplace that's more supportive of YOU... right NOW its all arrnaged in HIS FAVOUR and its going to make YOU ILL

[ALJ]

Thanks for the critiquing the e-mail for me. I definately wanted someone to look it over before I sent it to H. I won't send the e-mail yet but it felt good to put my feelings on paper since H and I don't seem to know how to communicate to each other about what has happened.

4luv- I know what you mean about sending your H a letter and then changing your mind. I have basically tried to communicate to H how I feel but it usually becomes a debate between us and he also says that I am trying to make him feel bad. He doesn't seem to like the guilt that is associated with what he has done. This e-mail is the first stand up letter that I have sent to H and hopefully he will respond in a positive way but he might just get mad, make excuses for his actions, or not respond at all.

Allen- I agree with you on the wording that I used about the kids not needing child support as much as their dad. Maybe I should change the wording to "H, you providing financial support to the kids is not going to fill the void of you not physically and mentally being here for them. They constantly ask me "where are you, when are you coming home for good?"

As of right now, we do not have any legal agreements regarding our separation, visitation regarding the kids, or any child support payments ordered by the court. I haven't went that route yet because H gives us most of his unemployment money. Once H does get a job, I am hoping that he will give me money voluntarily for the kids because there will be no more unemployment coming into our joint account. If he doesn't then I will have look into getting child support. After what happened at the BBQ last saturday with husband, I don't think I will attending too many of the family gatherings where he is present also. My MIL, SIL, and BIL would probably be upset if I am not there but it is just too uncomfortable for me when he purposely ignores me.