Maybe I didn't blow it?

[james217]

She told me I was selfish. I ignored her and her needs, and she felt terrified to even talk to me because she was scared of my disapproval to everything"

Wow.

Yeah. She's right. I knew it, but to hear her say it just hit me hard.


However... I realized that her main problem with me is totally something I can fix.

So I did the unthinkable, I did what everyone says not to do... I asked her out. I asked her if one day when the warm weather sticks here in chicago if she would like to go to the zoo with me. I've loved the zoo, and really wanted to go, so I just asked. I didn't even think too much about it... Me asking her to go with me just came out.

She said yeah.

So here I am.

Thing to know here too, is that she rarely, if ever at all contacts me, and she doesn't ask me to do things. She still wants a divorce, but has made comments about how we need the divorce to "really start over".

I don't agree with that, but I am not fighting it, either. I am going along with the divorce.

She also stated that she still feels anger towards me, and she doesn't know why. I actually took this as a good thing as she is progressing through the emotions properly.

She has never once said to me that we are done. From the moment she left she has made comments about us working it out, us getting together, us just needing some time and worrying about ourselves or a while.

So, yeah... I'm not worried about being alone, or lonely. I know I will meet someone else and be happy again and all that jazz... This isnt desperation anymore. I'm cool.

I just really feel like me and her have something really special, and I am willing to fight for it.

So... there is no date set for out zoo date... And I don't know what to do now.

Part of me thinks I should just give it a bit... I dunno... A couple weeks, maybe a month and wait for the weather to really warm up and give her some time and space and a call one week to see if she still wants to go...

Whacha all think?

I got hit with this man. The selfish and playing the blame game. I had a date with WAW yesterday. it went well.

extremely well. Just time to build upon that.

But the backsliding may happen because she has to see consistent changes.

i would suggest just a little contact. keep it light and happy. Make every memory positive. If you feel it escalating to an argument? Try to change the subject or crack a joke. If that doesn't work? Make an excuse to end the call.
You can check my sitch if you want to see what's going on in there.

I see the resentment and anger like this.

everytime you ignore or hurt someone it's like a drop of water or drops of water going into a balloon. the balloon is near the top and water is spilling out spewing their anger.

or springs a leak and the balloon has a whole it in.

Soleil. I would really really like the viewpoint of your WAW input on my thread.

konfuseeed I'm going to be praying for you dude. you seem to have a good handle on things.

[rr22]

KF: How do I bust my divorce if every time something positive happens, like her wanting to see me, I have to take it as a negative?



If you do want to attempt to ride it out, you do have to keep a positive, yet realistic mental attitude.

Go with your four point plan above (maybe 3 weeks, not a month),
but also do not allow yourself to think she may not be dating.

Consider that she may be dating and that you are making changes that COULD change that tide. You can also set a time limit in your own mind that you don't tell her about so that you know you will not spend YEARS working on this without any sign of progress.

We all have issues we can fix. So do our exes.

[konfuseeed]

You guys are helping me like crazy today. Thank you.

[james217]

KF: How do I bust my divorce if every time something positive happens, like her wanting to see me, I have to take it as a negative?



If you do want to attempt to ride it out, you do have to keep a positive, yet realistic mental attitude.

Go with your four point plan above (maybe 3 weeks, not a month),
but also do not allow yourself to think she may not be dating.

Consider that she may be dating and that you are making changes that COULD change that tide. You can also set a time limit in your own mind that you don't tell her about so that you know you will not spend YEARS working on this without any sign of progress.

We all have issues we can fix. So do our exes.

most definitely. If she's putting feelers out there and being positive and you're being negative then gues what? in simple math that makes a negative.

I like that rr22 positive yet realistic. that's the state i'm trying to bein myself. make every encounter positive but be realistic and always consider and be prepared for anything.

KF

does she admit she has issues too? does she admit any wrong doing? In previous conversations has she admitted her mistakes?

don't bring them up at all. and don't r talk to ask her I just wanted to know if she's solely blaming you for everything

[konfuseeed]

Well, she had been up until yesterday. Yesterday was the first time she admitted to having any fault. Before then it was all my fault, I ruined everything.

Yesterday was the first time she was even open to the idea that we caused this together.

I took that as a positive sign.

My #1 rule right now with her is no R talk, unless she talks, and if she does, I listen... And ONLY listen.

[james217]

Well, she had been up until yesterday. Yesterday was the first time she admitted to having any fault. Before then it was all my fault, I ruined everything.

Yesterday was the first time she was even open to the idea that we caused this together.

I took that as a positive sign.

My #1 rule right now with her is no R talk, unless she talks, and if she does, I listen... And ONLY listen.

yep say absolutely nothing except reaffirming her.

her admitting her afults is a plus. at least she's admitting it's not all your. Have you seen any positive changes towards you?

[konfuseeed]

She's not afraid to email or text to "just say hi" anymore.

I got a "hi" email this morning, actually.

I spose the fact that she does want to spend time with me is good. I dunno if it's out of guilt, as someone said, because she told me flat out that she really enjoys spending time with me now. She only got hesitant when I started pushing hard for reconciliation.

Even then, as I was pushing, the only thing she would say is "I'm not ready yet".

Don't really know how to take that, so I didn't take it as anything. Maybe theres another guy, maybe not.

I honestly don;t know if it matters at this point, because I am trying REALLY HARD to just law low, be patient, worry about myself and give this whole thing time.

Baby steps, right?

A good talk
Plans to see each other

2 small, but worthwhile things, I guess.

[james217]

She's not afraid to email or text to "just say hi" anymore.

I got a "hi" email this morning, actually.

I spose the fact that she does want to spend time with me is good. I dunno if it's out of guilt, as someone said, because she told me flat out that she really enjoys spending time with me now. She only got hesitant when I started pushing hard for reconciliation.

Even then, as I was pushing, the only thing she would say is "I'm not ready yet".

Don't really know how to take that, so I didn't take it as anything. Maybe theres another guy, maybe not.

I honestly don;t know if it matters at this point, because I am trying REALLY HARD to just law low, be patient, worry about myself and give this whole thing time.

Baby steps, right?

A good talk
Plans to see each other

2 small, but worthwhile things, I guess.

it could be another guy. Or she could just be trying to see if your changes are longterm. The hurt is probably extremely great so don't pressure her to come back.

Just take it one day at a time stay positive and realistic like rr22 said

[ninelives]

I'm in the same boat brother. Don't know whether to be there for her and support or to GAL, which i think we are all trying to do to the best of our abilities.

I think you need to "feel her out" every time you get together and let her do most of the talking and see what direction she takes.

My W talked a little about the R, but then quickly changed the subject and I didn't press. Its like they almost want to get back but don't know how and are afraid that they will be back at that unhappy place that made them want to leave.

I'm finding out for myself is how much am I willing to endure and for how long. This is obviously different for everybody but if there was a significant amount of time spent togeher, with children, Patience is your best friend but not a comfortable one.

[james217]

My W talked a little about the R, but then quickly changed the subject and I didn't press. Its like they almost want to get back but don't know how and are afraid that they will be back at that unhappy place that made them want to leave.
.

yep they don't think the changes are genuine. so they keep feeling u out. any sign of the same previous behaviour and it just reassures them that they made th eright decision