Oh it would bring me great pleasure if I heard she was cheated on someday, or some terrible, painful life experience tore her life apart like she tore mine apart. I have these awful revenge fantasies that I can't believe even cross my mind.
The thing is, I have never been a vengeful person, an angry person, a bitter person... So when I have these thoughts it is so foreign and alien to me and I hate it. But, I have never had a reason to hate someone like this before. I have never had anyone wrong me so terribly before. And, I just can't seem to get past it because there is no way to really get closure. I do know that contact with her would do no good. If my H is right about his speculations about her having a personality disorder then ANY attention is like a drug to her... she would lap it up and love it. That is the last thing I want. No contact, pretending she doesn't exist is my best revenge. I know that. But I still just seethe inside and roll around in my head all the things I WISH I could say.
I have written a couple of letters to her to get that stuff out that I just ripped up after. Maybe I need to just keep doing that until I get it out of my system.
I know she is not worth it. I know I "won". So why is this so frickin' hard?
