As I've said many times on the Infidelity and Newcomers forums, I have personally never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" method work -- you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home," etc. Doesn't mean it doesn't -- I've just personally never seen it. But "Big Bird" (head in the sand) NEVER works, of that I am certain. Puppy
Well, I am one example of it working. I do admit that it is very rare, and requires a very high level of commitment to some very counter-intuitive ideas but in the end, I believed it worked for me. I did DB through my W's previous affair, didn't ever lay down an ultimatum or demand it stop, and when the affair ended badly, as most of them do (from my time on the boards and life, I've seen it over and over again) we were able to build on MY changes, recognize hers and move forward. Sure, you can say that my current sitch may point to it somehow not working but I believe it did. So did all those who were there with me on the boards and watched the process play out. OT was there. She knows, and she was one of my harshest critics at times but in the end, I think IF you totally embrace the aspects of DB (and other philosophies) that suggest detachment, personal reflection/improvement, validation and compassion, you CAN make things better, better enough that your spouse recognizes their mistakes and sees the marriage as a viable thing again.
Also, I want to be clear. When I said I didn't "accept" the MLC thing or affair, I am not saying I don't think they are possible. It's just that I am not prepared to make a call on exactly what's happening, nor do I think it has ANY effect on what I need to do for myself. I am not just ignoring the issue with this friend and hoping it goes away, nor did I do that when I was 100% sure my wife was having an affair (she admitted it then). I am just choosing not to put a label on what may be happening. To be sure something is going on, and whatever it is isn't good for my marriage right now. That may be my wife just lashing out at what she sees as a controlling husband, and wanting some freedom, to a full-blown affair, to something else entirely. Accepting that those things are possible is different than moving on to calling it a name, MLC, a PA or whatever and then reacting to that label. Maybe I'm arguing semantics but it makes sense to me Once again, what's happening with my wife makes NO difference to me in terms of what I need to do for ME, and that's what I am here seeking advice on.
So like I said, if you read through my zillions of posts back in my previous incarnation here, you'll see that not confronting and truly working on yourself CAN and DOES work (as suggested in DB), or at least did for me. If, at the end of this current episode in my marriage, things go for the worse, you can come back and say I told ya so.
Lastly, and please, don't take this as me asking for you to not comment, but I am not here to debate or seek advice on how to handle my W's "affair" or whatever. IF you feel so strongly that no progress can be made while this issue is not resolved (or even named) then maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. I went through this debate before and 100% of the time it ended up being semi to outright nasty and I don't want that. I am open to differences of opinion just realize that my personal experience and success will guide me in that particular aspect of my sitch.
There may come a time when I reverse that stance but that's not likely to be anytime soon. I hope you don't take offense to that Puppy.
Once again, what's happening with my wife makes NO difference to me in terms of what I need to do for ME, and that's what I am here seeking advice on.