Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[june72]

Tickled seems to have a lot of insight.

OTMT, it does seem that she is depressed but also very hurt. I know it's hard being around someone who is depressed but her circumstances (isolation, having lots of kids is very hard the first few years, the lack of connection b/t you, move to another country, etc), but it almosts seem like anyone would get depressed with the sitch she was in, right?

What Gottman book are you reading? This flooding sounds like what my hubby used to do. I probably did some too...


I have to be honest, what has helped my husband I greatly is the "radical honestly" concept from Harley. My hubby has not read any marriage books but I tried to explain it to him.

So now, I ask him if there is anything I am doing that is upsetting him or hurting him or not meeting his needs. I also tell him specifally what I need. ie. "I need you to hug me a lot more, it's makes me feel loved", "I need you to spend more time iwth me- it makes me feel special", etc.
I really like it.

Can you ask your wife- "What can I do to make you happier?" "Can I spend more time with you?, Listen better?, Help more with the kids?"
I think at first she will be reluctant to answer but eveentually I think she will tell you what she would like from you. I think you should persist in asking her, IMO....

[june72]

"Like in the restaurant. June seems to makes sense to me in saying my glance when she's feeling crushed about porn was hurtful and ignorant. It wasn't on purpose, she was our server. It was my first attempt at a private romantic dinner since our 1st year of marriage. I just made it worse.
"

I really feel strongly that she went to the bathroom to compose herself and may have cried a bit...my thoughts...

[june72]

Please OTMT, please understand that even standing at a starting line is a huge struggle for us from another culture. Even if we chose to come here, even if we love it, it doesn't mean we'll adjust just fine.
I was a very sociable person before I left my country and although I like where I am, I have become very quiet, an introvert. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with someone… it's not like you can make it your home so easily. Just because there are so many migrants and they all seem to be doing alright, not everyone is… especially if you are in an intercultural marriage, because there is no where you can relax. Together with M issues, it's an extremely lonely life and a tough one.

This is amazing advice!

[june72]

I follow what you said, TP. She wasn't social anywhere, and she really did expect all of her ENs for communication & recreation would be met by me. People have invited her over and more to build a friendship, but she refuses. (self-esteem & cultural fear?)

I admit, I did this to my hubby. Expected him to meet too much of my ENs. I had few friends at one point and wanted him to fill the void. It was wrong, and unhealthly.

Do you think she has social phobia? An anxiety disorder, perhaps?

[june72]

Quitting...

I hate sinning, and I know it to be a sin. I have all the excuses needed to make it hard for me to want to quit forever. So do I want to? I know I must, but I wish I didn't have to. (Screwed up, eh? That is what made me willing to see a doc!)

I really think her low self-esteem led her to say 'better this than other problems'. She also was certain I would stop. She told me that she expected I'd D her if she confronted me. That is how little she knew about me...I was waiting for her to help me want to stop - I would've been embarrassed, but I wanted her to catch me & help me stop (I think!)

Wow! This speaks volumes!! She was afraid to confront you, wow.

[june72]

[quote=OnthemountaintopSo here I am. I'm making these statements to her:
1. I need to have this issue be my own.
2. I need her to accept that I will likely relapse at least a couple times in our M
3. I need her to try to be more attractive for herself, so I don't feel like she's a charity case. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly.
4. I need to keep ML with her so I am less tempted and can't break the addiction soon enough. (She is demanding a full stop in 6mo)
5. I need her to keep getting IC so my problem doesn't lead to her risking her life.
6. I need her support, not judgement by removing the threats while keeping reasonable expectations. This means giving me trust, even though I don't deserve it. This has to be a 2 way street... I'm trying to stop for religious reasons first, myself & my dignity second, and for her 3rd. If I feel her policing me, I'm sure I'll blame her when I fail and I won't be sober for the long haul. No, you have to take ownship for your failure and not blame her...
7. I need to have more time to myself & with the doc to work on this. This means I will be a worse husband and father in some ways or at some times.


Among all of my issues and pain I've caused her, I still have a few issues in our M that I'm having problems with that could lead to a D in 6 months. So, unfair to put marriage recovery on a timeline. Unrealistic in my opinion...It's a slow process... I'm hoping to get rid of these expectations, but I haven't yet.

1. Miscommunications (cultural & linguistic) & problems accepting influence (she's said the latter herself...that if I tell her she hates to do it and often won't)
2. Acceptance of me as I am And you of her
3. She expects I will be 100% physically attracted and I'm like 70% (better than last year!). I'm OK with 60%, but she isn't. I need her to accept my attractions as they are - I can't choose to be more attracted. I'm hopin the porn problem will make her less sensitive.
4. Honesty. I need to know what she is actually thinking.

Considering my problems, I know beggar's shouldn't be choosers. But if I'm just begging for the rest of my life, I won't be able to stay married.

Like you said, culture is a big part of communication and thus, a marriage.

.[/quote]

[june72]

Not sure why but the computer screen is jumping all over the place today when I try to quote.
Will try more later...

[Onthemountaintop]

Yesterday my IC (former MC) said my W might have a borderline personality disorder. She said this in response to W telling her ICs statements that make her seem strong, independent, and self-directed.

She told this to me so I could remember not to put too much stock into her flip-flops (love you, want a divorce reversals).

She was also replying to the idea that someone who considered suicide over use of porn, wanted a D, was very verbal and angry, would not be able to reign in all of those emotions for 11 years without ever letting it slip.

Oh, and the major counselling session she is signed up for by her IC isn't for self-esteem, it is for abused women.

My IC said to that I and she have both done and received some emotional abuse from each other, so it would be better than nothing. I'm trying to breathe deeply....

(re the screen, see if "compatibility mode" is on)

[Onthemountaintop]

[quote=Onthemountaintop]
6. I need her support, not judgement by removing the threats while keeping reasonable expectations. This means giving me trust, even though I don't deserve it. This has to be a 2 way street...

Easier said than done, but I agree. Thanks. I know I should not ever blame her, but I know myself well enough to know I will. Also, the book about this issue made the same statement, so maybe it is something about addictions. Geez. I sound like a crack addict!

The 6 months seems like it is so long for a timeline. To think that 6 mo from now she may say, "I've tried but I can't live with your sin" and ask for a D is painful. If she is certain as she is now about leaving in a month or two, I don't think 6 months will change much.

Vulnerable is a word that applies to both me and my M. I have told her that if she keeps on melting down and asking for a D, I will eventually accept it and do it. Not in anger but accepting that after 7 months, my growth in love, changes and acceptances, dealing with old issues is a lot. If I'm still not enough, I likely won't be. The only rollercoaster I like is in West Edmonton Mall.

[june72]

OTMT,
I just want to caution that not everything an IC states is acurate. You can read volumes on here about how people have had horrible expereicnes with MC/IC.
If I had mistened to my MC- our marriage wouldn't make it another 6 months. I chose to not listen and work on fixing things.
She had told me to safe up money...

I get really, really leary when someone starts throwing out diagnosis- esp. that one. IDK, I would listen more to a PhD orMD in psych, IMO.

I personally think you wife is having cycles of anger and hurt (I admit I have this). I know no to say nothing to my hubby about it. She is really vacilating in my opinion.

I mean you fixate so long on the plan of a D or S. Or that this is the way a person is. When the spouse changes- I think it can really throw the other spouse off kilter. I think there is a lot of "why know" thoughts, and "I still have hurt and anger there"


I only think in the beginning or repairing a marriage the cycling back and forth is normal for both parties. And are you forgetting how you have vacilated back and forth on the marriage and your wife also, mister....

IDK, I will there were more on here with insight on repairing a marriage b/c I personally need the guidance,,,

Now, how do I see if the computer is on compatability mode? We got anew computer so it would make sense that a setting has to fixed.

Later go kiss you wife today, out of the blue, and tell her you had to b/c you were thinking how wonderful she is.... not a command, just a thought, if you wish...