Faith without works... (my new thread)

[james217]

James....i think the point everyone has been trying to tell you over i don't know how many days is....YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOU AND STOP GETTING SUCKED BACK IN BY HER UNTIL YOU ARE IN ABETTER PLACE PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.

i have watched over a mere few days your emotions range from happy to wanting her to die....you need to detach from her..your co-dependance on her is EXACTLY that of an addict (i suggust reading "Beyond co-dependancy" if not already mentioned)..go dark for a few weeks, not just a day, and get your NUTS back.

that is all i have

Gman

My feelings of wanting to die has more to do with feeling sorry for myself. My disabilities and lack of job.

For over the past month I have been doing this by myself without her. Each day I grow a little stronger. I had to step back and look at myself and say I need to change. not just for R or M but the way I interact with my life as a whole. Do I want to keep heading down this direction? Do I want to keep sliding? Will I just make excuses and use my disabilities as a crutch to be afraid to fail which is totally stupid?

My mood is changing because I'm trying to change. Because i'm consistently having counseling sessions with my therapist to sort through issues.

Because I'm getting back out there and trying to go to the doctors and find out what's wrong and how to deal with that. Because I'm actively praying reading my bible and and working on myself.

I have totally forgiven. Colossions 3:13 states I must forgive or god won't forgive me.

I'm finding little things to make me happy like taking walks by myself or reading my bible or other self help books. Getting advice from my therapist.

The devil had a major major hold on me. I know he did. I'm ashamed of it and alot of things I have said on here.

I'm not sucked in. If I don't talk to her today? Fine. If I do I'll try to make a positive experience of it. Sure I would like to talk to her and build upon yesterday but that may/may not happen.

But that still does not change the fact that I have things and goals set that I am working on for myself.

And yep I was extremely upset about the herpes. Not anymore. I was really wanting and wishing things upon her that no christian man or husband should do



I went through a major major depression and I talked to the doctor again over the past few days. He told me alot of my anger rage and feelings of depression emotional outburts and actions over the past few months were due to the diabetes and stress.

I'm getting the diabetes under control now that I know what is wrong. The next step it to keep the stress down by working out, continueing to exercise. and letting the past die and staying focused on my goals and my bible

[DaddyLongShanks]

I hear what gman is saying. It sounds like from your thread that you are getting sucked in over and over and over again, and she goes back to the same behavior. From your words, it sounds like its very hard on you and a straightforward and loving approach with logic has not been working.

However, if she goes the church way on her own and its real, that will be benefitial for you and I'd just stay hands off while she does so or facilitate without pushing.

[james217]

I hear what gman is saying. It sounds like from your thread that you are getting sucked in over and over and over again, and she goes back to the same behavior. From your words, it sounds like its very hard on you and a straightforward and loving approach with logic has not been working.

However, if she goes the church way on her own and its real, that will be benefitial for you and I'd just stay hands off while she does so or facilitate without pushing.

The first time we started talking? It was not genuine at all. She got herself into a jam and got all her clothes and money stolen.

I gave her money to help her keep her place and then she spent the night (almost intimate but neither went through with it) and stayed over til late the next day about two weeks ago. Then she came by and brought me some lunch. Then the awful saturday ocurred.

Since then I've been focusing on alot of what I need to do. Doing things that I needed to do to resolve things for myself.

Going to the doctor, setting up jbo interviews. Reading my bible. Exercising. I think the diet the doctor put me on is working because the weight is coming off extremely easily.

I've been following all my doctors orders.

I'm trying to take care of my business. she handles hers. If I get calls about joint accounts or bills (her mail still comes here) I let her know.

That's the thing I wasn't logical. I was logical ON HERE but not with her. I wasn't loving either. I was brutally verbally abusive towards her.

Alot of times we'd have good conversations and I'd ruin them by bringing up the past. It was the same stuff that I would do when she'd make a mistake before our seperation.

I figured this out when I can back home and just got the same type of treatment from my own parents. Within a week of being here I wanted to run. She was there dealing with this for a long long time.

I have gone back and looked at alot of the emails and past conversations we had from months ago.

She was stating how she felt like she was not making me happy and felt like she wasn't doing anything right because I kept bringing up the past and her mistakes.

quote from months ago in an email she sent.

"I want to apologize for when you think I'm giving up on the m. I really don't. It's just when you express to me how you feel....in my head I assume you want to break up because each and everytime you bring up what I did wrong. It hurts me to hear you say that I wronged you and the family. It hurts me deeply......that's what causes me to give up. Deep down I feel with all the pain I caused you.....I feel you deserve someone who will treat you better. You say I'm capable of doing it but everytime I turn around of done something wrong. Have I done anything right, lately?"

the last part of it hurts like hell. I overlooked her feelings about just kept on doing what I felt I needed to say. Even though I thought I was confiding? It was hurtful the way I said it how I said it and with anger (moreso hurt which can also cause anger) and so to 180 that I'm more complimenting. I try to keep the past out of it and focus on making positive moments.

i can't make her do anything. only try to influence through my interactions with her by making them positive and she also has to want to change.

im not rushing to the phone whenever she calls. I'm not answering every text when she wants me to.

last night she stated this

"I have been trying to call and text you... u seem like you're trying to avoid me.. what is going on?"

which is a major major turn around from the dont text or call stuff which she stated was due to us argueing me consistently bringing up what she has done wrong and she feeling like she has to plead her case to me.

she says she wants to but we'll see. I'm optmistic but not extremely giddy because today is the start of a new day

one day at a time.

I've already taken care of some business about my health. I've had to fax and receive a few documents.

I took care of some busines about the job i'm trying to get. Had to complete alot of forms and then fax a document back to them.

I expect more backsliding from WAW today. Well not so much as expect but I'm prepared for it to happen. She's going to wonder if yesterday was a dream or genuine and if our talk about that and other past issues was a dream or genuine.

so I'm gray til she brings it to me. She did get a call about the job she starts on monday so i texted her that information.

[DaddyLongShanks]

james217,

You have multiple issues in your situation. One of them was there were several incidents which you described which where "crazy". I'd find a christian based couples counselor, along with going to church and the DB techniques are going to help you. Plus she needs counseling individually on whatever is making her act out like she is.

[james217]

48 hours and she hasn't contacted a single OM. she deleted them from her phone (i forgot about that she did it yesterday) no more chatlines. nothing like that.

she told me alot of her goals. She's calling right now. 2 times in a row. NO answer from me. Don't want to seem available. Now here's the 3rd call. Still no answer. I'll return it in a little while. I need to fill out another form for this job and fax it.

[BobbiJo]

Not to be a downer but in my case my H got a 'secret' phone to use with his affair partner. That way he could leave his phone out, I could see it at all times, check the records, and it didn't matter. BC he was using the other phone all day long at work, taking it in the bathroom at home to text, even texting in our bed after I fell asleep! (This I know bc it fell out of his pj pants pocket one night and I rolled over on it, finding it and reading a ton of not good texts...)

Just saying that monitoring her cell phone is like .0001 of the solution.....

[james217]

james217,

You have multiple issues in your situation. One of them was there were several incidents which you described which where "crazy". I'd find a christian based couples counselor, along with going to church and the DB techniques are going to help you. Plus she needs counseling individually on whatever is making her act out like she is.

She has epilepsy. She had about 20 major seizures last year (way too many) and 20 minor ones. The medicine she is on makes her act bipolarish. She was fine til they switched her pill a about a month and a half ago ago and it takes about 2 to 3 months to get rid of the main symptoms such as confusion paranoia, delusions, impulse decisions, etc etc etc. shes just now getting her memory back she's alot better though. I can tell.

I have extreme diabetes that has been untreated for years even though I have been tested. I was having diabetic seziures emotional outburts and both of us were extremely unhealthy.

The time apart has allowed us both to deal with issues. I found out about the diabetes a few days ago. I believe it was monday.

Now i'm eting right dropping weight and controlling it which leads to less anger although i'm going to the anger management too

MC has been discussed we were suppposed to start couples counseling in january but never went. We should have. Alot of our issues are very petty and they are blown way out of context over past stress finger pointing and blaming.

Heck she said she wanted to go to MC and changed her mind right now. She was supposed to go to IC a long time ago.

When we would have arguments in the past? I'd leave and come back later once I see them even getting to yelling. Due to my depression own stress and anger I stopped doing that and even became the one starting the arguments because the untreated diabetes had me extremely irritated all the time.

I couldn't even explain why I was doing it. I didn't even know. I just knew I didn't feel right and had to wait on the state to get me in to see these doctors. Now that I know? I know how to deal with it and handle conflict better.

she's studying the bible. That's good. hopefully she starts going back to church. hopefully she gets the counseling too. I know she's stopped all this OM stuff.

she said she needed to focus on her family and what's important. and stop messing around. Only time will tell.

We both have alot of showing and proving and changing and attitude adjusting to do. We both have alot of trust love respect and honor to rebuild if that happens. when it happens and we interact Ill make them positive

[james217]

Not to be a downer but in my case my H got a 'secret' phone to use with his affair partner. That way he could leave his phone out, I could see it at all times, check the records, and it didn't matter. BC he was using the other phone all day long at work, taking it in the bathroom at home to text, even texting in our bed after I fell asleep! (This I know bc it fell out of his pj pants pocket one night and I rolled over on it, finding it and reading a ton of not good texts...)

Just saying that monitoring her cell phone is like .0001 of the solution.....

she can't afford it. she doesn't even know i'm monitoring the calls. she think I got them out of her phone when she came by my place 2 weeks ago and spent thenight. She fell asleep and I told her I snooped.

we are both locked into this contract for two more years. and she'd have to pay a ridiculous deposit to do that. she barely has money for bus fare food and her place right now. and that doesn't even stretch enough for her. I've had to dip into our savings at least 3 times in the past few weeks and help her go get clothes food and just basic hygeine stuff til she gets a check from her job

we can't open any more accounts. Our credit is pretty bad because we had some fraud going on on our accounts. Her wages are gonna get garnished about her 5 figure student loan.

now that may change. she may get another phone soon but I don't think she's going to continue the OM crap and she's pretty cheap (lol) she needs new clothes for work and is tring to move to another place soon so she's not gonna do that when we can just half this bill and pay it.

but that is a good point. I could find out very easily though. Although we didn't get a marriage certificate? we do have documents in place giving hte other full legal liability and the ability to discuss any accounts and anything. I know every single account she has.

I have access to them if I want to heck im on most of them with her . I just dont do it.

yesterday she just asked me to pull her credit report. she wanted me to help her look over some bills and help her clear some stuff of her credit. I said I'd think about it. But I'd see the hits from any phone company she tried to get a phone through from there.

I'm extremely excellent at intel. but she could always have a cheapy prepaid phone but she really really does not have the money for it.



my WAW is pretty bold though. Even if I told her I was snooping she would STILL KEEP THE PHONE AND MAKE CALLS ON IT if she so desired. that's just her personality.

[soleil]

Hi James.

If there is one thing I have learned from my own sitch is that bringing up the past = no good. So stop it. Immediately. It will get you nowhere.

I agree with everyone else that you need to take things slow and set boundaries for yourself. Yes, you have both made mistakes but the fact that she had affair(s) and gave you an STD means you need not rush into things right now. Because if you do, I imagine it will be counter-productive. Tread slowly and carefully.

It's great you guys are taking the time out to meet up and listen to eachother and be cordial.

YOu mentioned somewhere in your thread that you treat your wife because of how your parents are, etc (verbal abuse) but I just want to tell you to own the fact that that behavior is your own choice you make/made. The sooner you realize that, the better.

Kudos to you for going to anger management. How is your IC working out for you? Exercising & eating right will definitely make you feel better as well.

Oh and please feel free to respond in my sitch-all advice is welcome.

[james217]

Hi James.

If there is one thing I have learned from my own sitch is that bringing up the past = no good. So stop it. Immediately. It will get you nowhere.

I agree with everyone else that you need to take things slow and set boundaries for yourself. Yes, you have both made mistakes but the fact that she had affair(s) and gave you an STD means you need not rush into things right now. Because if you do, I imagine it will be counter-productive. Tread slowly and carefully.

It's great you guys are taking the time out to meet up and listen to eachother and be cordial.

YOu mentioned somewhere in your thread that you treat your wife because of how your parents are, etc (verbal abuse) but I just want to tell you to own the fact that that behavior is your own choice you make/made. The sooner you realize that, the better.

Kudos to you for going to anger management. How is your IC working out for you? Exercising & eating right will definitely make you feel better as well.

Oh and please feel free to respond in my sitch-all advice is welcome.

Oh Im taking it slow. Real slow. I'm trying to change the way I am because I don't like it. Especially the verbal abuse.

My Ic is very very good.

I choose to change.