I am totally in better spirits and it is sunny out. No contact with the h yesterday. I am struggling with the idea of actually being "dark" and in essence ignoring my husband. Isn't that what got me here in the first place? I feel like we grew apart, talked less snd spent less time together and that is what partially got us here today in this "situation". His depression and/or personal crisis is also a factor but.... I don't know. Just having a hard time with it all. He acts like he wants a d one day and then he'll tell me that he doesn't know what to do and that it isn't just his decision.....
My oh my, really? He is so annoying. I think questions/comments like that are just his way of making sure I am still up for a reconciliation. Maybe not. He is certainly on the fence though.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Nicole8: My oh my, really? He is so annoying. I think questions/comments like that are just his way of making sure I am still up for a reconciliation. Maybe not. He is certainly on the fence though.
You might be right. It may be testing the water to see if you're still there. Don't be available by phone or text or email for a few weeks and see what happens with this "checking to see if you are still there" behavior.
My db coach said to go dark a few days at a time and see how the h reacts. He seems to keep in contact, not about anything important, but he keeps in contact via text. Haven't talked with or seen him for a week now.
I just feel like "out of sight out of mind"....more time for the ow. Arrgh!
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
you talking to him or not talking to him will not impact the time he spends with the OW. If he wants to spend time with the OW..he is going to. It is so easy to think out of sight..out of mind. But think about how you feel..he is out of sight- has he left your mind? no...
Keep busy busy busy. Control the situation..don't let the situation control you.
I do know if he wants to see the ow, he will. However, I feel like a total doormat by knowing what he is doing (even though he'll deny it and say they are friends). It is almost like I am giving him permission because there are no consequences for his actions. He has it made, wife at home if he chooses, but for now vacation at his moms and time with ow.
I need a better way to put fear in him that I might not always be here for him. Does this make sense? I feel like I am rambling over and over about the same thing.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Take away his security of "wife if he chooses" by no longer making it clear that you are available "if he chooses"
There IS no way to put fear in someone who is depressed, camped out, and doesn't CARE about anything but themselves.
Protect yourself and get busy and get happy and make sure he knows you are moving on (even if not dating). He's not entitled to know ALL YOUR BUSINESS any more. He's cut you out of his.
I do know if he wants to see the ow, he will. However, I feel like a total doormat by knowing what he is doing (even though he'll deny it and say they are friends). It is almost like I am giving him permission because there are no consequences for his actions.
Then you need to show him there ARE consequences for his actions.
I'm not trying to 2X4 but look at the facts: he's an adult back living with his Mom hanging out with people who just got out of college. HE HAS REGRESSED! How much lower can he go? It's not like he can be kicked further down the ladder, you know? He's got to want to climb up the ladder at this point. And he's got to want to do this himself because he's sick of sitting sprawled at the bottom.
He has totally regressed to his high school years again. WOW that is pathetic. The next time he asks me about "us" I am going to tell him "only time will tell". That is something the ow said to him a few months ago about them having a relationship.
This girl also prides herself on being a good catholic. Really? Maybe she shouldn't hang out with a married man who has told her he is in love with her. But she isn't really to blame. My h is, the high schooler.
I am just so frustrated. I really need to find a clear way of letting him know that....I might not be here and am moving on.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
The way to show that is whenever he calls, don't pick it up. Text him back a few days later and say you were too busy between work and hanging out and going out with friends. Keep that up for a month and GAL and live your "only time will tell" attitude.
