Yes, you do, because needless to say, it's NOT a good idea to let the one who is wayward "step up and take more control" of the marriage and the family.
Should I tell him he "played the game" with me last night? I don't know if it was because he was drinking (couldn't smell any on him, but he was out late, so I'm sure he had a few beers) or tired or wanted to. Not sure if he was hoping something would happen or was baiting me to see if I'd do something against his will. He did seem to be breathing deeply, I suspected he was asleep...
I wasn't sure if I should tell him he had done this or not, because I don't want him to freak out and leave the bed so it doesn't happen again, but then again, maybe he was trying to connect?
Hmmm, good point. He does need to take control of his own life, it's a HUGE issue in our M. He feels controlled and will NOT come back if he feels I'm controlling him... I guess I will have to be careful and make sure he takes control of his own life only, not the life of the marriage or the family - until he is back.
What is your suggestion? I've never gone this route before. The Bo Peep last time took over a year with one relapse, but it worked. I still haven't found your old thread to read through, but I'm interested to do that after I'm done digesting OIN's thread.
Firstly, IMO, I would not talk about last night and the sexual moves. I would just let nature take it's course - sometimes you can cause more harm by pushing to know where you stand.
I actually don't agree that the , (and I am using these phrases as they seem to be the common ones used - not because I totally agree with the interpretation of them), Ghandi approach and the Bo Peep approach have to be mutually exclusive.
Bust the A - that's always been my attitude - but then I think maybe you start looking at the 180's, improving communication etc.
It's early days, and trust is the hardest thing to deal with - it has to be earned - but you have to give him a chance to earn it......and that is if he wants to stay with you or not.
If OW was a gold digger, then by now she knows the pot is empty and will not be interested.
Whatever happens, you and your H need to learn how to communicate in an effective manner. Retro looks like your earliest and quickest way of doing this, but if he still refuses to go then look for a good family therapist.
You have to face that your H may not want to come back - you are only ever going to find out his intentions by talking to him. That said, at the moment things are going to be raw, and I do believe he may throw things at you to bait you to try and prove you are the woman he has been saying you are. Better to act friendly but not get drawn in to R conversations if possible. However, if he does want to talk to you , and makes it clear that it is important to him, not communicating will be an aggressive act. Think about how to listen without lashing out.
I know he is in the wrong with the infidelity, but you have both been in the wrong on other things. You need to get to the bottom of the marital disharmony......at some point.
He sounds very confused, cuddling at night for comfort but being independent in other areas. Perhaps he is trying to work out if he could survive by himself with this new found independednt attitude - I don't know? But maybe a bit of warmth may throw him off his stride - he will be expecting accrimony I expect.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Should I tell him he "played the game" with me last night? I don't know if it was because he was drinking (couldn't smell any on him, but he was out late, so I'm sure he had a few beers) or tired or wanted to. Not sure if he was hoping something would happen or was baiting me to see if I'd do something against his will. He did seem to be breathing deeply, I suspected he was asleep...
I wasn't sure if I should tell him he had done this or not, because I don't want him to freak out and leave the bed so it doesn't happen again, but then again, maybe he was trying to connect?
OK Pass, what are you hoping to accomplish by telling him?
I suspect you are hoping it will bring him closer.
Somehow I doubt he will react that way.
A question I don't have an answer to right now but is a very interesting one is if the bonding process DOES take place between a couple when the spouse is still sleeping.
If it DOES bring him closer to you by staying in the same bed, then do what you can to keep in the same bed if that's your goal. He won't realize you are drawing him back by you two staying in the same bed, but he really doen'st need to know that.
your call, and I am still not sure on that bonding process thing... its just a question at the moment. He may very well have to be awake for any bonding to take place, I have no idea.
Oh, boy. H and I seemed to be getting along. I emailed him that DSD was going to a friend's house after school and I wouldn't be able to pick her up as I have a class to attend. He replied with his plans for the weekend (babystep - had been keeping his whereabouts secret) and asking which class I was taking (babystep - hadn't even cared when I disappeared for an entire weekend once) Then out of the blue sends me a pic of a motorcycle from craigslist and I comment back that it's beautiful. He's wanted to get a motorcycle for some time.
THEN, MIL sends me email exchange. Remember that H went out with friend last night that MIL and I had exposed the A to. He was the M friendly friend, his life long friend.
From H: Good morning mom,
Remember that email you sent me in which you said you would support W and I each 100%? Well, I never got a chance to say thank you. Oh, and if your recent conspiratorial behavior is how you show ME 100% support; thanks, but I’ll seek my support elsewhere. Again, thank you very much. You hurt me deeply.
MIL's reply: Well, you're 100% welcome. Good luck finding support deeper than a Mother's heart. You have mine forever - want it or not.
That "conspiratorial behavior was to give you the opportunity to be honest and forthright with your "talk". With every "now where should I start" or "how can I say this" or "where should I begin" - it was killing me. I knew what you should have said. Communication challenge - I think so. How well are you communicating with yourself in all of this? What is your self talk sounding like?
You think that I hurt YOU deeply? Me thinks not.
I have been waiting for you to be honest. A quality I believe is one of your strong suits. You used to wear it on your arm. Honest with us, honest with W, honest with the kids and honest with yourself. AND, yes, honest with OW. Do you know her birthday is xxx? Well, I do. I was willing to do anything I could to SUPPORT YOUR MARRIAGE. Even if that meant researching so W could fight to keep you. She loves you. She's part of your marriage.
Supportive - 100% - What would you expect me to do when the woman you loved and married, W, came to us, with the news of your affair - that she had JUST found to be true?
If what you said is true - that you've not been in love with W for many years - why not just tell her years ago? We never had a clue. We saw you growing together year after year. The kids have profited from her in so many ways. The learning is never ending. The life you have with her is certainly different than your life was without her. She has given you everything she could - including her heart. We've known about her dark side for years. She shared her secrets. She has grown very close to us through the years. She talks to us.
Although I think you're in a different station in your life today - this is playing out like a rerun of your end of marriage experience with XW.
When you left here Monday night, you clearly expressed your hatred of the "table" being used for safe honesty and feelings - it worked in the past and opened doors for communication. I think you have barricaded yourself inside a lonely, dark, miserable place. Do you love yourself?
He as puppy puts it is "seething with entitlement" still.
He needs to look up conspiracy in the dictionary.
Since when is you telling his mother the truth about HIS LIES a conspiracy? lol
Since when is you being honest about an affair happening in the dark a conspiracy?
Pot kettle methinks?
I would have his mother tell him outright "We are being honest, LIES told to your parents and your wife are conspiracies my dear... and right now YOU are the conspiracy grandmaster."
Seriously, he has done so much BS in the last few days...
You guys are broke and now he wants to buy a motorcycle? lol
The fact that he's so deluded is a pretty strong indicator that he is very much addicted. It's hard to tell if there is any communication happenign between him and OW. But he is definitely addicted.
I got a similar story here at my home when I confronted... It took a few weeks for the reality of HER lies to sink in... entitlement lasted a couple weeks in my case I would say.
I am planning on what to say when/if he brings up me confronting/exposing to this friend with his mother involved. I'll tell him the truth, but it's how to frame it that's important.
The truth is that he went behind my back and talked to our friends and told them I was crazy and he didn't love me. He introduced her to them as his "soul mate" the one and only person to "ever make him happy." Yeah, right, I remember THOSE words. (sad that it makes me doubt our R now, right?) I did nothing but stand up and say to those friends - hey, back off and let this M play out on it's own without your interference... oh, and BTW - if you can see your way clear to, please help support the M in any way you can. I'm not ashamed of that... but I'm afraid to tell him in those words because as you said, Allen, he's deluded. And in this delusional state, he will not believe a word he hears from my lips.
