Faith without works... (my new thread)

[james217]

I have to listen to my WAW too right and 180 some things?

So now she's more open she's confiding she wants to try to trust again and I should go dark? how does that fix it?

H i'm want to go to MC and us talk work on R.

NOooooooooooooooooo! let's go dark.

So after you find out your wife has been with several other men and you get herpes from her, one day of half decent behavior from her and you trust her already? It didn't take much and if you believe that she's ready to change you're gullible. If it's that easy for her to get your attention and get you wanting her again, she knows she has you wrapped around her finger and guess what, you should expect a repeat of her crap behavior - she didn't have to work for your trust or affection, you gave it up easily and she'll expect you to do the same thing over & over again when she screws up. She didn't confide anything, she told you what you wanted to hear or more accurately, you heard only what you wanted to hear. She has to trust you? Did you have the affairs? Did you give her herpes or did she give it to you? She turned all of this around on you and makes you think that you have to work to earn her trust and you wonder why we're fed up with you?!

You think your situation is so unique among hundreds & thousands of situations in these forums?

That's why I said good luck to you,
since you won't listen and you continue to do your own thing, it doesn't really matter what advice I give or anyone else for that matter - you won't listen, you'll only do what you FEEL like doing. So why should anyone waste their time providing you advice on your situation? It's not worth it, I speak for myself, no one else.

So again, good luck, I hope whatever you do works out for you.

I'd like to add to this too. Ive read alot of what kimmie lee says and she makes some good points.

Very good points I might add. Every person on this board has screwed up. Every single person on this board made mistakes. WE are so quick to always point out what the WAS did or is doing NOW. But do we really evaluate why this happened. How it got to that point?

Sure there are just some real jerks out there who don't care. But I think if every single person on this board is honest with themselves they'll admit that there were signs of marital trouble.

Sometimes we get so comfortable with who we are directly or indirectly stop being the person we used to that drew our spouses to to us in the first place.

Then for months we're in that comfort zone thinking that just because we're married we don't have to try as hard as we did before.

Is my situation any different than any other person on here. Yep because no two people are the same. Nor is each individual.

What makes my situation the same as anyone else on here is the marital problems. But my marital problems are unique because this IS NOT SIMPLE MATH. It's complicated algebra. You cant just always say x times y = z because there are variables in every person's background, environment, personality, character, etc etc that make EACH SITUATION UNIQUE.

Did we consistently do all the little things we did which made our spouses love us in the first place? Or did we start doing those once the problems began?

In some situations it's too late. Some it's not. Some there's a gray area that could go either way.

Did I do anything to make my WAW have crap behaviour towards me? Yep. We all did if we can be honest with OURSELVES.

I have applied certain pieces of advice given to me on this site. But because I don't do EVERYTHING ROBX or PDT'S way or anyone elses no advice should be given?

I wonder if this above same attitude you have with WAW as well as me having with mine which LED to us BOTH BEING HERE in the first place?

And there's another thing that's similar about every single thread on this site. It's all from mainly ONE PERSPECTIVE ONE VIEWPOINT every interaction is told from ONE VIEWPOINT (with the exception of coach and greek who both post here).

The WAS pov is not told and even the few WAS who are here? They are not our spouse. Bits and pieces of information may be effective but not totally.

If that's the case we'd all look act, talk, and think the same. WE don't.

If you had my WAW story on here told from her perspective in my thread would you understand and offer the same advice to me or her? Probably not because YOU'D HAVE HER POV AND THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS INTO THIS MATTER and could make a more open honest opinion and the advice would NOT BE THE SAME.


That's where I feel my situation is somewhat unique. My WAW is telling me what/why/when/where.

It may be through argueing. It may be calm. It may be through HER OWN ACTIONS but it's there.

There is no one simple formula for love is there? Or intimacy? What works for one couple won't work for another. Otherwise we'd love every single person of the opposite sex we came in contact with and could draw them to us with one simple formula.

Db/Dr is a great great philosophy I’ve read each book about 5 times now. But sometimes you have to creatively apply principles in order for you to get progress.

I also have a great in house counselor as well. My mother has been a trained counselor for families and individuals for OVER 30 years. But I also know there’s only certain bits and pieces I can take from her because she can be somewhat biased because I’m her son and that’s her DIL. But she’s a lot more honest (brutally) than what I have expected.

I take notes about every interaction with my WAW now. But why wasn’t I do that before?

We are all humans. We all sin that’s why. No one is perfect. We strive for perfection. Mistakes are made. But if I see progress and change and me getting a DIFFERENT REACTION from what I was getting before? Then that REACTION is a direct response of my own ACTIONS.

I’ve also turned to God in my situation. A lot of dbing techniques can be found in the bible. A lot in proverbs. A lot in Ephesians 5. A lot in 1st Corinthians 13. A lot in 1st Corinthians 7.

So rob and pdt? Just because I don’t do every single thing YOUR WAY? Doesn’t mean I don’t value your advice. But if I see that NC isn’t working (trust me I’ve tried NC before and all it did was make things worse because it just lowered her esteem and made her feel like crap because it was more of the same thing she’d been complaining about with me ignoring her feelings and her as a person).

When she tells me to back off? I back off. When she wants to listen? I listen. When she says she doesn’t want to talk about that? I change the subject. When she needs to vent? I let her. It’s the only way she can finally address these things to me. Even if she may have before and I missed them.

So instead of focusing on what she did the previous days? Why not help me come up with a solution to BUILD upon what happened yesterday which I believe is nothing but a miracle FROM GOD due to my consistently fasting and praying like the bible states should be done DURING A SEPERATION IN 1ST CORINTHIANS 7.

She is now back in her bible. She picked it up and started reading it ON HER OWN WITHOUT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 10 MONTHS. Shes asking questions about that.

Am I sold on her changes? Nope. But I have faith that GOD can fix any and everything. I have faith that he can change people and heal marriages. And nice people like Michelle Weiner Davis are truly angels from heaven who have taken the time out of their own lives to try to HELP SAVE god's most prized gift. THE GIFT OF LOVE.

Because you wanna know what? God can fix and restore anything. On his time. I’m wiping the slate clean. I cannot change the herpes nor the infidelity. But I can change me. And through my changes I can possibly save my M. As long as she changes too and we come out of this stronger wiser and more connected. More focused on God and his blessings than what the Devil wants which is to destroy love fill people with hate and destroy all Love and Marriage Covenants.