Midlife Crisis? Affair? Dunno...

[grasshopper]

Ok, let me try to address what I believe is a slight debate about what to do about whatever may be going on with OM (for you puppy and jack); I will make a decision about what to do about that when the time comes. That decision is really the only thing I am 100% sure I am capable of making, and deciding when to make on my own. I've been there before. I've done it ALL before and know what worked for me. Of course, this is the 2nd time around (maybe) so obviously that changes things but I can and will still deal with it the way I think best serves my own well being and that of my marriage.

Now on to some specific responses:

To OT:

Not sure how to take that... You KNOW I prefer directness. Shall I go away? Or, do you, as I had always thought, like to have my two (several) cents?

Anyway, I will assume that I'm appreciated, lol... Here are some thoughts:

You are, and always will be VERY appreciated

(1) Read DB again, especially the earlier less desperate chapters. You are, after all, less desperate than most here.

Almost all the folks in these parts find the boards in the wee hours of the morning some sleepless night POST-bomb. Then, they start at the beginning of DB, trying stuff for Ms that are strained, when their Ms are in tatters. I always want to shout something like: Do not stop, do not glance at asking for what you want, proceed directly to LTR. Lol.

BUT YOU, my little exoskeletoned friend ARE NOT THERE. Your M is strained. The earlier DB techniques might well be useful to you now in ways that were inappropriate last time.

I love this analysis OT. I will indeed go back and read. I know I am not as desperate as most here, and I am truly thankful for that. It's not that my sitch is necessarily better, it's just that I think I MAY have a head start in where I need to go as a man to get right with myself. So, I know I am NOT in nearly as bad a place in my overall sitch as many are. I am also aware that I may soon be. I think my detection of all this comes so early because of my previous experience. Maybe that experience will help me really do the things I need to do to help get things back on track again. I am also not so stupid as to think that this experience I have will in any way shield me from the emotional roller coaster that I MAY be on again. I think I am proceeding as Jack sorta said, on the assumption that at the very least I have no idea what's going on and I need to, no matter what, build myself back up so I am as ready to either go forward into a stronger marriage OR weather the storm that may hit.

2) I think emails might help you communicate with W. They don't let her make her little silencing comments to you (which you allow to silence you, which is why she uses them, but they are little toxic darts in your M).

I won't respond to the entire email advice. It's all VERY good and I may do that... except that my W barely uses/checks email at all, and especially hates having any meaningful communication via email, with me or anyone else. So I totally agree that email, or even a letter may be better but in the end, I think it would be face-to-face that rules the day. As for using her silencing comments, trust me, nothing much ever silences me They may give me pause, or redirect the convo somewhat, and I understand that my semi-accurate retelling of the convo's story may not convey that, but it's true.

3) As your sex life is going well, this is one case in which I'm not convinced that W is having an EA/PA. But, *thin ice* no matter what. And, the lying is flatly NOT OK.

4) Just wondering, did W ever confess to a PA last time?

Yes, she did admit that it was a PA but never did fully admit to sex. I am 99% sure it happened though. She has directly denied it though simply based on opportunity.

As for not being convinced of the EA/PA, that makes 2 of us. Her other behavior CAN be explained by all the excuses she's given about my behavior but... I also agree BTW, that she's not acting very caring about my feelings when it comes to this IF it's not an EA/PA. Again, her excuse for that is that she's spent the past 3 years or so walking on egg shells, dealing with my feelings, making sure I don't get paranoid, etc, and she's had enough. Wrong of a loving wife to say, probably, but based on my behavior (read: slipping) over the past couple years, not entirely unfounded.

I also agree with the total openness things you've said. To a point, she's been open but it's like a quote from a commercial I saw last night "If you're lying about this and I found out about it, I wonder what you're lying about that I don't know about." Bottom line is that no amount of deception, for any reason, is going to be tolerated in my marriage if it's to last. Am I ready to throw down a gauntlet on that right now? No. I will work on my room in the house first, then address the house overall (marriage).

It is time for you to get A LOT MORE HONEST with yourself and me about how YOUR choices are having negative consequences for your life, my life, our marriage, and our children."

I took this out of context but it was supposed to be me to my W. In effect, I did say that, almost word for word, in our convo yesterday and it did give her pause. She tried to defend herself weakly but not too much. That was the part I also asked her what positive came from this recent behavior that is worth all that risk/damage. I think that my ability to deliver those words calmly and actually backed with something closer to a loving tone rather than an accusatory one, really got through to her. Dunno if that will last.

Have my fingers crossed that your phone chat shook things up a bit for her. I hope it doesn't take the life-wreck equivalent of a DUI to get her to look at herself again.

She's been there before (dui). I THOUGHT that was her rock bottom during all this mess before, and I suppose in hindsight, it was close to the turning point when we started getting back together.

I think the phone chat did shake her up. Hell, she asked me to come home and we spent some great time together afterwords so...

TO AMD:

Thanks my dear. I do remember you from years past and hope you're doing well. I will check up on ya, and to everyone else, I am being selfish right now. I WILL start to bump around the threads and try to help where I can. Actually helping people was one of the best things I ever got out of this place, as much as getting help myself.

So, it's on to another day. W seems a bit tired, down today. She seemed somewhat like that yesterday. I would love to think it's because she's realizing that she needs to end this whatever-it-is going on and that makes her sad because beyond ALL the other crap, I KNOW she really enjoys the company of people in the settings that these people go to.

I will update when I can but it's likely not much will happen since I am at work and then we are straight away to the concert.