Well I wouldn't pass judgment on the OWH. We don't know what it's like in their lives unless he comes on here and explains it. From his POV, he sees his W acting innocent and is hearing mostly her side of the story.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No, H is very shy and reserved about sex. I talked dirty to him playfully a few times in the beginning and he turned red and said he didn't like it. He's 50-50 on taking the lead. I'd say straight and normal. And from the 40 or so emails I read, it was them sneaking around behind both of our backs. You're right, Allen... nothing weird in there. They really thought they were in love. Lots of "you're my soul mate" and "I've never felt like this before?" Really? Oh, yes, you make me sooooo happy, I can't stop thinking about you. You know when we're "together" well, it hurts when you hit that one spot... that sort of thing. Even got to learn the name of her privates. LOL. MIL literally LOL when she read that one. I especially LOVED the one where she said "OMG, we ARE so alike, we both like beer, food and sleeping." I thought - whoa! Back up a minute here, I should probably back away and let these two SOUL MATES get together. I mean, who can fight a common interest in beer, food and sleeping, right?
OWH is a super, super nice guy. Mentioned several times he felt like a "tool" felt "taken advantage of." That he kicks himself for being so passive at parties sometimes, and so shy. I think he's so sweet, and my H is a tall, stockily built, third degree black belt with a heart of gold and a smile to match. He's model handsome, which doesn't help my life any. I'm no expert on OW and OWH's M, but I suspect that OW was looking for more of a take charge guy but someone with her H's sweetness still there somewhere. I suggested to him that one of his 180s could be being more aggressive (in a good way) and not so passive.
No, H is very shy and reserved about sex. I talked dirty to him playfully a few times in the beginning and he turned red and said he didn't like it.
What a waste! lol
Originally Posted By: Passenger
... nothing weird in there. They really thought they were in love. ...I mean, who can fight a common interest in beer, food and sleeping, right?
OK, All-American - got it.
Originally Posted By: Passenger
OWH is a super, super nice guy. Mentioned several times he felt like a "tool" felt "taken advantage of." That he kicks himself for being so passive at parties sometimes, and so shy. I think he's so sweet
OK, this guy is passive, and your husband is a black belt... gee I wonder why OWH isn't getting aggressive about this? Gee... let me see
2 + 2 = what again?
And the only way you can contact this guy is thorugh his cell? Do you know their address?
I agree with whoever said to give this some time. You have been aggressive on many fronts. In my opinion, the refusal to speak to him when he asked you to backfired on you and made you look foolish. And they made hay out of it. But so be it, you can't change the past.
He will do what he will do. Because he is an adult and he has freedom of choice. You need to accept that you can't manipulate him back into a happy marriage. You can start looking like someone he might want to be with. The conversation at lunch was good. Time to drop the suspiciousness. You can't control who he contacts via facebook, the phone, or in person. So why waste time trying? And why look like his jailer? OW made a good point when she said that you should be speaking to your own husband.
I guarantee you that your marriage is harder to fix than that stove that is lying in pieces on the floor. Your focus now should be on asking him to go to Retrouvaille with you next weekend so you two can learn to communicate with each other. It won't fix all your problems, I promise you that. But it can give you a tool to work with.
Lotus, thank you for your insight. I can't change the past and I'm focusing on being the BBD right now. It is hard for me to let go, but I'm doing it as a 180 and trusting. It's a leap of faith for me, and sometimes I think that leap of faith may be what does it for some of us... I'm praying it will for me.
H got home at 2:30 this morning. Bars close at 2, and it was his karate night so I believe he was out with the friend MIL and I went to see who said he will NOT support ANY infidelity. I hope that was the case, he did ask for his phone number before leaving.
WARNING - more sex talk: He came home and played the "game" with me. (tell me if this jives with what he said to me yesterday that whenever we ML in the past, he put his head someplace else and pretended it was OK - that he couldn't bear to ML to me for years and only did it because of me... yet usually I was dead asleep when he initiated it.) Anyway, the "game" is where he takes my hand and puts it on himself and waits to see if I wake up and am in the mood. Don't know how it started, but he thought it was fun... weird, I know, but I'm always up for ML, I'm high drive and he wasn't (which he now says was lack of attraction for me, but I always thought it was the extra 40 pound he carried and the extra 70 I had...)
Anyway, last night he played the game with me, I touched him but was NOT about to initiate ML with him. I didn't in any way want to be accused of doing anything untoward again... but then he lay next to me, touching me all night AND after the alarm clock went off this morning, his whole body touched mine. Not holding me, but very close, and he was aware of it. The clock went off, he moved to hit snooze and then back to being next to me...
Maybe not anything, I'm not getting excited, but maybe subconsciously the "can't touch my wife or I'm cheating on OW" thing is starting to disappear?
Just had a thought... after the talk yesterday and H saying we're moving closer to "some sort of resolution" - what if he comes to me and says he wants to talk about how we will get our D? What do I say to that? I hope he doesn't think I think it's over, because I'm still fighting for the M...
Quote:
We had a good talk today and I think we have a clearer understanding as to how each of us feels and that is a good starting point in working towards some sort of resolution.
No, H is very shy and reserved about sex. I talked dirty to him playfully a few times in the beginning and he turned red and said he didn't like it. He's 50-50 on taking the lead. I'd say straight and normal. And from the 40 or so emails I read, it was them sneaking around behind both of our backs.
He will do what he will do. Because he is an adult and he has freedom of choice. You need to accept that you can't manipulate him back into a happy marriage.
No, but you can go down fighting.
Or, you can go the "Bo-Peep" route described here. Your choice -- as always -- Pass. You DO need to decide on the route you want to take tho, as these are two VERY different approaches.
Very hard decision Puppy. On the one hand, Bo Peep worked before. On the other, I've already begun Ghandi and it's worked so far. It definitely feels better to do the Ghandi... but the Bo Peep seemed to work faster last time... I could count the baby steps in hours rather than days.
H is very attracted to nice, sweet girls. He's very sensitive inside and feels that I have been a harsh, shrew of a woman (not entirely true, but with a basis in fact) - but I'm really sensitive also and just very hurt and hid that side to me. I wonder if being a BIT more passive that I usually am and just letting him continue to take the reigns will be good for us.
For instance, he's stepped up with the children. In my mind, I think he's trying to punish me by leaving me out of their lives... but it may just be his clumsy attempts at taking control of his own life and his own children, which is fine with me. He does NOT want my help with them... wants to give them their lunch money from HIS wallet, pick them up and drop them off at their activities, where we used to share those responsibilities. He also won't eat any food I make, which is strange... which makes for a weird dynamic at dinner time when we're eating and he won't. I helped him make coffee yesterday morning and he seemed to resent it. I have just DONE so much of the work for SO long, that I think he needs to start to do for himself. So, maybe Bo Peep while he learns and grows and stretches his wings? As long as there is no sign of OW, of course... I do need to get GOOD intel on that.
I'm no expert on OW and OWH's M, but I suspect that OW was looking for more of a take charge guy but someone with her H's sweetness still there somewhere. I suggested to him that one of his 180s could be being more aggressive (in a good way) and not so passive.
